My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!
-Hardcore Holly likes his women like he likes his coffee: black and underaged! You heard it here first!
-I heard that D-Von Dudley is incredibly homophobic. What a fag!
-Apparently, The Rock starred in some movie about mummies and shit. It's news to me!
-Justin Credible was spotted in a Baskin Robbins ice cream establishment last Thursday. His favorite of the 31 flavors? Ass!
-Paul Heyman prefers to have sex with automobiles.
-I think Rikishi has a weight problem, but try to keep it on the down low.
-William Regal's penis isn't very big at all.
-What did WWF superstar Triple H give his mother this past Mother's Day? Nothing! Triple H is a CALLOUS MONSTER, but you sure didn't hear it from me!
-Grandmaster Sexay ate a bug on a dare! That's nasty, Grandmaster Sexay!
-NEWSFLASH! Bradshaw's contract has just been bought out by an Indonesian sweatshop owner! We'll miss you, buddy.
-K-Kwik wet the bunk one time at summer camp! Haha!
-Breaking news! Droz is still crippled.
In addition, "Just" Joe occasionally divulges to me his brilliant vision for WWF product placement. This process entails the "getting over" of a wrestler who is very bad or whom everyone hates by starring him in a stupid commercial. Here is an idea K-Kwik can use to make the mad Benjamins:
[Cut to scene: Two CHILDREN sitting at a breakfast table with the creepy Nestle's Quik EVIL BUNNY.]
EVIL BUNNY: How about a glass of Nestle's Quik?
VOICE: Did somebody say K-KWIK?
[K-KWIK walks onto set and waves to camera]
CHILD #1: No...
[K-KWIK shoves CHILD #1 violently aside]
K-KWIK: Ain't no time fo' yappin', it's time fo' rappin'! This mah favorite drink, yo!
[K-KWIK takes a gulp of the product and busts some phat moves, glass in hand]
K-KWIK: Drink all yo' milk down like Timmy an' Lassie,
Nestle's Quik makes ya say, "Sweet Sassy MO-lassy!",
Gobble it down an' fill up yo' tank,
K-KWIK takin' this endorsement all th' way t' th' bank!
[K-KWIK attempts a backflip and fails utterly]
K-KWIK: We're gettin' ROWDY! Time to move some product! Drink Nestle's Quik or get yo' hat rack crack!
[5 minute breakdancing scene ensues, followed by K-KWIK macking on CHILDREN'S MOTHER]
K-KWIK: Drink Nestle's Quik, chocolate flava! Also in vanilla fo' th' honkeys, an' strawberry fo' th' homos!
