My brand new life-partner "Samoa" Joe was recently acquired by Total Nonstop Action. But because TNA pays their wrestlers in friendly handshakes, he still works down at the docks busting mussels for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Samoa" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he hates you, and because I gave him five Samoleons, "Samoa" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from movie stars and headshrinkers!!!

-Much like Santa Claus, Shane Douglas knows when you are sleeping. Oohoohoo.

-TNA Management approached WWE's The Boogeyman about a possible defection, but he didn't want to open that can of worms. Must have already eaten.

-Simon Diamond once spent six hours contemplating the nature of Pi, at which point he gave up and ate a pie.

-Top secret! Abyss concocts his world-famous eggbabynog by smashing little effigies of Sabu on his head!

-Pop Secret! Abyss' favorite Christmas tree decoration is the popcorn chain!

-Matt Bentley and his very homosexual cousin are spreading holiday cheer amongst sick children this year with their "Boytoys For Tots" campaign.

Similarly, the newborn offspring of Jeff Jarrett and Gail Kim (TATER TOTS) were tragically eaten by none other than Samoa Joe himself.

-Following up on the tremendous success of his slutty lower back tattoo, Lance Hoyt recently got his clitoris pierced.

-What do you get Billy Gunn, the man who's "got it all," for Christmas? More gay sex, of course!

-Sabu's preferred holiday flower is the Point-settia.

-Samoan sources say that Smackdown's general manager is all set to jump ship to TNA! He and a certain messiah of the backbreaker plan to found a stable based on their shared love of big butts (Dutts). 'Cause he's Long, and he's Strong, and they're down to get the friction on.

-I hear tell that Space Invader James Storm's favorite type of rocket is the bottle rocket.

HELLO, CONSUMERS!!! The holiday shopping season is upon us once again, and I, @Lx Shelley, am your hook-up! Consider this your cordial invitation to holler if you hear me! Today, I'll be listing this year's hottest video games and electronics that you should purchase from me on eBay at the last minute like some sort of a loafing layabout! Don't confuse me with that Chinaman, who will probably rip you off and steal your copy machine! Soon I will have so many positive feedbacks that I will acquire this icon , at which point I will add the Shooting Star Press to my arsenal and start going "PCHOO! PCHOO!" all the time! And then membership into the Space Invaders is but a phone call away! Assuming Samoa Jo-Jo lets me sponge off his Anytime Minutes, but I am certain that he will because we are as tight as two peas in a pod!!! So L@@K! AND BID WITH CONFIDENCE!!!

Remember, if your children do not receive fine gifts like these from "Xanta Claus," as it were, they will cease to love you! And then they will pack their little bindles and run away and probably get eaten by Joe! AND THAT WOULD NOT MAKE FOR A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS, WOULD IT NOW, EBENEEZARD SCROOGE??? *hands in your face*

X-Divison Box 360!

This is the big ticket item this year because video game fans have no taste!!! Samoa Jo-Jo already owns one of these because he is one of those mentally deficient individuals who wakes up at 1:34 AM on the day after Thanksgiving (Casual Friday) and wrests in a sleeping bag on the freezing Wal-Mart sidewalk for six hours!!! Then the doors finally open and all the frenzied shoppers rush in but Joe muscle busts them all to hell and starts grabbing Cabbage Patch Dolls left and right! It's pretty great. Anyway, Joe invited me over to play Dead Or Alive on this thing, which is a video game about Bon Jovi, if I'm not mistaken. But then Joe entered a cheat code and AJ Styles crashed through the window on a rope suspended from a chandelier and did about nine somersaults like Errol Flynn and shouted "SAMOA JOE, YOU HAVE BROKEN THE CODE OF THE XBOX DIVISION!!!" And then they swashbuckled up the stairs and I lost track of them. So I played Joe's turn! *double thumbs-up*

So anyway you can only buy this item from me because it is rarer than an endangered puffin and all the stores are sold out!!! The only other way you could get this thing would be to participate in an Ultimate XBOX match in which you climb up a ladder and try to grab one while Monty Brown throws barrels at you! But I do not recommend it as Petey Williams would try to step on your penis and the video game system would probably just fall from its perch and shatter into a million points of light, anyway. SO BUY NOW!!!

Nintendo: Destination S!

TWO SCREENS HOW COOL. I don't like this thing because it features voice recognition and my primary means of communication is mime, but your grubby children will no doubt derive hours of fun from screaming "BOOGER" and "VULVA" at Mario!!! You guys know Mario, right? *mustache gesture* This system actually came out last year but it only had shitty games like "Mowin' The Lawn" and "Watch Mario Paint Dry" and "President Grover Cleveland Takes A Holiday." But now it has sweet shit like Animal Crossing in which you live in some fucked-up town full of BABY BEARS!!! Rhino tearfully says that "Yoshi Touch And Go" is about how Tajiri loves 'em and leaves 'em, but I dunno!!! You can even get a Crayola out and draw on this piece of crap! Simon Diamond likes to play Mark Madden Football and write a bunch of X's and O's all over, but David Young always fumbles the ball and drives him to drink!!! HMM, YES, YOU SHOULD BE "THINKING" OF BUYING THIS! Would make a great stocking stuffer for Jeff Hardy! If you can get him to take his stockings off of his arms.

Oh, if Konnan leaves me negative feedback about this item, you should ignore it. He keeps e-mailing me and typing "WHERE MY NINTENDOGS AT WHERE THEY AT?????" in all-caps, but I already mailed that purchase to him months ago and I'm pretty sure he's just pissed off because they chewed up his throwin' shoes.

Grand Theft Limo: Saginaw City Stories!

This is a follow-up to all the other best-selling games in this series that Jeff Jarrett plays on his SpaceStation 2! This time, you take on the role of Shane Douglas, the protagonist, who is tasked with opening a Cluckin' Bell franchise in Saginaw, Michigan! But Shane's mind is clouded by opium and underaged Thai prostitutes, severely impairing his sense of location! AND THEREIN LIES THE RUB!!! The only way to determine what city you are in is to yell "SAGINAAAAW, MICHIGAN!" at the top of your lungs and then gauge the crowd's reaction!!! Travel across the country in any number of sexy, stolen limousines! Utilize the "Hot Coffee" mod to spill scalding liquid on your genitals for the purposes of perverse pleasure, thereby restoring your health meter! You know you're just DYIN' to play this! And this version is portable, so you can take it to all your favorite seedy bathhouses! STICK THIS IN YOUR SACK AND SMOKE IT, SANTA!!! Ho ho ho? More like "Ooh hoo hoo"!!!

Impact Discs!

HEY WOW these have all your favorite entrance music from TNA on 'em! Jimmy Hart composed most of these songs apparently because he is addicted to crackin' corn and Samoa Joe does not care. TRACKLIST!!!

1. Shark Boy's Theme
2. Samoa Joe's Theme Which Is Exactly The Same As Shark Boy's Theme
3. What The Fuck Is This?
4. Dogs Barking Jingle Bells (Funeral Dirge For Kevin Nash)
5. Tootlin' Triple X Music
6. Let's Conjugate Verbs! (AJ Styles' theme)
7. Monty Brown Reads From The Encyclopedia Britannica
8. Calling All Space Sluts (Jeff Jarrett's theme)
9. The Kazoo Stylings Of Christian Cage
10. Always After Me Snakey Charms (Sonjay Dutt's theme)
11. Extended Xylophone Solo
12. Sound Effects From Pong (Diamonds In The Rough theme)
13. You Say Topato, I Say To-pah-to (AMW's theme)
14. Howler Monkey Noises
15. Raven's Spoken-Word Performance Piece About Corruption At Showbiz Pizza
16. Spooky Halloween Sound Effects From A $2.99 K-Mart Cassette Tape
17. Tootlin' Triple X Music Unplugged
18. TURN THAT THE HELL OFF! (Abyss' theme)

Invisible Camera!

WOW!!! THIS ITEM IS INVISIBLE!!! WHERE DID IT GO, I DUNNO! The latest in Space Invader cloaking technology allows this camera to foil all those who attempt to L@@K at it! Buy it today and be like celebrity endorsers MNM! You might remember them from such Hollywood blockbusters as "@Lx Shelley Sneaks Into Titan Towers And Gets Tackled By Security" and "@Lx Shelley Forgets To Take The Lens Cap Off And Falls Down The Stairs" and "@Lx Shelley Hides A Spycam In Melina's Toilet." WAITAMINNUT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE HOMOSEXUAL STRIKE THAT AND REPLACE IT WITH JOHNNY NITRO!!! *loosens imaginary tie*

@nyw@y, this camera is good for taking pictures of your fat family at Christmastime although they are so fat that they will probably not fit into one photo so you will have to take like three or four and tape them together! EAT LESS FOOD. You should take this to church *Steeple* on Christmas morn because one of these days Jesus is going to come back and bust out his fly kung-fu moves all like "HWAAAAAA!" and you better believe I'm gonna get that on tape. So give me money for this good and/or service or you're gonna have no proof when you relate the story of Our Lord's triple roundhouse monkey kick and your friends will be like "YEAH RIGHT TELL ME ANOTHER TALL TALE PAUL BUNYAN."

Final Fantasy III!

CHRIS SABIN IS IN THIS SO DON'T BUY IT!!! WAIT, I want money, so go ahead and buy it anyway. Just leave Sabin warming the bench on the airship and take Mog or somebody. I guess he looks kind of like a Baby Bear if you squint hard enough. Plus he has those awesome dance moves! Unh-unh, get funk@y! SHAKE IT, BUT DON'T BREAK IT, 'CAUSE IT TOOK SOME MOOGLES NINE MONTHS TO MAKE IT. You break it, you buy it.

Bishoujo Games!

CHRISTIAN CAGE CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THESE!!! I hear he wears a belt buckle made of mistletoe and goes around propositioning twelve-year old Japanese schoolgirls! MISTLETOE??? MORE LIKE CAMELTOE! SOMEONE ALERT MUHAMMAD HASSAN! Haha, not really. Just yankin' your chain, there, Abyss! *imaginary tug-of-war* THESE THINGS ARE SELLING LIKE HOTCAKES AT MCDONALD'S WHERE SHOCKER TAKES OFF HIS BIG MEXICAN MASK TO ENJOY THE HEARTY TASTE OF A MCGRIDDLES. Why is that plural????? Oh, because you have to get a second one for the monkey. Gotcha. *draws the Golden Arches*

I-Pod Video

I-POD, YOU POD, WE ALL POD FOR I-POD! Is this a great deal, you ask? Does the Pope shit in the woods??? Is a baby bear Catholic??? I honestly don't know, I'm asking you. I tried to ask Christopher Daniels, but he just got all offended.

I don't even know what this does, to tell you the Ron "The Truth" Killings. The commercials seem to indicate that it offers you a direct link to Boner from U2. I liked him better on Growing Pains, but whatever! He is Irish like Simon Diamond so he probably sits around thinking deep thoughts about the sad plight of the miniature whooping crane! Sometimes music comes out of this piece of crap so maybe there is a little Petey Williams-sized individual in there with a tuba and when you flick a switch and shout "PLAY ME A CHEERFUL DITTY, MY FINE FELLOW!" he tips his hat and obeys your every whim because he is just pleased as punch to make your acquaintance!!! OH YEAH, I just remembered that these things sometimes have scary commercials with a bunch of black silhouette men dancing around! I think that's what Monty Brown would l@@k like NAKED!!!!!

Amazon.com Customer Reviews!

2 out of 97 people found the following review helpful.

LMiles469: "Come on! Finish placing your order! *whip noises*"

Super Mario Matt Strikers

Take on the role of a horrible teacher who hates children in this remarkably realistic simulation! Perfect your fake whooping cough so you can get out of work and go grope sweaty men all day! Make headlines! Two of them! Choose from hundreds of pairs of panties with asinine things like lunchboxes and protractors on them! Speaking of which, Hardcore Holly is pro-tractors! Try to teach him a thing or two about the concept of a "ladder" and watch him beat the fuck out of you! Rip off all Maven's shit, because look where that got him! Hit Shelton Benjamin with a Schoolhouse Rock and roll him! Do an Ultimate Warrior impersonation on an online show nobody watches and then publicly apologize the next day like a big fat pussy! Fun for Heat fans of all ages!

Wait, I'm being told this game is actually about... soccer? Because there's nothing American audiences love more than... soccer. Huh. Okay. Shit. Maybe I can get AJ to buy a copy. I hope Mario does not knock my shell off and kick it at me!

Theodore R. Uxpin

I know bears, and this bear is A+++++ 100%!!! He's one of those black bears that you've been hearing about on the news, and he's sick and tired of "The Man" holding him down via zoos and whatnot! His heart is as black as the blood in his veins! Insert a tape into his chest cavity and watch him eat it like so much fried chicken! All while spouting sassy catchphrases such as "You want a ghetto blaster, ask yo' mama to turn some more tricks!" and "I ain't playin' no Kidz Bop, little cracka!" and "Larry Zbyszko doesn't care about black people." He knows some great stories, too! Including, but not limited to: "What White People Need Are Less Malls And More Mauls", "Take It Off! Take Off That Robe! Mmm-mmm-mmm!", "Crack-Cocaine Was Introduced Into Urban Neighborhoods To Destroy The Black Man", and "Fuck Tha Po-lice."

BONUS!!! Act now and receive a free pair of panties that may or may not have a gun on them! Great for Kwanzaa! But remember, black folks! Grab those wallets, because you can't loot online stores! L@@T! *Black Power gesture*

Hater Demons sold separately.

Mike Tenay, satisfied customer: "Built so stocky! Uh! You can't top him!"

Hooray for capitalism! Capital A's, to be precise! SO BUY NOW BUY BUY BUY BEFORE THE SPACE INVADERS CONQUER THE GALAXY AND YOUR EARTH MONIES ARE NO GOOD TO ME!!!