TNM's Salute To The Troops, Part 1
There's a new Public Enemy #1 in the War on Terror. And bingo was his name-o. Paul Heyman hates this country and would see it overrun by his army of Sandmen and homicidal, genocidal, suicidal maniacs. He has the credentials to turn America into one big smoking crater full of a bunch of chairs that everyone threw into a big, sloppy pile. But one good ol' boy from down south has vowed to oppose him, no matter what the cost. Ignoring the advice of his close, personal friend, Dove, Eric Bischoff has declared war on the ECW insurgents. He drew the line in the sand, man. If not for the valiant efforts of Eric Bischoff's Howling Commandos, we'd all be drinking Bulbasaurus Blue Kool-Aid right now. They never give up, they're always there, fighting Paul Heyman over land and air. I, for one, don't want to live in a country where I'm subjected to embarrassing chants every time I fuck up. And I fuck up A LOT. So I feel that the least I can do is give these intrepid heroes the recognition they deserve. Freedom isn't free, and neither is One Night Stand, so let's all round up some jobbers and barge the fuck in.
ALPHA TEAM, GO!!!
Real Name: Eric Bischoff
Codename: Karate Gi-I Joe
Special Attack: KUNNNNNNNG FUUUUUU KIIIIIICK!!!
Favorite Quote: "I'll trade you a Derek Jeter rookie card for your wife!"
Backstory: As the grizzled general manager in charge of this campaign, Eric Bischoff plans to lead his ground forces into the Hammerstein Ballroom and be all like, "Hello, Heyman." Then Snitsky will burst through the door in a wacky manner and trip over something. It was Bischoff who originally killed off ECW by... Christ, I don't know. Stealing away Mike Awesome with the promise of pants with words on the legs, I guess. Had Awesome remained behind to take his "guy who wears bell-bottoms and fucks fat women" gimmick TO THE EXTREME, ECW would have developed into an unstoppable juggernaut, crushing all competition on its way to becoming the #1 wrestling promotion in creation. Perched atop a throne made from the fleshless skulls of his enemies, Paul Heyman would rule the universe with an iron fist, all while wearing a toupee woven from the pubic hairs of the thousands of beautiful women he bedded. Thankfully for us, Eric Bischoff was there to protect our nation's interests, single-handedly signing The Sandman and turning him into Raven's gay neighbor. Eric may have lost the Monday Night War, but he was victorious in the far more important Saturday Night Scrum or whatever the fuck. And so the lowly Paul Heyman was vanquished, abandoning his dreams to become some weirdo who lives in the Titan Towers' dumpster and gets in trouble for eavesdropping when Vince McMahon calls 1-900-SEX-CHAT. But a deposed Heyman is no less dangerous. His army of fanatical zealots still worship him, chanting "ECDUB" and burning good old-fashioned American tables and playing cards. So Eric Bischoff's going back to finish what he started. He's going to drag Paul Heyman out of a spiderhole by his ponytail and take a picture of him in his underwear. God bress of America.
Real Name: Edge
Codename: Aqualad
Special Attack: Swimming up your toilet to make out with you
Favorite Quote: "Finned friends, to me!"
Backstory: As King of the Merfolk, Edge rules the sunken paradise of Atlantis. Welcome to Atlantis, where the players play, and we ride on some fish most every day. Generally a peaceful soul, Edge was driven to anger when the thoughtless landlubbers above kept polluting his oceans with their goddamned wedding rings. The final straw came when evil ECW Man Chris Benoit infiltrated the ranks of the Atlanteans and tried to pass himself off as one of their own. So it came to pass that Edge saddled his trusty seahorse and rode to the side of Eric Bischoff to battle the blubbery whale known as Paul Heyman. King Edge will be spearheading Bischoff's aquatic attack with his navy of hypnotized fish. If you've ever wanted to see Sabu get hit with a flounder, then One Night Stand is the PPV for you. In conclusion, Edge is Eric Bischoff's most trusted general (Lawler: "HUH?!?") and he loves the smell of tuna in the morning. Speaking of which...
Real Name: Lita
Codename: Fish Taco
Special Attack: Telling you how sweaty you are
Favorite Quote: "I WAS ONCE A MAAAAAN!!!"
Backstory: Everyone knows that girls can't fight, so I don't know why the hell Lita's hanging around. I guess she can point derisively at Paul Heyman's penis or supervise as the Impact Players are stacked into a naked human pyramid. Then she'll get knocked up by Edge and Snitsky can kill the baby. I love it when a plan comes together. Like Jim Ross' 400-year old wife Betsy, Lita has designed the flag of the Bischoff Brigade. It features a fish jumping over a fetus and a goat in a boat and all kinds of crazy crap. Lita plans to plant it squarely in the center of an ECW ring because all women are good for is gardening and getting pregnant and having sex behind your back. WHORES, ALL OF 'EM.
Real Name: Christian
Codename: The Cap'n With Whom You Make It Happen
Special Attack: Tantrum
Favorite Quote: "Arr! Now ye be unpretty!"
Backstory: The would-be heir to the throne of Atlantis, Christian chose to forego that life to seek the love of a good woman. Grandma Edna. He never regretted giving up his undersea adventures, for he was finally at peace. Everything was all milk 'n cookies and birthday cards with $5 in them until one fateful day when a hooligan named New Jack broke into Grandma Edna's house in search of booty. Either the treasure kind or the ass kind. He wasn't picky. New Jack had his eye on Christian's boombox, but Grandma Edna stubbornly fought to protect it because she knew it was her darling grandson's only method of obtaining the beats he so dearly loved. The ensuing struggle resulted in Grandma Edna getting bladed to death. Christian returned home just in time to witness the escape of the man he vowed to hunt to the ends of the Earth, as New Jack jumped out a sixth story window and disappeared from view. And so the Dread Pirate Christian refurbished his old vessel, The Angry C, and returned to the oceans that spawned him. He and a crew of his most loyal peeps are sailing the Hudson River as we speak. He's headed for the Hammerstein Ballroom. He's coming for you, New Jack. That's how... he rolls.
One Niiiight Stand, that's the name of the vengeance for his graaaand-ma.
Real Name: Gene Snitsky
Codename: Psycho S.I.D.S.
Special Attack: Dropping bombs on your moms. Assuming she's pregnant.
Favorite Quote: "The Holocaust WASN'T... MY... FAULT!"
Backstory: Be. All that you can be. Get an edge on life, kill a baby. Gene Snitsky is Eric Bischoff's secret weapon. If a mission appears to be going badly, Bischoff will scream "ABORT! ABORT!" and that's when Snitsky comes runnin'. Gene used to be the Quiet Religious Guy, but he was driven insane by the horrors of war (LITA) long ago. So he did a 180 on the whole Pro-Life thing and starting punching women in the stomach. As a "Special"-Ops Agent, Snitsky is able to sneak unnoticed into all manners of vagina like a thief in the night. Once more into the breach. Snitsky has a crucial role to play in the attack on New York City, having been tasked with the infiltration of The Womb of the Unknown Soldier. It is there that he must overpower Kid Kash and deposit him in a trash can. Snitsky is also a big fan of the poems of Alfred Lord Heidenreich. Fetus to left of them. Fetus to right of them. Fetus in front of them. Chilling.
Real Name: Maven
Codename: The Slightly-Brown Baron
Special Attack: Getting bored and doing something else
Favorite Quote: "I am about to win this match with my patented AW FUCK THIS LET'S GO PLAY DUNGEONS & DRAGONS"
Backstory: A former schoolteacher, Maven declared his allegiance to Eric Bischoff after watching that commercial about how random minimum-wage schlubs like himself and Chuck Palumbo should haul ass to the Middle East and chase after Osama Bin Laden. Because he is able to take to the skies by flapping his eyebrows and thinking happy thoughts, Maven is the key to Eric Bischoff's aerial assault. He also has the ability to comb-over said eyebrows into a protective flight helmet that encases his beautiful, irresistible head. Eric Bischoff has Maven piloting a Zero that was commandeered from Tajiri while he wasn't looking. No peripheral vision with those slanty eyes. Coincidentally enough, Zero is also the number of matches Maven has won in the past five years. Maven's mission is to distract Little Guido by presenting him with a piping-hot Red Baron pizza. The strategy could prove to be flawed, however, as Maven has the attention span of a retarded puppy who has been drinking Jolt cola and sniffing cocaine all day. It's very possible that he'll be mere seconds away from a kamikaze attack on the Hammerstein Ballroom when he decides to PSHAW it all and go A.W.O.L. to watch Operation: Dumbo Drop. As a sidenote, Maven's secondary objective is to drop Simon System care packages to all the hungry refugees (TOMMY DREAMER) in the bingo hall.
Real Name: Jonathan Coachman
Codename: The Kansas City Kid
Special Attack: Moxious Maneuver
Favorite Quote: Shrieking after he gets misted
Backstory: Eric Bischoff's chief advisor, Coach's duty is to "coach" the new recruits and discover what their major malfunction is. Although he will totally make you do push-ups in the filthy Kansas mud, Coach's gruff, cigar-chomping exterior belies a heart of gold. He loves each of his trainees like a son or daughter, which is why he calls everyone "kid" despite only being like 30. Coach is especially close to young Maven, having taught the lad his most secret Tips 'N Tricks on how to defeat Tajiri. Coach also doubles as the unit's medical officer. If somebody takes Green Mist to the face, you better believe Coach be there with the LensCrafters eyewash. "Fifty CC's of moxie, stat!" is what he will say. Coach has prepared gasmasks to nullify the cowardly chemical warfare of the ECW army. No funky new smells will be coming to town on his watch. I realize that Coach's many girlfriends (THE HEART THROBS) will miss him terribly during his tour of duty, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. He'll be back before you know it. The men will cheer and the boys will shout. The ladies they will all turn out. And we'll all feel gay when Jonny comes marching home.
Real Name: Tyson Tomko
Codename: The Desert Goat
Special Attack: Eating a tin can
Favorite Quote: "I will not give beats in a house. I will not give beats with a mouse. I will not give beats here or there. I will not give beats anywhere. I will not give beats like DJ Ran. I will not give beats, Christ-I-An."
Backstory: Tyson Tomko is an angry loner because no one will eat Green Eggs & Ham with him. No one except Eric Bischoff, that is. "If you'll be my bodyguard, I can be your long lost pal," Bischoff told Tomko over brunch. And so T-Squared graduated from Big Boot Camp and pledged to protect his commanding officer with his very life. He never leaves Bischoff's side, brooding silently in the background as he refuses any and all requests for beat-giving. Only when Eric Bischoff is threatened by a deranged tope suicida bomber like Super Crazy does Tyson spring into action, kicking people in the face with an 18% success rate. Problems he is able to solve include Conscious Jobbers, Weapons Of Math Destruction, and Brown People Other Than Maven.
Real Name: William Regal
Codename: A Real Man's Man!
Special Attack: Pretends to teach you table manners, then WHAM!
Favorite Quote: "That fork should only be used for salads, dear boy."
Backstory: William Regal is as tough as nails and twice as pointy! When you see him comin' through, either fall in line or get the fuck out of the way! William Regal single-handledly won World War II equipped with nothing more than a pair of brass knuckles, a soup spoon, and some control-top panties! He shall fight ECW on the shores! He shall fight ECW on the beaches! He shall fight ECW on a boat! He shall fight ECW with a goat! Eric Bischoff gave the Brit a token membership in the ECW Resistance in order to validate his whole "Coalition of the Willing" line of bullshit. Coalition of the Willie. But is Regal's heart really in it? Can he stand idly by while Coach and Maven send Tajiri back to LensCrafters in a box? Only time will tell, but for now, William is solidly in Eric Bischoff's camp. He is a bit stuffy, however, which is why he frequently finds himself on the receiving end of his comrades' good-natured pranks. We've replaced William Regal's regular cup of morning tea with urine. Let's see if he can tell the difference!
Real Name: Rob Conway and Sylvain Grenier
Codename: Frogmen
Special Attack: Saluting you like a huge, sarcastic douche
Favorite Quote: "*horrible singing*"
Backstory: I'm only assuming on this one. Haha, wait, RAW just verified it. Bischoff's going to need some warm bodies, right? Grunts. Jarheads. Fodder. And we know Conway has an illustrious military career like A.C. Slater's dad. Grenier, on the other hand, can use his heavenly singing voice to put on a U.S.O. show for the troops. Coincidentally enough, you might remember Conway and Grenier from the Jonny Quest opening. They were about to eat a boat.
FALL OUT!!!
You're dismissed for now, but make sure you report back on Friday for the Smackdown roll call. Don't be a Randy Orton.
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