My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!
-Since he's basically unemployed, The Godfather has taken to part-time office work. TEMPIN' AIN'T EASY!
-Similar to how The Hurricane was re-hired because the WWF needs more superheroes, Justin Credible will soon be re-hired because the WWF needs more lazy fucking assholes.
-Tazz once got his penis stuck in a gumball machine!
-Nothing sticks to Test except Smucker's raspberry jam. Please don't ask how "Just" Joe knows this.
-If we're speaking in the literal sense, Diamond Dallas Page is officially the dirtiest player in the game.
-Albert just can't get a good night's sleep unless his pillow is stuffed with pubic hairs.
-I've heard that William Regal urinates squid ink at his enemies when threatened.
-Vince McMahon having possession of one of Ric Flair's robes is obviously a sign that VINCE RUSSO HAS RETURNED TO SAVE THE WWF! MAH GAWD MAH GAWD!!!
-My sources say that Russo will also bring "Coach" Kevin Nash into the fold. He will cut lots of wacky promos with Jonathan "Coach" Coachman, and then Coachman will be fired.
-Rumor is that Shawn Stasiak auditioned for membership in Chuck and Billy's Panty Kliq, but he was turned away for being "too butch".
-Hellfire and brimstone are one thing, but Kane draws the line at walking through puddles.
-Although the coffin has long since been removed from the bumper of his car, sometimes The Big Bossman puts The Big Show's dead daddy in the passenger's seat so he can use the carpool lane.
More reader-submitted rumors! Here's some more from newageoutlaws6@hotmail.com.
-Buy J.R.'s BBQ sauce.
-Speaking of sauce, Eddie Guererro can't stay off the stuff.
-Correcting one of the earlier rumors, Road Dogg is not the highest bid for the plate. Instead its good old Jake Roberts. The use is not rumored, it is known. He will divide his cocaine into those cute little lines.
-Tommy Dreamer was happy he finally got to be in a WWF ring. Then he had to help take it down.
-RVD is not the whole show. Frank Stallone is the whole show.
It's unfortunate that I didn't update for like 7 months, so no one will remember what the third rumor is referring to. Now, here are some more rumors from hey_yo89@hotmail.com! Although some of them were identical to newageoutlaws6@hotmail.com's rumors, so maybe they are the same person? Don't ask me! I just work here, FOLKS!
-When asked about his favorite type of vibrator, Stone Cold replied "Pleasure Master 5000" and not the assumed "Pleasure Master 3000".
-Tiger Ali Singh is at home in Toronto recovering from a concussion...what he do? Hit his head while cleaning the house or something?
-Earlier this week, everyone's favorite couple, Chuck Palumbo and Billy Gunn, got into an argument at WWF New York. Rumour has it that, while eating those meatball sandwiches that Billy loves soo much, Chuck accidentally referred to his (Life) Partner as "Shawn", instead of "Billy".
-THIS JUST IN! JR'S BBQ SAUCE IS A SLOBBERKNOCKER! 4 OUT OF 5 FAT OKIES WITH COWBOY HATS AGREE!
-Knock knock
-Who's There?
-Gangrel
-Gangrel who?
-Exactly.
Thanks, folks! I mean, FOLKS!
Since it's a new year and this is column number 20 (A MAGICAL OCCULT NUMBER), I figured I would mix things up a little and try to be funny for a change. Whether I succeeded or not remains to be seen. Regardless, this next segment contains a Pulitzer-prize winning CHEWS UR 0WN ADVENTURE! What a totally original and unique concept! It contains many unneccessary Lord of the Rings references. I will continue making them until next December, and then I will have a whole new batch of references to make for a full year. NEVER GONNA STOP MEEEEE, NEVER GONNA STOP.