GRAND THEFT PALUMBO!!
Your mission, if you choose to accept it, and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't after reading all that bullshit, is to clean up your old stomping grounds in Stamford and once again make the WWE a safe place for straight-up G's who just tryin' to earn an honest dolla, you feel me? You must subdue rival street gangs and avoid the long, ropey arm of corrupt law enforcement officials in order to dethrone the villainous Dudley family as kings of the neighborhood. This adventure is going be far more dark and gritty than previous quests because it will contain minorities. I guarantee it! Here is an in-depth look at the various homosexuals and black people who will help you to accomplish this goal.
Note that your gang only has six members this time around. And half of them are already fired. Budget cutbacks. You know how it is. Just pretend it's all a big homage to TNA's innovative six-sided ring.
Codename - You: You are someone special. Never forget that. You are allowed to pick your very own customized name, although it will never be spoken aloud. I recommend "BOOGER."
Specialty: Milking goats
Strengths: Selling out, Being marginally fly for a white guy
Weaknesses: Hemophilia, Pants-wetting
Codename - Tazz: As always, Tazz is your numba one stunnah. Sometimes he's a minister, sometimes he's a stone-cold gangster, and sometimes he's a dashing hero in an orange tuxedo who teaches us to believe in the power of love, but one thing remains constant: Tazz is fourteen centimenters tall. Centimenters are like centimeters, but misspelled. Short jokes are A-OK, but don't call him fat or he'll smash two random words together and pass it off as an insult, there, Snowmobile Socks. It's like a fucking game of Mad Libs. Tazz sent you perfumed love letters every day you were in lockdown. He was also available for conjugal visits.
Specialty: Tying people's shoelaces together
Strengths: Flowery cursive, Burning desire to interview
Weaknesses: Feta cheese, Restaurants without booster seats
Codename - Chuck Palumbo: Born on the mean streets of The Jungle, Chuck compensated for his homosexuality at an early age by learning the blue-collar trade of automotive repair. His only friend was a talking gorilla who taught him to disassemble trannies. Both the car kind and the other kind. As Chuck grew, he acquired a number of tag team partners who only went on to break his heart. So now he rides alone. His heart is an open road to which no speed limit could ever apply. But please don't pull a U-ie. Chuck once checked out Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance from the library, but he didn't bother to read any of the parts about Zen.
Specialty: Trucking/Racing/Mechanicing
Strengths: Picking locks, smoking rocks, sucking cocks
Weaknesses: Garlic, Hair dye
Codename - Hardcore Holly: Hardcore Holly drives a mean machine. He's also a mean, mean man. If you are a jobber, he will stiff you while simultaneously stiffing your mother, if you know what I'm sayin'. If you are a main eventer, he will kick out of your finisher, kick you in the scrotum, kick the referee in the scrotum, and kick your mother in the scrotum. Double H once wrestled as Internet geek "Smarky Plugg", but now he just drives his Winnebago around all angrily, trying to run over squirrels. Any squirrels killed in such a manner are served up at the Nutrition Kitchen, his lone star restaurant. Hardcore Holly is your Mobile Homeboy. Haha, that's the good stuff right there. He will probably be dead by the end of this adventure, because I motherfucking hate him. Oh, and I forgot to mention, he's also a robot. One day, Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar teamed up to break 88% of the bones in Hardcore Holly's body. "We can rebuild him," said the doctor. "We have the technology. We can make him bitter. Fatter. Angrier."
Specialty: Getting cars dropped on him
Strengths: Bussing tables, Grilling cheese
Weaknesses: Dress codes, Not being a bitter old cunt
Codename - Rodney Mack: Rodney Mack has a motherfucking gun on his panties. This means that he could take off his underwear and SHOOT YOU WITH IT. Although Jazz tells me that the brutha be shootin' blanks, HAHAHA, oh no you dinnat, girlfren'!!! Rodney's heart is as black as the blood in his veins, a rare medical condition which can be attributed to having sex with Jazz. He would appreciate it if you would "back" him in the next election for County Treasurer.
Specialty: Ballroom dancing
Strengths: Thugging, Bugging, Mugging, Hugging
Weaknesses: Having sex with Jazz, Keeping the same entrance music
Codename - Jazz: God, I'm so ashamed to be a nerd right now. Jazz should clearly be summoned by BLACK mana. I mean, HELLO! As the first female to be an official member of a CYOA team, Jazz has broken the gender barrier. The times, they are a-changin'. She's just like Jackie Robinson in that she once defeated Chavo Classic. At baseball. As a woman, it is Jazz'z job to do her teammates' laundry and ironing. She must also fix the victuals while maintaining a satisfactory state of barefoot pregnancy. Since Rodney Mack is allegedly firing blanks, Steven Richards will be called upon as a pinch-hit inseminator.
Specialty: Sewing
Strengths: Wearing an apron, Rearing the chilluns
Weaknesses: Voting, Working outside the home
And I wonder why I'm so alone. Anyway, that's your street-smart gang. OR IS IT??? Yes, it is. OR IS IT????????
Codename - Sssssecrets: There are two secret characters who might choose to bang with your particular gang should you play your cards right (Shades of Poker Face). They are like Umaro and Mog in that nobody but Boobermonkeys likes them. Haha, just kidding, I like Umaro. And NOBODY likes Mog. Anyway, find them both and achieve 100% completion to get your name printed in Nintendo Power.
Specialty: No man can say.
Strengths: Evolution is a mystery.
Weaknesses: Don't look at me, fatty.
Now, first thing's first: a hard-ass gang needs a hard-ass name. So pick 'em, Mr. Hard-Ass.
Cracker Factory
The Foppish Bumbershoots
Gay Demolition
Teddy Bear Parade
The Nazi Rapists
Start Again
OR
Back To CYOA
|