My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!

-I'm told that Raven does, in fact, honk if he's horny.

-While Molly Holly's laugh is certainly infectious, so is her case of genital herpes.

-Chris Benoit recently underwent successful surgery. Someone didn't watch out for falling prices!

-Jonathan Coachman claims to have caught a 50 pound bass, but it got "off da hook". Yeah right, Coach!!!

-It's been theorized that Gangrel (THE VAMPIRE) will not show up on film!!!

-Wait, he's just never allowed on television.

-Eddie Guerrero's anti-drug? Drugs.

-When compared to other tag teams, The Hardy Boyz have a much different definition of "double-teaming".

-Bull Buchanan has a bad habit of licking toilet seats. True story.

-Word on the street is that D-Von Dudley went to Kentucky Fried Chicken once. I am APPALLED that he is helping reinforce such blatant racial stereotypes.

-What next D-Von, collard greens??? HAVE SOME SELF-RESPECT, MAN!

-Kurt Angle is just a big fat cracker.

The pretend people who read this column are always asking me, "Just who IS The Next Mideon? What makes you tick? And why are you so retarded?" So in this segment, your "pal" TNM is going to regale you with a true story: a true story which will prove that I am an inexcusable fuckup whom you should start mocking right now. So gather 'round for the first and probably only installment of THE NEXT MIDEON'S TALES OF RETARDATION (aka TNMTOR aka NOTHING BUT UNFUNNY INSIDE JOKES).

Sometime back in the '80s, Hulk Hogan was involved in an injury angle in which he was sat upon by Earthquake. The announcers constantly played this up like the hospitalized Hogan was on his deathbed and needed YOUR support to SURVIVE AND WRESTLE AGAIN. An address was given.

The Next Mideon wrote Hulk Hogan a get-well letter. Oh yes... Oh yes.

I was rewarded for my compassion some time later with a postcard depicting Hulk Hogan pumping iron. I'm sure it had some inane message on it. Anyway, the postcard went up on a small bulletin board I had, where my retarded friend and I took great pleasure in stabbing poor Hulk with little pushpins. All the goddamn time.

This practice became known as Hogan "injecting his 'roids". There were apparently "good 'roids" and "bad 'roids". These terms inspired a musical number based on the theme song for the hit television show "Cops". It went a little something... like this:

"Bad 'roids,
Bad 'roids,
Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when you take bad 'roids?"

Yeah. In conclusion, Hulk Hogan's postcard was finally thrown away after it had several hundred holes poked in it. My retarded friend and I parted ways after he tried to steal the Sega Genesis game "Road Rash" from a video store by renting it under my name and claiming he was my "brother". Fuck you, Jim Lyons. He also once defaced my Jim Neidhart trading card by making Mr. Neidhart say "Ha! I'm a fagit!". Moron.

The preceding story was true. Names were not changed to protect the innocent, because Jim Lyons is a fag-it.

Run-on sentences 4-evar. As an addendum to this THE NEXT MIDEON TALE OF RETARDATION, I have one of those old Hulk Hogan plush wrestling buddies. Every time my other (yet still retarded) friend comes to visit, he defaces "Hollywood" with permanent marker in a new and exciting way. Here is a list and explanation of the graffiti this famous piece of Americana has acquired, from head to toe:

-Beanie (helpfully labeled "Beanie") drawn on head, propellor included.
-Dudley-style taped glasses drawn in
-Eyes completely blackened/nostrils added/mustache and goatee combo
-Mouth cut open with scissors to reveal stuffing. Items sometime inserted (no penises).
-Word-bubble comments of both "Heh, I'm so old" and "I LIKE BOYS".
-Various comments on chest: "Brother", "A + F", "Reality *checkmark*", "Vis is #1", and "K-Dogg 3-J". While I don't understand most of them, 3-J was a delightful character from "Family Matters".
-"WE ARE LUCHADORES" written on left arm. This stems from a hilarious joke I made during an episode of Nitro, in which I sang "We are Lu-cha-dores" to the tune of "We are Fam-i-ly". I bet you're laughing RIGHT NOW.
-Some sort of liquid spilled on the right arm, labeled "SPIT SPECIMEN".
-One wristband inexplicably has the word "BEAVER" written on it. The other is decorated with the most sorry-ass attempt at drawing the Ministry of Darkness symbol that you'll ever (not) see. Hahaha, it's SO bad.
-World Title belt for some reason marked with words "CEO", "Woman", and "THONG".
-Crotch labeled "SOCKO".
-"I *heart* Robert Benini" (sic) on right thigh, "GAMA!" on left. GAMA was a sign held up during Nitro which made no sense.
-"SURGE" and "CLEAR EYES" atop either boot. Product placement, I guess.
-"THE HO TRAIN" and "DON'T PISS ME OFF!" written on inner heels of both boots. Stupid.
-Hulk's toes are helpfully drawn in on the left foot.
*FLIP TO BACK SIDE*
-Bandana labeled "NEWSIE", because I guess he thought it looked like the hats from that movie. Dumbass. Bandana also labeled "BUFF DADDY"
-Left arm bears Stevie Ray-style ugly scars and the words "BLAME HOLLYWOOD", "Livin' La Vida Homo", and the international symbol for "No Pansy".
-Right arm features "NOT READY TO RUMBLE" and "I *heart* Corky". Corky refers to an in-joke which compares Luigi of Mario Bros. fame to Corky from "Life Goes On", I guess. It's so "in" that I don't know what the hell it means.
-Back of shirt marked with "FLIBU" and "NO LIMIT".
-Back of panties marked "EXCREMENT JUICE" and "Banus" which I guess rhymes with anus.
-Written on thighs are "Eat Cactus, Jack!" which I won't even bother to try and explain, and "REAL MEN WEAR THONGS".
-Left boot labeled "I Blowhard", a tribute Mario Party 3's "Blowhard" level.
-Crescent-shaped blob of ink on bottom of right boot labeled "CANOE".
-Finally, Hulk has his own personal Socko to wear on his hand, created from one of MY goddamn socks. Socko is raising The People's Eyebrow and stating "You're gay, Hollywood".

Truly a piece of history. Just like Dean Malenko, this is what I have to live with.