My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!

-Earlier this week, Vince McMahon did his part to aid the WAR ON TERROR by barring Justin Credible matches from Smackdown.

-Jewish sympathizer McMahon then celebrated Passover by passing over Stevie Richards' contract.

-I don't even think that makes sense, but I'm running with it.

-Scott Hall recently got drunk and started rambling about his 40 ounce pythons. HALLKAMANIA IS RUNNIN' WILD!

-Ric Flair got his "Nature Boy" moniker because you can see his DARK ROOTS UH-UH GIRLFREN' I KNO' U JUST DINNAT!

-This weekend, Tazz plans to celebrate A Very Red Hook Easter by painting roaches in festive colors.

-The Easter Rat always visits good little Red Hook girls and boys to hide his droppings!

-It's one thing to be an animal lover, but I hear Jeff Hardy is taking the concept way, way too far.

-A great photo op this Saturday, as Booker T travels to Pennsylvania to help the Amish RAISE THE ROOF of their new barn!

-The Undertaker secretly loves to wear saucy berets!

-A brawl nearly ensued at an upper-class Chinese restaurant when Kevin Nash complained that his sweet and sour sauce was just... too... SWEEEEET!!!

-It was reported that Hulk Hogan tried to kill The Rock again while the two pals were miniature golfing. "Oh, you!" The Rock was heard to giggle. The pair then boyishly tussled around for half an hour.

You know somethin' dude, many stories similar to that last rumor have been crossing "Just" Joe's radar in recent days. It seems that good-natured, off-the-cuff murder attempts between close chums are on the rise in this day and age. Let's examine some more in a segment I like to call:

• When invited to an advance screening of "The Scorpion King", Hulk Hogan tried to strangle The Rock with a Twizzler. But after the candy broke, everyone had a good laugh!

• Then the friends proceeded to the county fair, where Hogan CRASHED HIS BUMPER CAR INTO THE ROCK'S BUMPER CAR! MAH GAWD, KING, THERE'S A HUMAN BEIN' IN THERE! THE CARNAGE! GET SOME HELP OUT HERE!

• Later, The Rock treated his friend to a leisurely paddleboat ride. This fine outing was marred only by an attempted drowning and several stiff oar-shots to the head. "Oh Hollywood, I love you!" exclaimed the Rock after receiving 28 stitches.

• While in the emergency room, reports state that Hogan tried to suffocate his friend with a pillow. "Hulkie always makes sure I'm nice and comfy!" The Rock went on record as effeminately shouting. "Hug!"

• The duo's next trip was to The Lollipop Shoppe, where Hogan tried to choke The Rock with lollipops.

• To make amends, Hulk Hogan prepared a picnic lunch for his pal. But little did The Rock know that he used NWO POISON OHNO! "It's okay, friend! I think cyanide tastes super!" exclaimed The Rock before spending 8 months in a coma.

• Loyal as ever, Hogan was right by Rock's side when he came to. He then shot his pal with a rifle at point blank range. In the head. Five times. But The Rock only smiled. "Aww, that tickles! Hulk, you're so silly!"

• Rocky was feeling a bit under the weather after having all those bullets removed from his brain, so Hogan treated him to a relaxing evening at home. The friends made popcorn and watched "Suburban Commando" all night. It goes without saying that this was an attempt on The Rock's life.

• "Tea time, brutha!" Hollywood shouted. Then he stabbed The Rock 12 times. No tea was served.

• The Rock was a little messy, what with the hemorrhaging and all, so his best buddy helped him get cleaned up. Hydrochloric acid is a rather untraditional cleansing agent, but it does wonders for the skin. You'd be surprised. Really, you would.

• As Rocky's delicate skin was a tad tender following his bath, his best friend swathed him in soothing gauze. Hogan then placed a call to Brendan Fraser. "Oh my god, little dude, I was just hangin' and bangin' up in my crib when this mummy dude attacked, dude!" Hulk frantically shouted into the phone. "You gotta get over here and show him where the power lies, brutha! Teach this mummy dude a thing or two about the pecking order! GIVE HIM THE STRAP-ATION, DUDE!"

• There wasn't anything better to do, so Hogan choked Rocky with the phone cord for awhile. "Hulk, you crazy cat!" gagged The Rock.

• Brendan Fraser finally burst through the door, armed to the teeth with mummy-battling weaponry. Hogan headed to the kitchen to eat fruit and be cool while Fraser clobbered The Rock with an anti-mummy baseball bat. "Hollywood, let's be best friends forever!" Rocky shouted as action star Brendan Fraser shattered all his ribs.

• Rocky was a little sleepy after his last adventure, so Hogan knew it was time to escort him back to his own home. The pair merrily sang tra-la-la and strolled down the boardwalk, arm-in-arm. At least until Hogan mugged The Rock and left him for dead. "Hulk Hogan, will you marry me?" The Rock cheerfully proposed as he lay motionless in a pool of his own blood. Then Steve Austin came along and dropped Rocky from a car that was suspended 50 feet in the air. Then The Big Show threw the car on him.