Some song by some whiny band rehashes the tournament. It’s triumphs (Albert taps) and it’s tragedies (Taker/Rey).

This is coming from the Norfolk Scope, in Norfolk, about 45 minutes from my apartment. I couldn’t go. Suxxors. Still, it wouldn’t have lived up to the last one I saw live, where Brok ate Hogan.

R-E-I (w/CHAD and GRANDPA) is “a flashy firecracker.” That’s Rey’s a lil’ spitfire! He has “instant chemistry” with BUZZASAWRU, so Tajiri goes next to Brian Kendrick on Chad’s list of enemies. They will face…aw crap, THE BIG TRAIN. Why? I’d swear they just do it to piss off anyone who likes cruiserweights. Tazz think Show is bigger than last week. He’s getting ready for Cinco de Mayo by eating Mexican. I mean, Mexicans. A-Train starts with his old rival Misterio. Rey punches away, like an idiot. Albert takes over, presses him up for a falcon arrow (or Hollycaust, if you will,) but Rey pops out in mid-air and dropkicks Albert while he’s still sitting on that big ol’ butt of his. Tajiri is tagged in for a dropkick, but Albert does one of those “big guy being pinned by a small guy” kick-outs. Tajiri tags in Rey. Albert grabs both by the throats and shoves them off, but both men kip up and dropkick his knees! Double dropkick to the head! Tajiri decks both guys, but Rey gets a jawbreaker. A dropkick sets up the 619, but Show kicks Rey. Tag to Show, who waddles around killing everyone. He tosses Rey casually into the corner in such a way that Rey had no control over the impact. More stuff. Albert beats Rey up for awhile. I fastforward. Tajiri eventually gets in for a spunky lil’ Jap segment, even kicking Show off the apron, but Show just saves the 3 count off of Tajiri’s official finishing kick. Then Show presses Rey over his head one-handed, which he used to do every week on Nitro, just to be a dick. Albert gets his hoppity-hoppity bunny kick on Tajiri for the “big” win. So why do Team Angle have the belts anyway? Albert goes to punish Tajiri for being so hairless, but Tajiri mists him. Show clotheslines Yoshi, but Rey spins around with a sorta 619 on the cornerpost, knocking Show on his Big Ass. Paul Wight makes a "big show" of being angry about that! OH HO HO HO! Maybe we’ll get a lengthy, hateful Show/Rey feud.

Commercials. The NY Times called Platinum “Snoop Dogg meets the Sopranos,” which is not, technically speaking, praise. Though apparently they gushed it. The NY Times: a torrent of shitty “something meets something” cliches.

During the break, I GET MISTY asks WEEEEELL, I JUST FELL ON MY ASS why he’s so mad. Show is angry at being embarrassed. He doesn’t like being laughed at. God, I hope he doesn’t know how to visit Weekly Visitor! Bah, look what I’m saying, if we gave him a computer, he’d try to use it to microwave burritos. Anyway, he wants a match with that “masked freak.” So…does this mean Rey and Kane are tight now?

LIL’ MIKEY COLE gets to interview DANCES WITH RING APRONS. Brok is HOLDING FUNAKI DOWN! Once again, the fact that he survived his massive fuck-up at Mania means he’s a great athlete. What was he feeling? “I was feelin’ the pain, heh heh!” OH BROK, YOU CARD! Brok: “Did you see that? I landed on my noggin!” Brok asks Cole if he wants an F-5. What a kidder! Hahaha, that wacky funster! “On a more serious note, I knew when Kurt kicked out of 2 F-5s, that I had to do something out of the ordinary…” Like concuss yourself? Anyway, if he had to do it all over again, he would. Me, I would have gone for a regular splash, maybe pulled Kurt closer, or something. Anyway, Brok starts to tell us he respects Kurt, so here comes SO, YOU THINK YOU’RE UNTOUCHABLE. That’s the line that inexplicably opens John Cena’s rap. Cena calls Brok a “big liar” because he claims to have gotten a concussion, but he has no brain. DON’T GO THERE GIRLFRIEND! Cole had the sense to get out of there, by the way. John Cena is bigger than Brok, bigger than the fans (OH BOOOO!) and bigger than the title. This summons ANIMATRONIC WOLVERINE to defend the honor of a belt he’ll never, ever hold. Chris says you respect the belt even if you don’t respect the champ, so Brok gets all whiny. Brok shakes Cena’s hand, then Brok shakes Benoit’s hand…and Cena sneaks in a cheapshot. On Chris. That was…odd.

Commercials. Platinum has a “refreshingly irreverent attitude.” FINALLY! Something irreverent on TV! Or did they mean irrelevant?

“Mr. America” is coming. I hope they aren’t serious with this…

ORALE (w/EDDIE’S FORMER SLAVE) comes out as Cole explains that apparently (because he doesn’t know) Mr. America is the embodiment and personification of America. This is going to suck so much. Oh, Backlash will see the Guerreros finally getting their tag title rematch. Eddie will be wrestling MR. TRAILER PARK (w/A FRUIT OFTEN MISTAKEN FOR A VEGETABLE) but MR. AND MRS. AMERICA are out too. Again, don’t ask me which is which. Sheldon says nothing of note, but uses a fake Mexican accent. Then Haas says Grandma Guerrero is the best housekeeper money can buy. So…apparently the writing staff only had one racist joke, and Haas can’t do a Mexican accent, and…forget it. Jamie attacks. He also yells “Come on Esse!” Eddie fires back, but gets neckbreakered. Scoopslam by Jamie, then a legdrop. Tazz, I forgot to mention, doesn’t get why the crowd isn’t behind Noble, since they should identify with him. Cole says Eddie “switches plateaus.” Eddie gets a nice suplex for 2. He charges into Jamie’s elbow, then Jamie charges into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Eddie…tries for face heat with little success. Cole comments that Team Angle are without their leader, so Tazz calls them a headless dog. I prefer thinking of them as seven midgets whose leader-broad croaked after eating the poison apple. NO...I prefer to think of them as LEGLESS DOGS! They'll never run away...they're like cuddly throw pillows... Jamie…gets a nice pumphandle suplex. I still don’t get why his push was killed. Eddie kicks out at 2, then counters a White Trash Compactor into a monkey-flip. Jamie goes right into the turnbuckle, and is backsuplexed by Eddie. He goes up, Nidia attacks, Chavo attacks her, Jamie tries to knock Eddie down, but Eddie fights him off and gets the Lone Star for the win. Eddie grabs a mic, and tells Team Angle they’re fags using puns about “practicing take-downs” and “a whole new meaning to the phrase, ‘you suck.’” Team Angle attack, with Texas again proving it’s wrestling superiority to America.

Commercials. “Heat: The Video” by 50 Cent looks to be the stupidest idea humanity has ever conceived. Pre-rendered CGI that makes the highly interactive world of…say…Smackdown for PS1 look like Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. Huh…imagine that. I just used FF:TSW as the good half of a vaguely comical analogy.

More promos with NEO FRENCHY MARTIN and DINO BRAVO 2000. I have a sneaking suspicion that maybe…just maybe…they will be jobbing to Mr. America a lot. Cole is openly laughing as we cut back from the promo. Tazz doesn’t know NATO from the UN, making him dumber than…maybe 10% of Smackdown’s audience. Maybe.

It really should be "the NATO," but that sounds wrong. Kinda like ATM machines.

“Remedy” by Cold still sucks. Big Show will face Rey at Backlash. Ugh.

Nathan Jones vs Nunzio…next. Maybe. I am more than comfortable fastforwarding through a backstory recap.

Earlier tonight, C.O.B.R. (OMG LIKE COBRA) acted like a psychopath and killed all of the FUNKY BUNCH IMITATORS, which might just undercut any tension over his upcoming match with Nunzio.

Now it’s time for THE PEROXIDE PALZ to do sexual banter. Sable, apparently, flashes Torrie. I hope someday I have enough fiscal power to rehire aged T&A who initially quit over lesbian angles, just to make them do the lesbian angle so I can show the world nobody declines my lesbian angles. That’s not how I’d use the money, but I’d like to have enough that that would be an option.

Piper’s Pit is next. Whee!

Commercials. Was The Jamie Foxx Experiment a big success and I just missed it?

The Confidence…Confidence of the Week was Vince McMahon not losing.

There’s an exterior shot of the Norfolk Scope. So far, I wouldn’t have missed much if I’d gone.

Here comes EAMON MCTAVISH, ARGH!!! He says that fans who write on computer boards are cowards because we don’t own up to anything. He’s right, of course. Without my mask, I’d never have the courage to claim Chad and Grandpa come out with Rey Junior, or that Big Show eats Mexicans. Piper says: “People are coming out of their closets, and are starting to beat people up, and I like it! People are getting free, watching Hot Rod, they’re doing whatever they wanna do!” Is he talking about Raven? He shows that bit with Snuka again, because the entire mystique of Piper’s Pit came from that one incident where Piper hit an insane Samoan with unusually hard food. FYI, the reason they never air other clips is because that was the only thing even remotely good and that wasn't that good. Screw this, bring back the Brother Love Show. Piper shows Satan’s attack last week, and introduces our guest, DEVIL POWER MY GAWD!! Sean has music, but I can’t hear it because Piper will never, ever shut up. Sean says “indeed.” HE’S WITH KAI-EN-TAI!! Sean says he wants to learn from the only mind that might be more evil than his, but…he’s not telling Piper anything he doesn’t already know. PIPER IS MORE EVIL THAN SATAN!! Now SUPER(OLD)FLY JIMBO BILLIARDS comes out. For fuck’s sake Vince, why not bring back Doink and Papa Shango while you're at it? Piper acts stunned. Piper asks Snuka how he is. Snuka: “Brudha, there is a problem here!” Piper tells Sean to let him show him the “eval” he can do. Piper claims he doesn’t need air or food or water, because he’s self-contained. Huh? Piper then…extends the hand of “friendship and kindness,” and asks if they can bury the cocoanut. Nope. Snuka catches a Piper cheapshot, then goes into those weird, spazzy chops I must admit were always fun. Lucifer appears in a cloud of black smoke to take him down, but now ASS is here to attack. He takes Sean out quickly, as Piper readies one of those director’s chairs to attack with. Rikishi sees him, so Roddy plays innocent until the Devil recovers and nails a Better Run Through The Jungle Kick to the back of Ass' head. Satan and a guy even eviller than Satan now start to leave. Big Keesh gets a mic and says absolutely nothing, but somehow, he wins the Pit!

Dude, now that Sean “Satan” O’Haire is involved, it should be “Piper’s Pit of Burning Torment” or something.

Commercials. Bah.

WHAT THE…TORRIE WAS IN PLAYBOY!?!? signs autographs and loves her fans and crap. And now she’s out for a match, wearing Playboy-themed ring attire. IF IT HAS SEEDS, IT’S FRUIT (w/HEY EVERYBODY LOOK AT MY PROPERTY) will be her opponent, and ANCIENT 30-SOMETHING HAG is the ref. This is late, and I’m in a hurry, so…Sable appeared to be counting too slow for both girls, but I doubt it was intentional. She does give Jamie a baseball slide kick when he tries to cheat. Torrie wins, duh.

Commercials. GTA:VC…it’s like “Heat: The Video,” only you can interact with it and you don’t have to listen to 50 Cent.

Our Malibu’s Most Wanted of the Week is Matt Hardy being mean to Brian Kendrick.

I REALLY DIG MY BOOK (w/HIS FAVORITE SUSHI IS FRESHWATER EEL) will be facing HEY YOU, HEY YOU, HEY YO. This is probably gonna be good, but I really gotta finish this. Tazz says this is brought to us by “Koei Dynasty Warriors 4,” so Cole says “can’t wait,” and Tazz says, “for what,” and Cole says “Koei.” Cause he’s really excited about that software company existing later. Anyway, they have what I’m sure was a nice little match with Shannon doing very little cheating before Matt escapes the SB#2 and gets the TOF for the 123. I should have skipped the opener.

The FBI talk about how they’re going to all die later.

Commercials. A western-themed ad for a diva video. It has Torrie, Dawn, Nidia…and that’s it.

ALWAYS POUNDING ASS visit the troops, just like Hope and Crosby. Tune in for a series of “On the Road” movies, with Bradshaw and Simmons in Zanzibar and Morocco and…does anyone know what I’m talking about?

THE FUTURE OF SMACKDOWN is here! Can his match with HEY PAISAN possibly top his match with Bill Demott? Punch by Nathan. Nunzio crawls around. I figured there was no point to dogging this one. Nathan with a lifting choke. Nathan turns around and kicks for some Eastern flavor. Another punch. Nunzio runs around, Nathan lifts and chokes him some more, and Nunzio signals for help. JOHNNY RAVIOLI is dispatched with what appeared to be a pretty good gutwrench suplex. CHUCKY P gets punched. Nunzio attacks and is no-sold. He flees, Nathan follows him…and eats the Panty Kick. Johnny slams him over the barricade, and Nathan’s leg is crushed under the ADAMANT STEPS. That’s too shiny to be adamantium. Anyway, it just goes to show that Australia is not three times as good as Italy.

Commercials. Goldberg: on sale now.

If Mr. America turns out to be who I heard it is, things are about to go from bad to worse.

I AM NOT A DENVER NUGGET (I’m from this area and have no idea why we’d hate the Denver Nuggets, though it’s not like I follow non-worked sports) is out to talk about and touch his genitals. His foe in this tournament final is I WILL NEVER BE CHAMPION. Headlockery to start. Benoit knocks Cena down, gets a snap mare, and tries an armbar. Benoit…switches from hold to hold as Cena tries to keep up. Cena forces Benoit in the corner, so Benoit breaks and goes to punches. Benoit goes to a waistlock, and Cena finally takes over with the old Ric Flair trick-knee (while grabbing and distracting the ref.) Cena, being a fake rapper, goes for the Ninja Chokeout. Benoit fights out, but Cena puts the boots to him. And we’re back to the Ninja Chokeout. For all the praise Cena is getting, he goes to the Ninja Chokeout an awful lot. Benoit tries for Rolling Germans, but Cena…rolls around and pins him for 2. Crawlspace attempt, but Cena makes the ropes. I wonder if Team SW would care more if this was Wild Pegasus and CIMA? Oops…Cena rolls outside, so Benoit gives him a tope. And…we go to break.

Commercials. In case you were wondering, the good folks who run and frequent Blue Horseshoe Tattoo are still incredibly ugly.

We come back, back in the ring, with Benoit pinning for 2 a lot. Benoit goes with some armlock. I…miss a bit, and Chris rushes into a boot. Cena hot-shots Benoit…twice. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that move doubled-up before. Cena gets a flying mare, and acts shocked that that didn’t get 3. Cena wrenches on the neck. Cena fights back and goes to chops, but Cena drop toe-holds him into the buckles. Cena…lays Chris’ neck on the second rope, then gets a second-rope legdrop across it. Cena…gets his own sort of kind of crossface, but Benoit escapes with a hellacious back-suplex. Benoit with more chops. Benoit sends Cena into the ropes and gets him with that double forearm thing. Snap-suplex. Cena counters a whip into…something. Kind of a backdrop into a sideslam. Cena chokes. He sends Benoit into the buckle, Benoit comes back with a forearm, and there’s a release German! AIR CANADA! Cena escapes. An Oklahoma roll gets 2. But…we’re goin’ to the Crawlspace! Cena reaches the ropes. Chris goes to town with stomps. Benoit tries for a German, Cena holds the ropes…Benoit goes for the Crawlspace…Cena gets under him and turns it into the DVD…Benoit fights his way free and tries to roll Cena up…Cena sits down on him, hooks the legs…and…wins clean?

Final thoughts: Sorry this is so late. This show had Eddie wrestling Jamie and Matt wrestling Kendrick and I probably should have enjoyed it, but blarg. I should see Cena going over Benoit clean as a sign they intend to do something with him, but since Brok is going to kill him it just makes me wonder why the WWE hates Benoit so much. I hate to go all generic Vince-basher and say it’s cause he isn’t “home grown,” but sometimes the generic Vince-bashers are just right. Anyway, it’s quantity over quality as I’ll have a WCW ppv rebeak up sometime this week, lest anyone think I won't copy TNM wherever applicable. Later. Oh, and Wordlife.