My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!

-Rikishi's favorite pizza topping is piglets!

-D-Lo Brown absolutely will not wear mittens. Period. The end. Of it.

-Of all the Pacman ghosts, Steve Austin's favorite will forever be Inky.

-Contrary to popular belief, Kane does NOT have the skillz to pay the billz!

-While X-Pac may be "quicker than a hiccup", his underpants indicate that he is not quicker than a bowel movement.

-FYI, "Just" Joe acquired X-Pac's underpants in a fair trade. A FAIR TRADE.

-SCANDAL! I don't think the Dudley Boyz really need those glasses to see!!!

-J.R. loves the shorties. And by "shorties", I mean underaged boys.

-I think he must be from... OKLAHOMO!!!! Man, that's golden.

-Expect Triple H to be a small Asian man when he returns. You heard it here first!

-Billy Gunn has got it all, excluding heterosexuality.

-To make this year's Christmas a more patriotic one, Kurt Angle plans to roast several bald eagles.

Now that the leftover Christmas joke is out of the way, it's time to move on to bigger and better things. You know, I almost wrote "A Christmas Carol" parody just so I could cast Tommy Dreamer as Tiny Tim and make jokes about how he would eventually die from all the herniated discs in his back. Thank your deity of choice that I didn't go through with that. In other INSIDER NEWZ, I was going to have this done last Sunday to try and recapture my position as the hardest working man in sports entertainment entertainment, but I kept renting video games all week. Solly.

A couple weeks ago, Lance Storm melted... OUR HEARTS by showing us that he is not too proud to do janitorial work. It occurred to me that other unemployed wrestlers may have also fallen upon hard times. In this segment, we will investigate the hilariously humiliating and emasculating occupations held by former Alliance members.

Steven Richards - Professional Metal Detector Guy: By metal detecting industry standards, Steven has already made a killing. He has found, in descending order of value, a penny, a dirty penny, half a penny, and the WCW Television title. Bonus: They run this commercial here about some fat dude who is all proud of his metal detecting skillz. He brags about the weight he's lost, holds up a diamond ring which he found IN THE GROUND, and says something to the effect of "BOAY, THE LI'L MISSUS SHORE IS GONNA LUV THIS!" What a lucky lady.

Billy Kidman - Short Order Cook: SHORT! Get it? He's short!!! I'm a laff a minute today. I bet he cooks really greasy food, too.

Tommy Dreamer - DEAD: He's dead.

New Jack - Video Game Trainer: ARE YA GAME ENOUGH? I know New Jack wasn't in the Alliance, but I still wanted to make this stupidass joke. Many Apollo G's.

Chavo Guerrero - Graverobber: He's already absconded with several choice items, including Yokozuna's giant panties, Rick Rude's airbrushed panties, and Brian Knobbs' hardcore title.

Raven - Professional Homeless Man: His style of dress and odor are still the same, but Raven lost all the photos of Roddy Piper that were in his closet. Why the fuck are all my jokes based on WCW circa five years ago? Christ.

Mike Awesome - Usher: Just like R & B sensation Usher, except that Awesome is a real usher.

Jesus, this isn't even close to funny. Not even in the ballpark. If funny were Wrigley Field, this column would be in, say, Thailand. In a hole. Under a rock.