My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!

-In order to see above the announce table, Tazz has to sit on a stack of Bibles.

-God's *other* son? Billy Gunn! Now you know.

-Jesus always refuses to job. GLASS CEILING!!!!!

-I heard that Al Snow was allowed to drive the Popemobile once, but he crashed it into a Volkswagon.

-Rikishi sort of looks like Buddha, only fatter and hairier.

-Try as he might, Steve Austin can only break 5 or 6 Commandments a day. 8, tops.

-Word on the street is that God really has it in for Eddie Guerrero. Look for some hardcore smiting in the next couple weeks.

-Allah will be autographing 8 x 10 glossy photos of himself on June 23rd. Don't miss out!

-While Christ Jericho can't turn water into wine, he's fairly skilled at turning it into urine.

-In a modern-day recreation of the story of Jonah and the whale, the Big Show swallowed 16 people yesterday.

-If Bob Holly were to change his name to Bob HOLY, he'd probably get into heaven by default! Clever, eh?

-The WWF was contemplating another crucifixion angle with Christ Benoit, but it was scrapped when they found that his arms couldn't stretch the length of the cross.

In an attempt to get into the good graces of that Jesus character, I'm going to lay bare all the sins of an episode of RAW is WAR in this segment. This will illustrate to you that you are FILTHY and should be ASHAMED to watch this. Now let's kick it for God... CAPalert-style.

*******Food for Thought*******

Austin 3:16 - Nay, I do not deserveth this, for lo! I am the WWF champion.
Romulans 47:47 - And said The Rock unto Noah, "It doth not matter what thy name is! The one and only Brahma Bull is going to taketh two of every creature great and small, turneth them sideways, and sticketh them straight up thy candy ass!"
Job 14:19183 - Pinneth me, payeth me.
Corino 938,212 - For he was the biggest piece of trailer park trash walking, and his ass was kicked all over God's green earth.
Stardate 01920.12384 - But wickedness was in his heart and, wielding a chair of the basest steel, he smote his opponent down under the eyes of God and the referee.
TheNextMideon 1010111011010 - Damn, he begattin' it AWN! HAHAHAHAHA... Ahem.
d00deronomy 006 - Jezuz r00lz!!1! he coud kick satanz a$$ and tahts the bottum lien!!!!!!!7

FINDINGS/SCORING:

Wanton Violence/Crime (W):
-(s)Wanton bomb
-crotch hits
-medal thievery
-concealing stolen goods next to genitals
-crotch hits
-stalking
-breaking and entering
-defiling of underwear
-crotch hits
-GOREGOREGORE!!!
-bearhuggery
-crotch hits

Impudence/Hate (I):
-hating of X-Factor
-you ain't gotta look at them like that
-712 uses of the three/four letter word vocabulary (ex. Big/Show)
-191 uses of the most foul of the foul words (Chyna)
-I said you ain't gotta look at them like that
-"God created people so he could watch them go to the bathroom. You're welcome!"

Sex/Homosexuality (S):
-sex
-homosexuality (X-Factor)
-inappropriate touch
-inappropriate hug
-inappropriate crotch grab
-inappropriate gaping mouth kissing
-inappropriate sex
-inappropriate everything
-ring-humping

Drugs/Alcohol (D):
-drinking
-drunkenness
-drunkarding
-imbibing
-inebriation
-intoxication
-boozing
-carousing
-'Road Dogging'

Offense to God (O):
-hellfire and brimstone
-812 uses of God's name in vain
-"MY GAWD! MY GAWD, KING!"
-"Foley is God"
-"K-Kwik is God"
-"God (and D'Lo) crippled Droz"
-"Wrestling is fake... LIKE JESUS!!!1!11!"

Murder/Suicide (M):
-attempted embalming
-gunplay
-foreplay
-horseplay
-cosplay
-Justin Credible match
-resulting suicides