The Shopzone Fiasco
Shopzone. WWF Shopzone. Often a sponsor of WWF programming, sometimes not. Home of some of the most insane product descriptions on the planet outside of Japan. I'd been to Shopzone before, when they had a bit more insane descriptions (Tazz's merchandise is usually downright bizarre), as they seem to have toned down the insanity recently. Or did they? And I have always wondered to myself, "Who writes this stuff?" I was about to find out.
Tazz
I decided to go with familiar territory, and something I knew would be crazy. Tazz's stuff. I was dismayed to find that Tazz's usual repretoire of about 20 shirts and other niceties such as sunglasses had been reduced to 2 shirts. Poor Tazz.
"Tazz Orange Survive Shirt
In Tazz' 'hood, only da thugs survive. If you're weak, don't even bother to buy this shirt, 'cuz if you couldn't make it out of Red Hook, you ain't no Thug. Only Thugs deserve to have this on their back. "Only da thugs Survive" is on back."
What if I've never been to Red Hook? Should I even consider this purchase? There's no test of if I could survive or not. Who exactly is this shirt marketed towards?
Tazz Thug Supastar T-Shirt
Wanna own the streets? Now you can show the neighborhood who's in charge and get the respect you deserve with this stylish Orange Tazz T-shirt. "Thug Superstar" on the front and "Survive if I let You" on the back.
If I walked out in my neighboorhood in this no one would give a damn, let alone give me respect I deserve. Stylish Orange? Pshaw.
Chris Jericho
Second Floor on our journey through the bowels of Shopzone is Chris Jericho. Too bad all of his shirts, much like most of the WWF stars', are terrible.
"Chris Jericho Barbed Wire T-Shirt
Listen up, Junior! If you're a Jerichoholic, you gotta get this shirt. Why, you ask? Because Y2J said so! Disclaimer: Barbed Wire on the shirt is not real. Black, 100% Cotton."
The disclaimer completely makes up for the fact that that right there is a complete ripoff of the ECW logo.
"Chris Jericho 'Shut the Hell Up' Long Sleeve T-Shirt
Chris Jericho hates to be interrupted while speaking. He also hates when other Superstars go on 20 minute rants. He tells them what to do and now you can too with this walking statement! Black, 100% Cotton. Y2J logo on the sleeve."
If I lived in this little fantasy world, I'd buy this shirt first thing so I could immediately stop 20-minute opening promos. Except I hate long-sleeve shirts. Never mind.
Hardy Boyz
UHHHH. Where to begin? First off, one must venture into this realm of no return with the knowledge that a lot of this merchandise is marketed towards girls. Probably gullible ones, too, judging by these descriptions, along with some of the products themselves.
"Hardy Boyz Ball and Chain Pendant
Be just like Team Xtreme and sport this rather cool looking pendant around your neck! What's even cooler is that they designed this and wear the exact same pendant around their high-flyin' necks!"
This is a top selling item, too. Amazing, considering it's only "rather cool" and not "COOL 2 THE X-TREME" or something. And when I think of "High flying necks," I think of a mother cat tossing her kittens off a cliff by the scruff of their necks or something scary like that.
"Hardy Boyz Ball Chain and Rope Bracelet
Ok, so you love the Hardy Boyz. You bought their pendant that they designed and it looks totally Xtreme around your little neck. Now, you can own the matching bracelet they designed as well! Silvertone ball chain with a logo charm. Size 9.5 inches."
Sigh. Where to begin? Homosexual jokes about the Hardyz designining way too much jewelry? Accusations about the fans of this particular tag team, especially with the "Little Neck" comment? Some things are better left hinted at, instead of said.
"Hardy Boyz Motocross Jersey
They`re high-flyin`, eXtreme and they also love to ride motorbikes. Now, Team eXtreme has their very own motocross jersey. Just think of how eXtreme you`ll look with this on! Purple with lime green accents on 100% polyester mock mesh."
Never mind the fact that this is a motocross jersey AND the fact that it's MOCK MESH, honestly imagine how "eXtreme" you'd look wearing a purple and lime green jersey such as this. Go on, do it, and try not to feel dirty afterwords. I dares ya.
"Hardy Boyz Beach Towel
This is Lita's favorite towel to lay on while she sunbathes. Do you really need another reason to buy this towel?!? We thought so. Towel measures 30 inches by 60 inches. 55% ramie and 45% Cotton blend."
You'll buying that very same towel mentioned in the description, so GENTLEMEN START YOUR WANKING the moment this towel arrives in the mail. I hate you, Shopzone.
"Hardy Boyz Bandana
Live for the moment and sport this bad boy bandana around your head or neck. Show you`re eXtreme! Purple. 100% polyester. Measures 21 inches by 21 inches."
Matt and Jeff won't REALLY love you unless you LIVE FOR THE MOMENT and splurge for this hideous thing. Wear it around your mouth and hold up a bank so you can afford Shopzone's horrible prices next time.
Continued on the next page. DO YOU DARE? LIVE FOR THE MOMENT!
