THE HEIST!!!

There's a lot of exposition to this. SHUT UP AND LIVE WITH IT!

You are the world's greatest criminal mastermind. Kind of like Carmen Sandiego, but with fewer lesbian overtones. You still wear a trenchcoat, though. That's required by law. Remember when somebody raised the briefcase at that WWF pay-per-view? That was YOU. Remember when somebody stole Eddie Guerrero's wallet in WCW? That was YOU. Remember several months before that when Eddie Guerrero got all drunken and crashed his car and punctured all his various lungs and shit? That was Super Calo's fault, actually. But YOU TOLD the LWO not to let the guy drive at night if he refused to remove his sunglasses. Moron.

It's time for the big score... the pinnacle of your career. You've planned a heist to end all others. This one's for all the marbles, some of the Chinese checkers, and one of those little plastic cannons from Risk. Naturally, you can't go it alone for a job of this magnitude. So you have assembled a crack team of the wrestling world's most infamous mercenaries, assassins, and homosexuals. A WRETCHED HIVE OF SCUM AND VILLAINY. Meet your gang, won't you?

   Tazz: This tiny thug from the Red Hook district is your right-hand man. The Red Hook district is like Raven's Bowery, only with more beeping. This roguish character knows everything there is to know about the criminal world. He has to wear a towel over his head to prevent WACKY SECREATS from permeating through his skull and escaping into outer space, where I assume they would damage the ozone layer. Tazz has been with you from the start, and he'll remain by your side to the bitter end. He is the Marty Jannetty to your Shawn Michaels. The Garfunkel to your Simon. The undead, flesh-devouring Siskel to your Ebert. The Elijah Wood to your Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Wait, I don't like that last one at all.

   Joey Numbaz: Yes, that's exactly what Joey Numbaz looks like. I guess he calculates stuff or gives you HOTT TIPZ or something. I don't know, heist movies are always required to have some math nerd computer guy like this. Just play ball with me, I know these things.

   Stereotypical Italian: What seedy tale of criminal wrongdoing would be complete without the stereotypical GOODFELLA? THE WISEGUY? THE MAMALUKE? I think that one guy with Tazz is supposed to be from the Sopranos, but I'm too poor to get HBO. Who do I look like, the fucking Prince of Persia? I can't even watch scrambled wrestling PPVs anymore. Since I can't view some riveting drama about James Gandolfini bitching to his psychiatrist for 17 hours straight, the Pringles guy will be filling in. I think he's Italian, even though he kind of looks like Eddie Guerrero.

   The Panty Pals: Just look at these fine young gentlemen! I hear that photo is by WCW, you know. This gruesome twosome brings their expertise in the fields of explosives and pyrotechnics to your team, because OMG LAMO THEY R BIG FLAMMMERS!!!!

   Kane: Kane is a different breed of flamer. He is the muscle of your gang. I don't know which muscle. Probably one of the ones in the ass.

   The Hardy Boyz: They'll always be Tag Team of the Year to me!!! These cold-hearted brothers are the World Wrestling Federation's foremost authorities on firearms and ballistic weaponry. With a rallying cry of "UHHHHHHH", they can make guns appear OUT OF THIN AIR! But beware, as it's rumored that they're playing for the same team as The Panty Pals. Matt and Jeff are gay in a more spritely way, though. While they pack HEAT, Chuck and Billy prefer to pack fudge. OH HO ZINGER IN THE CORNER POCKET! THE NEXT MIDEON IS RACKING UP THE HUMOR, GOOD SIRS AND MADAMS!

   Sean Bean: I really need to knock it off with the Something Awful-style jokes. Anyway, this is Sean Bean. I really like Sean Bean. He is your team's expert in the areas of stealth and covert operations, because NOBODY KNOWS WHO THE HELL HE IS.

Anyway, your objective is simple: Jack the loot and manage to keep all members of your team of ten alive. The prize? As if you haven't already figured it out, THE GENIUS...

STACKER-2! YELLOW GOLD! Well, I'm hypothesizing that it's yellow, I've never actually seen any before now. I should probably buy some and take it. And I guess I can't call it yellow gold, because real gold is already yellow. Yeah, I know it's technically GOLD, but you wouldn't scream out GOLD GOLD, would you? I hate you.

The World's Most Dangerous Criminals. The World's Strongest Fat Burner. SOMETHING HAD TO GIVE.

See, that would be the tagline if this were a real movie, because Hollywood fucking sucks. I swear to god, you have to go to New Zealand to find a director capable of making a good film, and even then it has to be based on a British guy's book. BOO TO AMERICA! DOWN WITH THE GREAT SATAN!