Here it is. Part 1 of the promised Eviljonhunt81 tape review. It's part one cuz this tape is about 4 hours long. Anyway, enough jibber jabber and on with the thing

This is the Best of Sleazy Japan tape from Scott Mailman. He's got a lot of stuff, and good prices. So, yeah. This whole thing is weird. Anyway, I'm gonna go through this massive tape and rate some of the matches. I use the 5-star system, and am not very bright. I don't just look at workrate, as there is so much more to a match than that. ***** matches are damn good. If you think that I throw stars around too much, then you're probably some stuck up moron that doesn't like wrestling anymore. Anyway, enough jibber jabber and on with the thing (that joke was so good I decided to use it twice).

Match #1: Survival Tobita vs. Mokujin Ken (SPWC 8/23/99)

They certainly know how to start things off. Survival Tobita's theme is awesome. Mokujin Ken is named, and then eerie music plays. There is no ring, just some mats on a high school gym's floor. The crowd starts going ape shit, but you can't see Ken yet. A lot of people wearing ties. Whatever. Finally, he pops out in all his cardboard glory. He keeps waiving his arms around and spinning around, as that is pretty much all the mobility he has. The guy hits the frying pan, and the match begins. To add to the . . . atmosphere, monster battle type music is being played the whole time. Sweet. Ken and Tobita circle each other. Remember, Ken has the strength of 100 men. Ken gets in the first hit and Tobita drops. The ref counts. Oh shit, he's almost at 10. Tobita gets up at the last minute, but Ken punches him again. Tobita is up, and they face off again. FUCKING DUCK THIS TIME TOBITA! AHHH!!! NOOOOOO!!! Tobita goes down for the count. Ken struts off triumpantly. Tobita comes to, and pants out his customary post match speech. If I know Japanese, which I never will, this part probably kicks so much ass. He's escorted off by some cyclops, who I think fights in a match later in the tape.

Every tape should start like this. *****

Match #2: Adachi/Asian Cougar/Masked Falcon vs. Heaven/Extraterrestrial Life/Yoshida (Zipang 7/19/00)

Asian Cougar & Co. come out to the gayest music. Some kick ass, bizarre techno type stuff starts, and the HEELS take their fine time coming to the ring. Well, Heaven and Yoshida do. That hot ref is in this match. I've seen her in some other stuff. Very easy on the eyes. Anyway, Heaven has a cool looking mask and good charisma, but wears the GAYEST shorts. Why try to hide it: he's wearing daisey dukes. Maybe that flies in Japan, but it distracts from his general badassness. Anyway, Also Sprach Zarathustra starts and some other guys from Heaven's stable carry out a stretcher with something on it. They lay it in the ring, then go ahead and introduce everybody. There's like 3 extra guys milling around in there. They're probably trying to hit on the ref. Anyway, they introduce Extraterrestrial Life is introduced, but nothing happens. Heaven pulls the cover off and HOLY SHIT!!! IT'S AN ALIEN!!!! This thing fucking rocks. It starts shaking and stands up, moving all slow and shaking its arms. The crowd keeps going "OHHHHHH!" This is so cool.

Adachi and Yoshida start off, but who cares. I spend more time looking at the ref. They do some decent cruiser stuff, then tag Masked Falcon and Heaven. My God. I can't look at Heaven without laughing at his shorts. They do some stuff, but the money shot is when Heaven ducks a clothesline, and then points at his head. Haha. Masked Falcon then clotheslines him from behind. They both tag in Asian Cougar and Extraterrestrial Life. EL is just shaking and walking all slow and Asian Cougar doesn't know what to do. This is so cool (I also felt that that joke was so good I had to use it twice, despite it's lack of "jokeness").

This reviewing thing sucks. It'd be better if I had some jokes to make or something, but I don't see anything funny about a Japanese man named Heaven wearing coochie cutters and tagging with an alien. Oh well. Adachi has a cool rope walking spot where he goes backwards and jumps up and down and stuff. Adachi and Heaven trade nutshots, jump around holding their crotches, and then kick each other in the nuts at the same time. Heaven is pretty damn good. If he bought some longer pants he could make it big. Asian Cougar is good, too. He and Yoshida go at it. There's the obligatory "everyone take turns diving out of the ring" spot. EL does it too. Heaven dives out third, then stands up and just watches the other guys. Some more stuff happens and then Adachi makes EL submit to some fucked up looking hold. That's the technical name for it.

***1/2 (1/2 for EL)

Match #3: Onryo vs. Doink (WAR 11/9/96)

Weird music plays as a camera "spookily" moves around Onryo backstage. There's writing on the bottom of the screen, but fuck if I know what it means. Doink then promises to bring some life back to Onryo, from the good ole USA. Circustown, USA. I swear, this man does not represent us. In the ring, Doink amuses himself. Some back and forth to start out, which culminates in Doink spanking Onryo. I wonder if Onryo has changed his gimmick from dead man to white trash. Match continues. Nothing much. Doink amuses the hell out of himself. Beat the shit out of him, Onryo. I actually used to like Doink. Remember that one Survivor Series when it was 4 Doinks vs. Bam Bam Bigelow, Bastion Booger and I guess 2 other guys? Then, it turned out to be The Bushwackers and M.O.M. So, yeah. I used to like Doink.

** just because Onryo is a zombie.

I guess that's it for now. 3 matches down, about a zillion to go. Ah well. There is some good stuff coming up. *insert witty clsing line*