My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!

-The Holly family will be hosting their annual Haunted Trailer Park tonight in Mobile, Alabama. If you like inbreds wearing bedsheets, you won't want to miss this!

-Just a reminder: the Hollys will be dressing as GHOSTS. It is NOT a Klan rally. The Klan rally will be held across the street.

-It's rumored that Christian has a collection of Troll dolls! Queer.

-The Rock has publicly stated that he plans to distribute "strudel" to trick-or-treaters. I hope law enforcement officials keep a close eye on this situation.

-I hear tell that Tazz's favorite college football team is the Syracuse Orangemen. BAHAHAHAHAHAH sorry that sucked.

-Gangrel (THE VAMPIRE!) will celebrate Halloween by sitting on the couch in his underwear.

-This just in! He may also read the help-wanted ads if he's feeling particularly randy.

-Steve Austin's watch will soon be shipped to OVW, as J.R. feels that it's TIME for it to shed a few pounds.

-I won't say why D-Von was fired from the Dudleyville Lumber Company, but it involved getting splinters in a very sensitive area.

-The Big Show was going to hand out Halloween candy laced with razor blades as a wacky prank, but he got hungry and ate it himself.

-Droz can't decide if he wants to be a Volkswagon or a schoolbus for Halloween.

-I'd opt for "The Legless Horseman", but hey, that's just me.

As a special service to all my young readers, I've compiled this list of safety precautions to keep you happy and healthy on Satan's favorite holiday. "DO IT FO' THE KIDZ", that's my motto. There's no need to thank me, although I will accept money or foodstuffs. Just no pennies, fuckers.

1. It may be difficult for passing motorists to spot you in the dark. Take a tip from Jeff Hardy and wear bright, fruity clothing.

2. If your costume includes a mask, be sure to cut two large holes for seeing and one large hole for eating your Chef Boyardee Big Beefaroni.

3. In addition to #2, always wear a second mask under the first. You never know when a rival will try to reveal your secret identity.

4. Don't trick-or-treat at DDP's house. He'll probably try to give you a copy of his book or some shit.

5. Always look both ways before crossing a street, or you risk being run over by Rikishi, HHH, or whoever the hell else was involved in that terrible angle.

6. Don't go in the Undertaker's "yard" or you may receive "soupbones" as a Halloween treat. Be sure to spy on his wife, though. She's got a lot of quarters.

7. Beware of older children who will try to steal your candy and throw it in the Detroit River. Alternatively, they may hide it in their pants.

8. Stay away from X-Pac, kids. He's a pedophile.

9. No matter how sad he looks, don't give Mark Henry any of your candy. He's only hurting himself.

10. Tommy Dreamer lives in a cardboard box. To avoid an uncomfortable social situation, don't trick-or-treat there.

11. Jerry Lynn gives the best candy... IF YOU CAN FIND HIM! HAHAHAHAH

12. If you were planning on making the mischief with eggs and toilet paper and such, think again, punk. The Big Bossman will catch you and probably cook you.