HOLY SHIT!
Tazz'z sob story has you more moved than the Big Show's bowels. "I'll do it!" you declare, choking back tears.
Tazz smiles knowingly. "I thought you might say that. So I summoned a little help... from above." As Tazz looks up to the heavens, a pure beam of light is emitted from an unknown source. Angelic music seems to fill the room, quickly turning to the lilting strains of "Gay Orgasm" as The Heartbreak Khristian and his religious strike force rappel from the rafters. Unfortunately, Shawn does not fall to his death like the brother of that guy he hates. "HOWDY, Y'ALL!!!!" HBK exclaims. "Let's introduce ourselves, BOAYS!"
Codename - You: You are a fat, retarded drug addict.
Specialty: Dying
Strengths: Huffing crayons, Hopscotch
Weaknesses: Plumbing, Writing sonnets
Codename - Tazz: Straight outta Red Hook, a crazy muthafucka named Tazz Cube. He's a preacher now for some reason I probably won't bother to explain. Tazz has been there for you through thick and thin, and now it's your turn to help him out. He's the Mr. Bear to your Stephanie Tanner, the molesting priest to your impressionable young altar boy, the Nicholas D. Wolfwood to your creepy cat that always follows Vash around. He's also short.
Specialty: Verbally abusing small white men
Strengths: Commentary, Chokeouts
Weaknesses: Sunlight, Jerry Lawler
Codename - Shawn Michaels: The Heartbreak Kid believes in achieving a higher existence through sex with a lot of men. He thinks Jesus is "#1" and has the oversized foam novelty hand to prove it. Mr. Michaels has trained dozens of young disciples to love both the Lord and sodomy, not necessarily in that order. And now he brings his unique talents to your team because Tazz gave him a roll of Testamints.
Specialty: Not being your boy toy
Strengths: Loving the Lord, Loving the men
Weaknesses: Dressing himself, Not getting crippled
Codename - Sean O'Haire: Sean O'Haire is Satan. I'm not sure why he's helping you, as he hates you and hopes you get polio. I'm willing to bet this arrangement is part of a community service sentence. It was either teach special ed. or help you save the stupid midgets, and Sean fucking hates 'tards.
Specialty: Devouring your internal organs
Strengths: Bartering for souls, Achieving a high score on the arcade classic "Galaga"
Weaknesses: Receiving a push, Telling you things you don't already know
Codename - Batista: Deacon David Batista is exactly like Sean O'Haire, except he was never in WCW so Vince McMahon doesn't hate him. One day, an angel came to Dave and told him to wear a large box around his neck. And so he did. Batista will keep all of your squad's earnings in his holy box until you save up enough to buy Bradshaw a slave or whatever. As a side note, D-Von would have had a starring role in this if I didn't fucking hate the Dudleys. YOU MISSED OUT, BUDDY! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN FEATURED IN A STUPID STORY ON A WEBSITE NO ONE VISITS!!!
Specialty: Getting injured
Strengths: Bacon, Bananas
Weaknesses: Seahorses, Peanut Butter Twix
Codename - Christian: This is a Christian. I established him as being Jesus at one point, but God only knows if I'll stick to that throughout this story. The first time Christian appeared in one of these, I completely fucking forgot about him. So, uh, anyway, Christian loves the Lord. His brother. Edge. He's had bad experiences with midgets, but he's possessed of such a big heart. Don't blaspheme when Christian's within earshot, or thou shalt become so damn unpretty.
Specialty: Wacky glasses
Strengths: Ass cream, Peeps
Weaknesses: Chickenlegs, Frequently crucified
Codename - The Undertaker: The Undertaker was the devil until Sean O'Haire came along. Old and Busted versus New Hotness. Now he just sits in the driveway all day and plays jacks. He's up to twosies. Taker's skills are numerous, but he's a loose cannon. You'll have to see that he and O'Haire stay on the same page. Of their coloring book. Appease him with lots of handshakes.
Specialty: Ruining the WWE
Strengths: Choke submissions, Spitting tobacco
Weaknesses: Shotgun blasts, Craving for brains
Onward, Christian soldiers
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