My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!
-Despite what Albert keeps telling everyone, there's no such fruit as the "assberry".
-I hear that Kane hooked a pasta IV into his veins so he could finally get a sweet, sweet taste of that Chef Boyardee Big Beefaroni.
-Spike Dudley killed some people once.
-The Rock couldn't build a birdhouse to save his life!!!
-If you could describe William Regal in only two words? Enema enthusiast.
-Injury report: Perry Saturn pinched a nerve in his neck, while Chuck Palumbo pinched an ass in the subway. A male ass, naturally.
-According to Jeff Hardy's "Girltech" diary, he totally has a crush on Michael Cole! omg swear u won't tell ne 1, ok???
-Bob Holly has put the metal plate removed from his robot arm up for auction on eBay. It's rumored that the current high bid is held by Road Dogg, who will use the plate to divide his cocaine into those cute little lines.
-It would seem that, during his time off, Justin Credible has cornered the market on suck! Expect the federal government to break up his monopoly.
-In an attempt to make Lita jealous, Matt Hardy's new girlfriend will have an even larger, more vomit-inducing tattoo!
-The boys in the back are saying that Jonathan Coachman just won't stop talking about his new pair of hot pants.
-Edge has a bad case of "digital love", in that he tried to have sex with the Titantron.
OMG WHAT'S THIS? It would seem that "Just" Joe has divulged some steamy rumors to someone other than me! What a backstabbing whore that "Just" Joe is! And it only took 19 columns for someone to do this!!! So here, in full, are the storiez submitted by alleged "Just" the Facts reader newageoutlaws6@hotmail.com. Thanks, newageoutlaws6@hotmail.com! Now it totally looks like I wrote more content, but I really didn't! Please note that I took some liberties in the wacky punctuation department, because unneccessary exclam!ati!on point!s !make ev!erything! more! !wac!ky!!!!
-Rob Van Dam's birthday isn't December 18!!! It's really January 7.
-Tommy Dreamer to take the place of Stone Cold at Wrestlemania. Stone Cold will be at "Undertaker's Fantasy Wrestling Camp" to brush up on his skills. Expect Dreamer to be pulled, and replaced with some other no name talent that Dreamer always gets passed up for.
-Buy J.R.'s BBQ sauce! Now with 2% less boy sweat.
-Have you ever seen that skit on SNL with the gay guy who holds the dog? He reminds me of J.R.
-Expect the WWF roster cuts to continue. Expect them to cut more talented wrestlers and keep Paul Wight.
-This just in, Buff Bagwell is still unemployed!
-The sailor who gave me the Bagwell rumor was stupid so I took my money back.
-The Rock has been diganosed with a terminal illness. Bad acting!!!
-D'lo's favorite vegetable is Droz.
Hahaha, love that one.
Here I am again, updating wit' a quickness. It's the only way to stay one step ahead of the competition. That Jesus has his finger in all the pies, I tell you what.
So in addition to everything else, here is ANOTHER segment. If anything else, you can't say that The Next Mideon is lazy. Well, I guess you could, and it would be entirely accurate. But don't. C'mon dude, be polite.
Actually, I've got nothing, so here are the lyrics to "The Monkey Rap" from Super Smash Brothers Melee. I guess it was in Donkey Kong 64 as well, but I didn't play that piece of shit. This rap is undoubtedly the finest song ever to grace human ears. You can't argue that fact. You just can't. It's a good thing George Harrison is dead, because whoever wrote The Monkey Rap just embarrasses the fuck out of the Beatles.
HE-HE-HERE WE GOI bow to you, sirs. The last verse is performed by a stereotypical black jazz singer, so it rules even more.
Wait, I think I've got one more segment in me. Let's see if we can make this the most retarded and disjointed column ever. December is a month when I must reach out to religions other than my own, my own of course being the denomination of "lazy". So with Chanukah in front of us, or behind us, or possibly occurring right now, I give you:
