My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!
-It's a little known fact that Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman modeled their current relationship after the classic NES game "A Boy and His Blob".
-With the WWE's new policy of Getting F's Out, it is now illegal to call Michael Cole a "fag".
-"Queer" still works, right? Okay, good.
-They say that Lance Storm just can't consider it a good day until he's killed a few Chinamen.
-Why did that bridge in Oklahoma collapse? Two words: JimRoss HasABigFatAss.
-THIS JUST IN! Planet Stasiak is from ANOTHER DIMENSHAWN. He also has a brain in his stomach. Probably.
-Due to the overwhelming (huh) success (heh) of Stasiak's persona, Hulk Hogan has decided to be repackaged as "Planet Hollywood".
-The gimmick will entail Hogan possessing numerous useless items from popular culture, like George Clooney's gross nipplesuit from that Batman movie or Fonzie's snotrag or whatever.
-The Rock thought it would be great fun to enter a pie eating contest, but he ended up sorely disappointed.
-Jamie Noble's dating Nidia now? Methinks somebody forgot to cut eyeholes in the Jung Dragons mask! Ha ha! Am I right, folks? Am I right???
-Raven keeps asking "Just" Joe if he knows any good No Mercy CAWs, CAWs, CAWs!
-I deserve death.
If there's one thing I excel at, it's never having new ideas. With that in mind, I dredge up the same gimmick I used 5 months ago to present: JtF Tournament of Champions. Marvel as 16 wrestling personalities and broke-ass celebrities and guys I don't like from commercials vie for the wrestling world's most elite prize: this picture of an anti-gravity trophy.
So if you're a fan of hypothetical fake fights, this is surely the... thing... for you. And I'm not talking "fake" like on RAW. Even faker. This is the only official source for poorly executed tables and images that do not match. Over the course of the next four "Just" the Facts, we will determine who is LORD AND MASTER of retarded pretend matches that I arbitrarily make up! I'm being proactive!
(Note: The next four "Just" the Facts will probably not be completed until the year 2076 when we all have robot bodies and the national anthem of Earth is that "Domo Arigato" song.)
| Competitor: |  |
 |
| Name: | Rob Van Dam | Rob Van Winkle |
| Current Occupation: | Professional Wrestler | Professional Wigger |
| Secondary Occupation: | 7-11 Spokesperson | 7-11 Janitor |
| Favorite Quote: | "*glassy stare*" | "Yo, where be da plunga up in dis piece, son?" |
| Signature Match: | The one that lights up his BIG FAT JOINT | FOX's Celebrity Boxing |
| Prefers Pajamas With: | Footies | The little trapdoor in the rump |
| Hilarious Homophones: | Nobody gets higher | Nobody will hire |
| THE DRUGZ?: | SMOKES THE MARY JANE | Once ate a Flintstones' chewable during a showing of "Spiderman" |
| Numerology: | 5-Star Frog Splash | Sold approximately 5 CDs |
| Numerology #2: | 4:20 4-LYFE | $4.20 PER HOUR |
| Stole: | Eddie Guerrero's Frog Splash | The beat to that one song that goes "Dun dun dun dudda duhn-dun" |
| Favorite Dance: | Jitterbug | Flopping around pathetically |
| Favorite Activity: | Pointing | Weeping |
Final Analysis: OH THANK HEAVEN. It's obvious that this fight would occur down at the local 7-11. Ice would be chillin' like a villain all up in the back room after a hard day of scrubbing toilets, when RVD struts in trying to push his Slurpee cup and steal peoples' girlfriends and whatnot. Rob would proceed to beat the shit out of Vanilla because everyone who comes across him does that. Who'd he lose that boxing match to, Todd Bridges? Jesus.
Our competitors stage a wacky supermarket fight like the one between Booker T and -TERMINATED-. RVD thrashes his opponent soundly with a pair of nunchaku made from those wieners Goldust likes. But remember that Vanilla Ice has friends in high places. Remember when he was in the second Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie? Remember? REMEMBER???
As such, that totally gnarly dude Michaelangelo bursts onto the scene to protest the nunchaku-related gimmick infringement. He says some radical buzzwords from the late 80's/early 90's like "cowabunga" and "skateboard" and "recession". RVD 5-Star Frog Splashes all the turtles because amphibians are superior to reptiles and also because goddamn do I hate the turtles. Assured of victory, Van Dam begins pointing/toking in celebration. But there is one last foe who has gone overlooked!
"YOOUU KNOOOOOWWWW..." a voice drones. Kevin Nash eventually lopes onto the scene, reprising his most famous role! Super Shredder struggles to pick RVD up and very lazily powerbomb him into a stack of jabby Slurpee straws. The day is won. Van Winkle and Nash and the turtles all celebrate by dancing and singing the Ninja Rap and it just sucks.
Winnar: Rob Van Winkle
| Competitor: |  |
 |
| Name: | Hardcore Holly | That Verizon Asshole |
| Catchphrase: | "How you like me now?" | "Can you hear me now?" |
| "GOOD."?: | Yes | Fuck no |
| Hairstyle: | Balding | Faggy |
| Weight: | 42,950 LBS | Fag Weight |
| Height: | 70 FEET | The height that is traditionally preferred by those possessed of homosexual tendencies |
| Resembles: | A horse | Eddie the Echo |
| Finishing Maneuver: | Alabama Slam. Jam. Something. | Limp-wristedly throws a cellphone at you |
| Biggest Embarrassment: | Crash | Can't get the antenna up, if you know whut I'm sayin' |
| Favorite Possession: | Little Sparky Plugg car | Dudley glasses |
| Teaches: | Tough Enough II contestants | The whole world to hate |
| Secretly Likes: | Hawk | Bestiality |
| Secret Shame: | Plans to see that "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" bullshit | Isn't actually talking to anyone on that phone |
Final Analysis: Man, he does look exactly like Eddie the Echo. Maybe I should have paired them off to determine who's more annoying. Regardless, I believe that this DREAM MATCH would come about by accident. Verizon Asshole mistakenly calls up Hardcore Holly's NASCAR-themed cellular phone to ask if he can, in fact, hear him now. As is his wont, Bob only replies with a string of random expletives. This leads Verizon Asshole to believe that perhaps this fine Southern gentleman cannot hear him after all. And that is not good.
Upon proceeding to Mobile(HOME), Alabama to investigate, V.A. finds Mr. Holly admiring his collection of rusty cars on cinderblocks. Enraged at having his reverie disturbed by some fruity college boy, Hardcore employs a trick that the Big Show taught him many moons ago. He picks up several dozen cars and chucks them Donkey Kong-style at Verizon Asshole. V.A. tries to dial 911, but the dispatcher CAN'T HEAR HIM NOW BECAUSE HE IS DEAD HA HA HA booyah.
Winnar: Hardcore Holly
| Competitor: |  |
 |
| Name: | Reverend D-Von | The CAP Alert dude |
| Kills... Mice?: | I guess | Probably |
| Mouse-Prufe???: | Apparently | No |
| Wants To: | Molest children | Also molest children |
| Helps Us Find: | Jesus | Missing children (to molest) |
| Used To: | Get the tables | Molest the tables |
| Sleeves: | No | Yes |
| Accepts Donations To: | Give Mr. McMahon | Watch movies. Cheap fucker. |
| Keeps Donations In: | A big ol' box | Large sacks comically painted with dollar signs |
| Associate: | Deacon Bautista | A magical old man who lives in the clouds |
| Crotch Hits: | Leave that thang alone. | Yes |
| HAR-RY POT-TER *CLAP, CLAP, CLAP-CLAP-CLAP*: | Bought a Roarin' Snorin' Norbert | OFFENSE TO GOD, WITCHCRAFT, SAUCY HAIRCUT, BRITISH PEOPLE |
| WHERE'S MY PIZZA? *CLAP, CLAP, CLAP-CLAP-CLAP*: | Over there on the counter | UNHOLY USE OF PEPPERONI! ALSO, CANADIAN BACON IS SATAN'S BACON |
| Biggest Misconception: | White people crazy! Damn, they crazy! | Thinks ABC's "The Practice" is about witches and shit |
| Refuses To Eat: | Deviled eggs | Booberry (MARSHMALLOW TERROR PERILS!!!) |
Final Analysis: This contest would start with CAP Alert Dude telling D-Von and his colleague all about their various horrible sins to throw them off their game. From Bautista's MASSIVE TATOOS to Dudley's SATANIC TOOTHGAP and OVERALL BLACKNESS, no perversion is left un-bitched about. But when D-Von starts rummaging through CAP Dude's vestments for Pope-Tokens or whatever those people use for currency, all hell breaks loose. "INAPPROPRIATE TOUCH!" the CAPtain shouts. "FIVE YARD PENALTY, FIRST DOWN!" He gives Bautista the bum's rush, but backs down when the Deacon threatens him with ACTION VIOLENCE and a BULLY ATTACK.
Just as the WWE superstars are about to go in for the kill, something goes awry! CAP's tag-team partner Jack Chick leaps out from behind a burning bush and smites his foes with one of those big-ass Moses tablets! Chick says "HAW! HAW!" while CAP dances his celebratory Jesus dance, which involves a surprising number of pelvic thrusts. Survey Sez: One more for the God guys.
Winnar: The CAP Alert Dude
| Competitor: |  |
 |
| Name: | Bob Ross | Jim Ross |
| ...Stundens: | Three | Zero |
| Creepily Ogling Debra?: | No | Yes |
| Hairstyle: | Scary white man afro | Hat hair |
| Mixes: | Paint | Metaphors |
| Is An Expert On: | Brush strokes | Actual strokes |
| Dead?: | Yes | Don't I wish |
| Feels Betrayed By: | That lothario Salvador Dali. Loves 'em and leaves 'em. | Steve Austin |
| Most Often Mistaken For: | Undercover Brother | A lawn gnome |
| Made Of: | Polyester | Felt |
| Filler: | Yep | Oh yeah |
| This One Is Not Funny Anyway: | Yes | Correct |
| I'm Lazy: | Definitely | Indubitably |
Final Analysis: You might think that Bob Ross' state of living death would give him the unfair advantage in this match, and The Undertaker would agree. But don't overlook J.R.'s own unique attributes, like the, uh... ability to... wear a hat. I envision this fake matchup as an ARTHOUSE BRAWL. Good Ol' B.R. enters with his manager Paul Bearer, 'cause that's how zombies be livin' they life, and proceeds to paint a number of happy little trees and happy little scalded dogs and happy little government mules. In contrast, Jim Ross spastically splashes barbecue sauce all over his canvas and tries to eat it.
You'd assume it would be a no-contest, right? NO!!! You're so goddamned stupid. A certain artistic rival is jealous of Bob Ross' mad landscapin' skillz.
LO! TREACHERY IS AFOOT! A flamboyantly dressed figure springs from the shadows and stabs Bob Ross in the back with a giant, anthropomorphic pencil! He removes his old man hat to reveal...
Winnar: Jim Ross
And so four hungry young athletes advance! Tune in next time for another quartet of pretend fights! I don't even know who's going to be in them! It's just like WCW used to be!
