June 26, 2000
Rebeaker: Super Shane Spear
This is the first report of my "Rebeaking Old Videotape Crap I Haven't Taped Over Yet Series."
Opening. Look! There's Hardcore Holly! Fireworks. It's so nice to rebeak a show that doesn't open with Manson. We're in Wooooooster Mass and JR & King are YOUR hosts.
"If ya smellll BETA 1.0" plays for the NEW WWF champion. The Rock pinned Vince McMahon to win the WWF title last night at King of the Ring. Blarg. It's interview time. No wait, it's "chant Rock-y" time. NOW it's interview time. Rocky says all the games are over because he's the champion. Vince can still be thankful that he's the owner of the WWF AND the best penis implant money can buy. How does Rocky know that? The Rock says he 0WNZ Vince's ass. Next he calls out Vince. "No Pants" fires up and here comes Vince. This seems so familiar. McMahon asks for TEH MIKE. Some kid has an "I'm Shaft" sign. Retard. Vince had an idea last night. Here's another sign: "Nik Fears Becca." Back to the story, Vince says that he loves Linda. Tenderly touching? Yuck! Ruff n Ready? Damn! Vince says Linda wants another baby, so he's a genetic jackhamm-ah!! DADDY'S COMING HOME! Stop squealing Lawler. Vince offers Rock the "hand of friendship." Rock drools of the left side of his mouth and shakes his hand. Face Trick! FOCK BOTTOM! Play his muzac! Ugh, the King is in action tonight. I really don't miss 2000.
Backstage, a limo pulls up. Shawn/Sean Michael(s) get out. OMG! TEH HARTBREK KID!
Alonzo Mourning and Paul Reiser pitch 1-800-CALL-ATT. Paul calls him "ZO" a MILLION TIMES!
Next Friday! Black comedies are funny yo!
ChewyChewyChewyChewyChewy TWIX World Order.
Backstage, Heifernie asks Vince why he's leaving. Before he gets in the car, he asks her to tell Hermit that he's sorry. Steph, holding her Woman's championship, left.
"Wasn't so old Back then" goes as the Icee Champion Rikishi comes to ringside for this title match. "Chris Benoit is here and he's really mad" plays for the other side. Benoit rushes the ring. Trading punches. Rikishi takes control and throws Benoit to the outside. Whip into the stairs. Back in the ring, couple more right hands from Rikishi. Lawler: House of Fire. This isn't a tag match King! Benoit targets Rikishi injured shoulder with various smarky moves. Chop X 3. Kick to the stomach. Benoit tries a sunset flip, but Rikishi sits of him for a two count. Benoit is limp so he pulls him over for the Samoan Drop. "Beep" suddenly plays and Tazz runs out to hit Rikishi with a chair. It's a Dairy Queen, but Chris doesn't care. Flying Headbutt and Chris "He likes to hurt peoples" Benoit leaves.
Backstage, a limo pulls up and DX gets out. Steph leaves Hunter the message. HHH gives her the big ignore, so Road Dogg runs after him to talk about HBK. SPLIT UP LIKE SCOOBY DOO!
Scary Movie 1 commercial
ChewyChewyCaramelCrunchyKissMyAssTwix!
WWF Slam of the Week: The Dudleyz put Tori through a table. They weren't boring back then.
Rebeaking five minutes ago: JR and King say that Triple H is in danger of EXPLODING tonight! That's Regal's gimmick!
"No Crotch Tunnel" plays for Y2J Chris Jericho. He didn't do to well in the King of the Ring, losing in the first round. These still picture show that he got to mack with the Heifer at least. WELCOME TO RAW IS JERICHOOOOAH! People have asking why he kissed Stephanie. He said that it's like when you see roadkill on the road. Then he kissed it. Never eeeever. Again-e. Filthy. Brutal. Trashbag. Disgusting. Yadda. "Haha. Mike Tyson had your theme first" escorts X-Pac and Steph. Pac doesn't get fireworks tonight. Headlock from Jericho. Bodyblock and a powerslam gets 2. Chop. Whip. Jericho misses Pac and eats turnbuckle. X-Pac kicks him a few times. Whip is FRENCHOPENED with a boot in the corner. Spinning heel kick and set up for the Bronco Buster. Jericho moves. Flying crossbody. Bulldog. Chop. Bounces off the ropes, but Steph tries to trip Jericho. He leaves the ring to get her, but the Road Dogg attax! Jericho basically beats the crap out of him. Powerbomb to X-Pac! ANOTHER Powerbomb! I miss that. Lionsault! Steph distracts the ref while Road Dogg goes off the top rope with a double axe handle to Jericho. SCALDED DOG EXIT! X-Pac covers for 3. Beatdown after the match. Stephanie slaps him a couple of times and then punts him in the crotch. THE KING OF ROCK WHO? THE KING OF ROCK WHAT? THE KING OF ROCK WHO?
Backstage, Kurt Angle polishes his crown and is so excited that he's talking to himself.
Also Backstage, Val and Trish walk to the ring.
Also also backstage, Eddy makes a dirty Spanish dick joke and Chyna fake laughs it up. Eddy says to get serious but starts laughing himself.
Gregory Hines (not Helms) says to dial 1-800-COLLECT. Wait...that's Arsenio Hall. Nevermind.
AT THE ENTERTAINMENT COMPLEX WWF NEW OMG GODFATHER HAS HOES! I fully expect the cops to show up as these ladies are not legit!
"More racist than Tajiri" plays for the Euro champion. Wow. I had NO IDEA Eddy is Latino! "Techno" is the muzac of which the challenger selects. Lock up. They go into various ropes. Venis reverses a few moves until he gets a belly2bak suplex. Do-si-do over the top rope. How racist is it that they make Guerrero do a move with "Si" in it? Trish tries picking a fight with Chyna but soon runs away. Crowd wants puppies. Venis with a powerbomb. Eddy fights back with headbutts. Springboard into a hurrincanrana. Slides under the ropes. JR says Venis is hungry. Can't it wait until after the match? Oops, here's Chyna getting Eddy Dairy Queened. The HAPPY couple (and Eddy) do a double DDT on Val Venis. Chyna crappybombs her. PLAY THAT SPANISH MUZAC WHITE BOY!
Backstage, Kurt Angle talks to some random old guy about what he will call himself. He comes up with Kurt Angle, Royal Gold Medalist. Angle does, I mean. The other guy just stand there.
WARNING: SMOKING MAY OR MAY NOT CAUSE ALL THE OTHER STUFF IN YOUR ROOM TO TURN INTO A CIGARETTE AND BURN!!
I don't miss Tom Green or his Right Guard commercial.
HOOTY HOO! X-Men commercial! YES! I must go see that!
"Wild Thing Cover" and here comes Ach Bee Kay! He throws the throne over the side of the entrance and breaks it. Spin Shawn Spin!! Hands off the Merchandise! Crowd can chant three initals at once. Michael says he's solly to interrupt the corination, but as the spokeperson of the WWF he has a major announcement. It's about the number-one contender spot. That's all Hermit needs as they come out to Stephanie's muzac. No wait--it was his muzac. Hunter talks about how he and Shawn are DEE BEST FRIENDS. JR warns that he's still about to EXPLODE! HHH brings up the fact that he never lost. Jerry: He's going to EXPLODE! AARGH!~~! Shawn says that Trips is right. The problem is that he's not the commish anymore, so he can't any matches. Michael would go the ends of the earth for him. Tonight, there's going to be a new Commish. "Car Wreck" plays and Mick Foley comes out with his new haircut. HBK does the nWo point to Mick. Hermit is pouting this entire time. Mick confirms that Linda gave him THE POWER!! Foley says he's not sure about Hunter being the champion. Then he makes fun-uh of-uh the Hermit-uh. HHH tries not to explode while telling Mick that he needs to be the number one contender or he's gonna BEAT (not the Megaman character) him up. "YOU SUCK WHAT" plays out the King in full costume.
The first hour is over, so time for a new paragraph. Kurt wants to know what's going on. It's supposed to be his time for the number-one contendership. He calls the fans COMMONERS. Angle rules. Foley says he should put the crown and all on. Then he fake laughs for about twenty minutes. "A GROWN MAN WEARING A CROWN AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Words to live by. He makes the match tonight Kurt Angle v HHH v The Rock. Foley tried to start the new catchphrase "It's my wish, cuz I'm the commish." It fails horribily.
Backstage, TEH LADIES cheer Dean Malenko while he plays pool. Terri is also in there saying that she doesn't want to take her clothes off in the sad sad over-the-top match coming up. Terri says that if Dean wins and Terri gets to keep her clothes, then Dean gets a private showing. Deano does the mandatory double take and drags Terri out to the ring. TEH LADIES...watch his pool cue.
Not Backstage, Jerry Lawler "prepares" for his match. Meaning he stands up and walks three feet.
Buy the replay! Why does we gets video of Jericho's kiss here, but had to see still shots earlier?
Rocky and Bullwinkle! HAHA and the Backsteet Boys are playing the background! Oh my, 2000 sucked a hard one!
Twix Nazis invade my TV again!.
Later tonight, it's the motherfucking FARM CLUB!
Rebeaking Five Minutes Ago, Hermit attaxs Kurt Angle after the match to GAIN THE EDGE! Clever as a fox.
Backstage, Kat looks though the costume trunk looking for more clothes. Jerry comes back to tell her it's time. Stacy makes him promise to not lose on purpose.
"Lita's old muzac" plays for Dean Malenko. Ugh. "Kat" plays for Jerry Lawler. Ok, so if somebody goes over the top ropes, a chick has to take off some clothes. Lawler off the ropes, do-si-do and Malenko goes over the top. Terri takes off some clothes and King stares. Matter of fact he stares so much that Dean DROPKICKS him in the back and he goes over the top rope. Do I have to tell you that "The Stripper Muzac" was playing the entire time? Kat takes off her top, reveal that her bra was bigger than that top. Kicks in the corner from Dean. Whip into the corner, but Lawler dumps him over the top. Terri tries to take off her belts. A ref comes over and says it's illegal. JR tries to impersonate Lawler and says "Bra n Panties" in a high-pitched voice. Naturally it's the funniest thing ever. Dean dumps Jerry so Kat takes off her pants. Dean punching Lawler but Lawler uppercuts him. Dean fights back and charges but is tossed over the top. Terri wants to take off her top. But here comes Stevie Richards who covers up Terri and drags her away. Nobody understand what's going on because the angle has JUST BEGUN!! BEWARE!
Backstage, Edge & Christian whine that The Rock has his own dressing room but they don't. Mick Foley comes back and wonders what's going on. E&C are sick of changing with the boys. Foley says he never had his own dressing room. Edge points out that he never changed his clothes. Mick quotes Sound of Muzac and Wizard of Oz before he leaves. Goldust he is NOT.
HAHA One of the original Stacker 2 commercials, before the WWF took them over. It's the one were the fat chick is on the island being chased by hungry savages. But it's a SWERVE~! It was all a dream.
"Think. Don't smoke." I miss the times where they just tell us what to do without telling us smoking is like drinking piss or whatever.
NAUGHTY PLATINUM ROCK!! Quiet Riot is on it! I wonder it they still sell it!
Backstage, E&C enjoy the bathroom THEIR NEW LOCKER ROOM with a couple of leather chairs and a pretty big TV. Christian is getting thristy. EDGE suggests a soda because SODAS RULE.
"Old Old Old Muzac" plays for Too Cool. Next up is "Tribal Drums" for Hardys and Lita. "Generic to the MAX" is the muzac for T&A. Last team out are the APA. I can't even remember if they are still heels. JR claims there's a bunch more team, but Bradshaw just starts hitting people. I guess it's like a battle royal.
BACKSTAGE, Mick comes to check on his tag champs. Was the match THAT bad? E&C asks for some sodas, which Mick say "Kay" too, but right before he left he mentions that they are fighting Undertaker and Kane. Mick leaves chanting "SO-DA!"
Commercials. I couldn't get one good joke out of them.
"Spike's music" bring out the new final team. I see Kaientai in there. They obviously didn't get an entrance. Buh Buh dumps TAKA. Saturn eliminates the Dudley Boyz. BURN!! Dudley's 3-D Funaki for no reason. Crowd chants "Sable." Or "Tables." Matt Hardy eliminated Too Cool and the Albert got rid of Scotty and Matt Hardy. D-Lo Brown is in the ring for some reason. Oh, I guess he was there the whole time. Saturn is his partner. T&A pick on Bradshaw and D-Lo and Saturn pick on Faarooq. Test goes for the BIG BOOT, but misses and Bradhsaw dumps him over. Faarooq takes care of Saturn and it's over. The APA win. TOO MUCH ACTION!! GO TO COMMERCIAL!!
A Space Channel 5 commercial? Bad dancing. IT'S A KILLER!
SCARY MOVIE IS NOT FUNNY!!
At some house show, Too Cool, Rikishi, and Jerry Lawler all hang out with Donald Trump. HE LIK TEH ROCK OMG ROOFLES!
WWF New York. Godfather is at "the party place" dancing with the hos. PIMPIN AINT PIMPIN AINT PIMPIN AINT EASY MAN!
Backstage, E&C aren't happy anymore. They don't feel like wrestling Undertaker and Kane. Foley reminds them to look at this shirt. Sadly, only MMIS is showing, which Edge points out. Foley opens his flannel to reveal the coolest shirt evar. COMMISSIONER. If they doesn't fight, he'll strip them of the titles. JR does his Jabba laugh.
Also Backstage, Kane and Undertaker get ready for the match. WHAT A SEGMENT!!!!!!!!!!
William Shatner sings badly while plugging Priceline.com. BUST A MOVE!!
It's the motherfucking tikka-tikka farmclub! It's Nex!
Time for the BURN of the Week. Shane takes his contractual bump through a table at King of the Ring. OHHH BURN!
"Thx for not giving me another seizure Edge" here comes E&C for the match. Christian tries to do his greetings, but forget where he's at so he whines about how they being treated unfair. Out of protest, they will NOT be giving five second of photography. "Boom" goes Kane. No, it's not HHH exploding. Light those flashpots! Lawler does NOT squeal, but he moans when Undertaker's muzac starts. HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! Hey, there's Jim Dotson! Kane elbows Christian in the corner. Big whip and Christian tries a few punches and kicks. Kane and Undertaker. Stereo coakslams. This match lasted about a minute. May as well replay the entire match.
Backstage, here comes Hermit. Oh, and here comes Angle. Finally, here comes Rocky. They are all fighting right after some commercials!!
Chicken Run is now playing.
Castro loses at Starcraft 64. This was much funnier when it was Bill & Ted & Napoleon.
OH MY GOD!!! IT'S ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE!!!! Never let Whoopie act again.
At some racktrack, Jerry Toliver raced his Rocky car to a big win. Joy.
Kurt Angle comes out. He gets fireworks for the first time. He takes a seat to do some commentary. He points out that Hunter takes forever to get to the ring, so he's going to rest. Angle rules. Actually, it's not so bad because he doesn't wait for the usual music cue to spit up. The champion enters last. You can catch the hit single from Rock and Wyclef Jean on MTV tommorow. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Rocky starts with punches to Angle. Off the ropes, Rocky gets a tilt-a-whirl slam. Angle rolls out and here comes Hunter. Right X 5. Off the ropes, Rocky hits a swinging neckbreater. Hermit comes back and throws him over the top. Angle tries a sneak, but Rock rams Angle's head into the table. Hunter comes around and the same thing happens. Back in the ring, Rock knocks Angle to the floor but he comes right back in. Belly2belly to the Rock. HHH and Angle take turns on the Rock. Hunter holds Rock for Angle to hit. IT WORKS!! Suplex from HHH to Rock. Knee drop. Angle tries to sneak in a cover. Triple H pulls him off and yells at him for a second. This gives Rock time to hit Angle a few times. HIGH KNEE from HHH. Cover for two before Triple H is dragged off by Angle. Angle throws Rocky into the corner. HHH pushes him away and kicks Rocky in the corner. Angle take his turn next. Rock blocks punches and FRENCHOPENS a whip into a clothesline. Another FRENCHOPEN for HHH, and he flies over the top rope. Rock with a whip and a samoan drop. CRAP BELLY2BELLY gets two. JR: "Modified." Yeah, modified into CRAP! The heels come back with a TANDEM OFFENSE. Hunter hits the knee to the face and Angle with a BELLY2BAK. Angle and Hermit stare down.Angle covers, and HHH low-blows him. Toss out of the ring. HHH turns around into Rock Bottom NOWAIT! HHH elbows out of it but walks into a DDT. It gets 2. Angle drags Rocky outside. Into the stairs. Angle back in the ring picking on Trips. He fights back with a neckbreaker. HHH covers Angle. Rock pulls him off. On the outside, Rock catapults Hunter into the POLE. Into the ring, Rock with a PINEBUSTER. Rock was about to go for a elbow. Triple H stops that. He goes for a pedigree, but Angle stops that. Angle with the Olympic Slam on the Rock. 1....2....Nope. Triple H made it in. Here's the pedigree on Angle. He gets two but Chris Jericho(!) stops the count. HHH explodes after being hotshoted on the ropes. Rock Bottom. Goodnight. Way to sell that Angle Slam.
JR: "Rock for all ages." SHUT UP.