My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!

-Considering who it applies to, the name "Big Boss Man" is very misleading. Take that as you will.

-Steve Austin drank a bottle of Windex last night! He might have died, I don't know.

-Raven doesn't believe in Jesus! His people killed our Lord.

-Has Jim Ross had breast augmentation surgery? All signs point to yes.

-Gangrel drinks BLOOD! OMG!

-Test's orthodontist once had sex with Trish Stratus! Small world!

-Word has it that Crash Holly has ballooned up to 5 pounds. He'll be sent down to Ohio Valley to work off the extra weight.

-Mick Foley is a horrible and violent alcoholic. But yow, what an author!

-Christian has a bachelor's degree in NECROPHILIA. Truly.

-There are currently 214 sexually transmitted diseases known to science. Jeff Hardy only has 159 as of today. Keep reaching for the stars, Jeff!

-It's a miracle! On Tuesday, Darren "Droz" Drozdov rose from his wheelchair and proceeded to walk!!!

-Haha, just kidding. Droz is still crippled.

I've lined up a very special guest columnist this week for segment #2. Because he has nothing better to do now, and because he's probably high, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police present: Grandmaster Sexay.

Mayyyyn, why everybody always gotta be hatin' on me? The Grandmastah gets no respect, just like mah pops! Just 'cuz I had a little bit of the wiz-acky wiz-eed on me ain't no reason to lock me away in SING SING, BLING BLING! These Canadian prisons ain't no good, baby! I gots no room to kick it with my fly moves. Plus, these mo-fos are all eatin' bacon and drivin' horses and all that jive. That's some whack shit, man. I ain't down with this.

I'm one of the biggest, the phattest, the most humbest McJumbest guys the WWF has ever seen! There ain't gonna be no BLING BLING up in the RING RING without the Grandmastah. I gave them fools the best years of my career. Who else is gonna teach Steve Blackman how to be dowwwwwwn with Too Cool? Who else can match the Grandmastah when it comes to reactin' to penis jokes? Who else is gonna marry Scott Taylor? Ain't nobody, that's fo' sho'. Everybody always knew I was dope, but I guess I was just a little TOO DOPE for Vinnie Mac. Well, hell wit' them.

This ain't the last y'all gonna hear of me, bizzatches. This dawg's gonna bust all up outta the pound! I'm gonna use my phat "diggin' a hole" dance and apply it to, like... diggin' a hole. Then the Grandmastah's gonna crawl like a W-O-R-M to freedom, suckas! HAAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAA!

Yeah yeah, this bird's gonna fly down to Memphis, tru dat. Ya'lls can look me up down there, I'll prolly be sellin' insurance or corn dogs or some shit. But, if you don't know me, you ain't mah homie! Peace out.