My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!

-Some of the boys in the back have had heat with Kanyon ever since the U.S. title was "given" to him. To make things fair, the Big Show was "given" a snack cake, Droz was "given" a skateboard, and Jerry Lynn was "given" his release.

-Lance Storm loves nothing more than to urinate in the swimming pool!

-Before he joined the WWF, D'Lo Brown was making a killing in the pog industry.

-Jacqueline is highly allergic to ostrich meat. It causes her to DIE.

-Dean Malenko has been off TV recently because he is busy saving the president from ninjas. And smugglers.

-Crash Holly was once denied entry into the Squirtle Squad.

-The stories you may have heard about Sho Funaki being from JAPAN are completely untrue! Oh, how do these wacky internet rumors get started???

-Test has a notorious reputation for sleeping with rats. No, actual rats.

-All of The Rock's "designer" shirts are really just made at slave-labor cost by sweaty Korean boys.

-Upon hearing the above rumor, Billy Gunn became very interested in learning more about these sweaty Korean boys.

-Howard Finkel has a collection of sexy, sexy bowties.

-"Just" Joe will be appearing at MECECEWMWCE's semi-annual "Beaver Fever" card in Butte, Montana. He is scheduled to wrestle "Lips" Malone or somebody. Tickets are still available.

Regular readers (heh) of "Just" the Facts will remember that I proposed some ideas for hilarious injury-related storylines way back in installment #6. While I'm glad someone from the World Wrestling Federation is reading this column, they seem to have made an error. They were supposed to give Dean Malenko breast cancer, but a WWF.com article reports that they've given it to Paul Bearer's wife. Please keep trying until you get it right, guys.

In all seriousness, I'm very sorry Paul Bearer's wife has contracted breast cancer. I'm also very sorry she has to be married to Paul Bearer. Lord.

Because that was a nuthin' segment, here's another one. IT'S CRASH TV! RATINGZ! This next segment contains a controversial column for intellectuals. Huh.

Famous "pundit" L. Brent Bozell III has spoken out against the dangers of World Wrestling Federation programming for years. However, I was unconcerned up until this point. I make it a rule to never pay attention to people with four or more names. This is because such people are generally very rich, while I have $2.65 to my name. Such a drastic class conflict makes my uncontrollable rage burn brighter than the fires of Hell. It also makes me perform dangerous wrestling maneuvers on tiny children and cute animals.

According to one source, Mr. Bozell is a lecturer, syndicated columnist, television commentator, debater, publisher, activist, Olympic hero, and pinball wizard. He is also the president and founder of a "media watchdog organization", which is a really retarded term that reminds me of McGruff. But I have discovered that he is much more than all this. I found Mr. Bozell delivering a speech on one of those intellectual channels at 5:00 A.M. The only reason I managed to notice this was because Star Trek: Deep Space Nine had gone to commercial. It was that one about that female Ferengi and how she dresses up like a man to get Quark to like her. You know that one? I hate that one.

Regardless, my encounter with L. Brent Bozell III marked the first time I had ever actually seen him. And I can say, with much certainty, that he kinda looks like that "wacky" orangutan from Planet of the Apes. Sort of. They both have bad teeth and a hair color envied by clowns everywhere.

And therein lies the true terror. This man must be stopped. At any cost.

Wow, I forgot Paul Giamatti was in Big Momma's House. I hate him even more.

Now for some background information. You may also know L. Brent Bozell III as Steven Richards. Don't LOOK INTO HIS EYES! You might turn into a Republican, or an old man, or an old Republican man. (Mr. Bozell's tag-team partner, Senator Joe Lieberman, is not a Republican. However, he is a heinously old man, and he lost the Vice Presidency to another heinously old man who has many Fred Sandford-like heart attacks.) I don't know why Mr. Bozell hates wrestling so much, as he is possessed of the second most perfect name for a WWF superstar (right after "Steroids McSuplex"). L. Brent Bozell is practically a direct combination of B. Brian Blair and "Jumpin" Jim Brunzell. Perhaps he was denied entry into the Killer Bees many years ago and still carries a grudge.

Mr. Bozell is of the opinion that wrestling programs such as "WWF Smackdown(!)" are a bad influence on children. This is partially true, as it's common knowledge that 100% of wrestling fans who don't visit this website are hillbillies and/or mouthbreathers. But government studies have shown that the terrible programs running opposite "Smackdown(!)" also have negative effects on our youth. "Survivor" encourages rat-eating, and "Friends" has increased gayness in teenagers by 700%.

In a column written a few months ago, Mr. Bozell makes reference to a study entitled "The Seamy Squared Circle". I neglected to read it, but that sounds really, really sexy. One "factoid" I did discover is that Mr. Bozell claims wrestlers frequently strike each other with metal garbage cans, folding chairs, and WOODEN SWORDS. I don't think I saw the episodes he is referring to. They must have been totally, totally fucking sweet, though. A good, old school wooden sword beatdown is becoming far too rare these days. I assume he meant to refer to kendo sticks or something, but only heathen ninjas know of such secret terminology.

While he was on my television, L. Brent Bozell III said that if a television network showed skinheads snorting cocaine during the "family hour", people would watch it. I can confirm his, because I was completely devastated when "The Coked-Up Nazi Variety Hour" was cancelled. That was my favorite program, dude.

So in conclusion, Mr. Bozell should be stopped because he looks like that one orangutan. Oh yeah, and because he might hypnotize you with his wholesome powers.

Also, please note that everything contained within this column is either my personal opinion or totally, ludicrously untrue. So please do not sue me for my $2.65, MISTAR LORENZO BRENT BOZELL! And the four (4) people who read this better not rat me out either, goddammit. I will promise to donate the aforementioned money to the PTC, provided it goes toward the purchase of a Big Show "Big All Over" T-Shirt from the WWF Shopzone.