My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!

-X-Pac's so-called "educated feet"? Yeah, they never even graduated high school. BUS-TED!!!

-Triple H is keeping busy by FORECLOSING ON ORPHANAGES. And also by TWIRLING HIS MOUSTACHE.

-Dean Malenko worked as a pool boy over the weekend, but he was was disappointed that he didn't get into any wild sexual encounters.

-Tazz likes to pick other peoples' noses.

-Christian has refused to sign Michael Cole's yearbook. What a bitch!

-This one time, William Regal ate a piece of flypaper because he thought it was a fruit roll-up!

-It's tricky to rock a rhyme. Rhyno found this out... THE HARD WAY.

-Albert thought he had everything he's ever wanted, but he recently realized that he wants a jumpsuit of some sort.

-Tajiri has mastered 74 forms of martial arts, but his favorite will always be Shaq-Fu.

-The Undertaker once KILLED A MAN (with kindness).

-A little bird told me that the Big Show wears size 372 underpants. Then the Big Show ate said bird. =(

-Caught in the act! Steve Austin doesn't even know the difference between a pistil and a stamen! Dumbass.

On July 3rd, 2001 Spike Dudley broke his tiny twig ankle. I did not see this occurrence, as I made the very brave decision to sleep through Smackdown(!). That's probably not even be the right date, either. My hypothesis is that Spike's leg was broken when Buh Buh Ray Dudley sat on it. This is because Spike is very small and Buh Buh Ray is very fat. It's simple science.

While it's all well and good for Spike to hobble around and hit people with crutches, he's going to need some time to recover. And to abide by the rule I just made up, the WWF or ECW or whatever it's called now must have 3 Dudleyz at all times. This situation calls for a SUBSTITUTE DUDLEY.

But which Dudley is worthy? It can't be Big Dick Dudley or That Other Dudley, because eviljonhunt already exposed them as embarrassments. Also, I think Paul Heyman had all the other Dudleyz killed so he wouldn't have to pay them. There can be only one.

(Note: This is actually an artist's conception of some rocks. There are no photos of Schoolboy Dudley available, because everyone on the Internet is a stupid ass. You can find stories about Beetle Bailey and "Cousin" Larry Appleton having sex with the Whammies from Press Your Luck, but not one picture of a modern-day superhero like Schoolboy Dudley. Go to hell, Internet. And because computers don't understand American, here is an obscenity in Morse code. Dot-dot-dash-dot dot-dot-dash dash-dot-dash-dot dash-dot-dash!)

Name: Schoolboy Dudley
Height: 9'7"
Weight: 800 lbs
From: Dudleyville
Favorite Quote: "I LIKE SHORTS"
Finishing Move: Schoolboy
Career Highlights: Made parents LeVon and Mutha Faye proud by being a terrible trainer in Pokemon Gold. Had an Oddish, because ODDISH ROCKS YOUR ASS.

Ehhhh... I think I'll just get out of this joke while the gettin's good. LOOK OVER THERE!