My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!

-You should see Theodore Long when he goes to the Dollar General. Like a kid in a candy store.

-Few people know this, but Ivory once won a gold medal with a Purple Frickin' Scarf.

-I'm told that JBL's favorite faggy makeover show is "Black Eye For The Black Guy."

-Droz recently tried to debate Muhammad Hassan, but he didn't have a leg to stand on.

-Maven's closest friends are planning an intervention in the hopes that he'll put some fucking pants on.

-Sources say that Kidman's wrestling style has undergone radical changes during his rehabilitation. He's a very unorthodox Jew.

-Some sad news to report from this week's Smackdown taping, as John Cena's hypnobelt caused forty-three Japanese children to suffer epileptic seizures.

-With Akio out of the country, evil scarecrows have usurped control of the entire state of Georgia. Citizens are advised to steer clear.

-The boys in the back tell me that Batista's arms are full of delicious gummi worms.

-Michael Cole's favorite "Highlights For Children" feature has always been Goofus & Galliant.

-Shannon Moore's next gimmick will be that of a young man in a sailor suit with a giant lolly.

-Ric Flair plans to celebrate Valentine's Day by having several heart attacks.

HEY LOSARS!!! Your old pal Test here. I got alot of free time ever since I was fir... uh, retired. Yeah, I won the Canadian lottary. You gotta be in it to win it, baby, that's Test's moddo. So I thought I'd help you, John Q. Pubic, by writing some COLUMNS!!! Like the hit PUZZLE GAME!!! SHIT YES! It's like Tetris, but without all that fuckin' Commie music. Anways, put on your specticles (RHYMES WITH TESTICLES) and "bone up" (HEH HEH HEH) on:

As you probaly know, Valintine's Day is write around the corner like some nogoodnik waiting to hit you in the face with a sledgehammer and steal your feeance and then you have to wear some bogus facemask and your SEXINESS DECREASES!!! This is teh time of year when every red-blooded Un-American's thoughts turn to love and Abruham Lincon and that fuckin' baby in the diaper that tries to shoot you with arrows and shit. Weird. Knowing you (AND I DO!!!!), you're probly some fat, sweaty dude who takes his grandpa to the prom or whatever, because this sight is visited by neither A) WOMEN nor B) THIN PEOPLE. Luckily, I (TEST) have more babes than I can shake my dick at, so I might be pursuaded to pass along some tips if the price is right (BEAVER NICKEL.) I'm what you call a "bossa nova." Like on my CASIO KEYBOARD! Fuck yeah. Christian once offered to teach me "Chopsticks," but I ain't into that gook shit.

Anyhow, the key to getting chicks is being me (TEST.) BUT YOU ARE NOT TEST AND THEREIN LIES THE PROBLEM!!!!!! Unless I got bored and came back to read this myself. If so, hello, Test! Your looking dapper today!!!! Just to be safe, let's take the TEST TEST!!!!!!!!!! Look in the mirror. Are you Test? If not, that's okay. Nobody's perfect. You can still BE LIKE TEST and GET THE HONEYZZZZZ if you BUY LEATHER PANTS and follow these SIMPEL RULES.

1. Women like romance (FUCKIN' ROMANS) because they're gay. Resite some of those words that rhyme. No, not rap lyrics, the other ones. Poatrey. I personally reccomend anything about the fine peopel of Nantucket. I think that's the birthplace of that William Shakesbeard guy or some shit. He was a pirate, and lemme tell you, he got all sorts of ass.

1-A. THAT REMINDS ME!!!! If at all posible, be a pirate.

2. Use music to SET THE MOOD so it will be ABOUT TO CHANGE. Don't use anything other than MOTLEY CRÜE!!!!! or you will turn instantly gay. CHICKS DIG THE CRÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜEEEEE OOMLAUT OOMLAUT OOMLAUT. Just look at Tommy Lee. Specificlly: his Lance Storm-sized wiener. Lord knows I have. HOW DO YOU BASKSPACE ON THIS FUCKIN' THING?!?!!?!

3. Consult a LOVE TESTING MACHINE to deturmine weather you are a COLD FISH or HOT STUFF or SOMEWHERE IN BEWTEEN. Do not confuse a LOVE TESTING MACHINE with TEST, A LOVE MACHINE. I'll be all like "Hey, baby!!!! If you give me a quarter, I'll let you grab this handel!!!!" And then: mace. SEX!!!

4. Kissing is important because that's what you call GETTING TO FIFTH BASE or whatever. We don't play baseball in Canada, faggots. Who do I look like, JOE CARTER?!?!? Hockey yoophamisms are totally hotter. I always get called for "high-sticking," heh heh heh, and then I take a trip to the "penalty box." Also known as "jail." "FIVE MINUTE MAJOR FOR RAPING!!!" they cry, but THE MOUNTIE always bales me out. Anywho, chicks like a good kisser, so practice by Frenching your biseps at least 18 hours per day. Fuckin' Frogs.

5. Offer your Valantine CHOCALATES because women are FAT and EASILY CONFUSED BY FOOD. Just don't get the ones with those nasty centers that taste like ass, dipshit. If you do make such a FO PAWS, suck out the filling with a SILLY STRAW and replace it with LABATT BLUE! God damn right!!!

6. This goes along with number twelve or whatever the fuck that last one was. Get a big bag of those MULTI-COLORED CANDY HEARTS with clever wittisisms like "KEEP ON TRUCKIN'" and "NO FAT CHICKS" written on them. Those things are made my ignorant Australiens, though, so alot of the words may be MISSPELED!!! CAN YOU BELEIVE IT!?!/!/? I like to brake out my JEWLER'S LOOP and painstakingley write my own messages on there with LEAD-BASED PAINT. Romantic stuff like "TEST ROCKS" and "LETS FUCK." Works like a charm.

7. You can make your Valentien's Day card by hand if you're some kind of ART FAG with your SAFETY SCISSORS and SPARKLEY GLUESTICK. "Construcshen paper" may SOUND all manly and make you think of a shirtless William Regal in a hardhat, but it's gay, trust me. Real superstuds like YOURS TRUELY just go down to Hallmark and steal some shit. Whoa, Scott Hall should be calling his fans "HALL MARKS!!!!" I'm totally going to send that to him. Anywhere, I think the last card I grabbed said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANMA" or some shit. This is ideel because it reminds your lady that SHE AIN'T GETTIN' ANY YOUNGER and she'd better get screwin' while the screwin's good.

8. Unionize. Threaten to strike unless you get some of that sweet lovin'. It also helps to think up some sort of clever ackronym. Like the AGRO-CRAG on GUTS!!!!!! OH SHIT YES!!! THAT SHOW GETS ME PUMPED!!!!! American Gladiaters, too! Although I'd have called it "Un-American Gladiaters." Dude, did you see that one where Gemini hit some chump with this big fuckin' Q-Tip? Bitchin'. Oh yeah, your agronymph. I'd go with something like the Union of People You Oughta Have Sex With, Son! U.P.Y.O.H.S.W.S! for short. But only use that one if your trying to have sex with you're son. Hey, I'm not gonna judge you, man.

9. Babes crave a HOT BOD, if those commershials that used to air 87 times during RAW are any indicashun. WHOA, I was a SPOKESMAN for that shit! Recovered memory. Anywhy, do a fuckin' buttload of jumping jacks every day. This will make you NIMBLE and allow you to JUMP OVER ANY CANDLE STICKS THAT MAY BLOCK YOUR PATH. You'll also get a six-pack, which the chicks are into. Espeshially if you slip some roofies in there. For further informashen, consult Bob Holly and/or Billy Gunn.

10. Having folowed rules one through... twenty-seven, you're now ready to knock BIG BOOTS!!!! But always rememember TEST'S SUPREAM LAW OF HAVING THE SEXY SEX: Wear a SPANDEX CONDOM. I CAN NOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. You don't want your sperms to step through that curtain, because babies are stupid. And ugly. It'll either turn out to be a vibrating hand via some sort of horable birth defect, or a pudgy black dude in a chest protecter will kill it. Fuckin' Europeans. Wrapping your jimmy will also protect you from bogus STDs like diarrea and Hermes, the Greek God of milky discharge. Fortunatley, I never get any of those, as I am IMMUNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unless "STD" stands for "SEXY TEST DISEASE," in which case, I got it bad, ladies! And, much like your legs, I fear it is spreading! Doctor Test perscribes an injectshawn!

And their you have TEST'S TEN CUMMANDMENTS HAHAHAHA gross. A baker's dozen. I'd better not catch you douting teh Holy Gospal of Test, either. Who are you to questoin the God of Love, chubs? Were YOU almost married to Stepanie McMan-Helmsley-Levesquah???

HOLY SHIT!!! Maybe I shouldn't go around bragging about that. Realy dodged a bullet there. Still, how many of yuo queers have dated STACEY KEIEBEALERER?????

BESIDES HIM!

SON OF A BITCH STOP 1-UPPING ME WITH YOUR INTRANET PHOTOGRAPHS LIKE SOME SORT OF MARIO BROTHER!!!!! I'LL SHOW YOU A THING OR TWO BUDDY BOY!!!!!!! THE TABELS HAVE TURNED!!!!!!

God damn it.