My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!

-The WWF plans to team Hennig and Lance to create THE PERFECT STORM HA HA IT IS WITTY BECAUSE THAT WAS A VERY BAD AND UNPOPULAR MOVIE.

-Also, K-Kwik will be brought back and Bobby Duncum Jr. will be exhumed from his cold, cold grave so that we fans may enjoy RAP IS CRAP VERSION TWOPOINTOH.

-Word is that Jeff Jarrett was rehired on the condition that he publicly embarrass himself as much as possible. He will dress like Hillybilly Jim, hit people with tiny plastic banjos, and scream the popular new catchphrase "I'M GONNA COOK ME UP SOME TATERS!".

-Expect the main event picture to get an infusion of fresh, HIV-positive blood when Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley gives birth to glossy photos of Shawn Stasiak.

-Now that the NWO is back, Vincent can return as Virgil! Only even more racist this time! It's rumored that he'll feud with Tajiri over whether it's better to pick cotton or rice.

-In an attempt to shake his reputation as a "shooter", Perry Saturn will wrestle a match on Jakked in which he reads his jobber opponent a bedtime story, tucks him in, and kisses him goodnight.

-Rumor has it that Vince McMahon denied a WWF contract to Horace Hogan because he mistook him for a Harris Brother.

-Main event at Wrestlemania? Six words: Booker T... Scott Hall... First Vomit.

-I guess that was five words and one letter.

-In more token black guy news, Stevie Ray will NOT be a part of the NWO Invashawn. However, Booker T will co-opt his brother's gimmick of hitting people with odor eaters.

-I bet if Kevin Nash asks for some pants that say "AWESOME" down this leg and "AWESOME" down this other leg, they'll be made LIKE THAT. LIKE THAT.

-Scott Steiner's Time Warner contract obligates him to run over 5 more state troopers with his Ford Pickup before he can join the WWF.

I tried to totally cop out once again and throw some anagram-based humor your way, but it didn't pan out all that well. Here's a small sampling of the mildly amusing ones. HANG ONTO YOUR HATS, BECAUSE YOUR SIDES ARE GOING TO MAKE LIKE A BANANA AND SPLIT!

Michael Cole - COMICAL HEEL

Mister Perfect - STRICT PERM FEE

Big Bossman - ASS BOMBINGS, or alternatively, IBM ASS BONG

The Brahma Baby - HAM BABYBREATH

Trish Stratus - STU HART STIRS!!!!

Hahahaha. I find that one entertaining because of the zombie connotation. Shut up. Now I'm going to steal the one Sofa originated, and then we'll move on.

Steve Corino - EROTIC OVENS

I also had planned to put the whole NWO thing IN PERSPECTIVE by reviewing a WCW PPV from back in the day. It didn't turn out to be all that entertaining, but my heart was in the right place. It's clogged with about 20 pounds of cholesterol, but I'm pretty sure it's still in the right place.

If you want to read my boring review of Slamboree '98, go here.

If you don't want to read my boring review of Slamboree '98, go to hell.