My New Year's Resolution would be to stop falling asleep whenever I watch RAW, but I would have already broken it.

BIGGEST News of the Week

So here I was, all set to complain about how little news there was to report on this week, when, just like Jet Jaguar showing up to help Godzilla RIGHT WHEN THINGS LOOKED THEIR BLEAKEST, Sean Waltman and Joanie Lauerer decide to make some sweet, sweet news, the only way they know how. Namely, by acting like complete retards. Thus, I am able to beat the anti-wrestling news monster that those dudes in togas worship back into the ocean, and we can all wear shorts as short as we like.

Enough of that, however, as I have fucking news to spread! Just call me eviljonwrestlingnewspaulrevere81. This was apparently posted on Sean Waltman's website earlier today:

"...Joanie was arrested on January 1st for domestic battery.

She assaulted me struck me in the head and face countless times after getting back from the Playboy Mansion. There were several witnesses to her behavior, including Jeff Meecham from The Extreme Mayhem Show, and unfortunately my two children witnessed and heard all of this.

She was released today once again having to suffer no consequences for her behavior. She showed no remorse."

I can't verify that this is real, as I can't get anything on his website to work, and it doesn't appear to have been updated since July, but another of my sources tells me it was posted on his message board, and not his website. I doubt even Hieronymus Bosch could picture how terrifying a message board comprised of Sean Waltman fans would be, so I was obviously a bit reluctant to check it out for myself. Luckily, I couldn't get the damn thing to load anyway, so it's a moot point.

To reign this thing back in yet again, X-PAC GOT BEAT UP BY CHYNA!!! AHAHAHA!!! Upon visiting the archives, I discovered that, when he last felt like telling the world he was beat up by a girl, he mentioned that he had "placed [his] right foot into her chest & Shoved her back to the ground." Not a kick, by the way, as any kick from his Lightning Feet of Death "would have sent her to the hospital." He further illustrates his ability to protect himself from women, as he explains that he "wrapped her in a rear naked choke (My legs wrapped around her waist)" and successfully held her on the ground until help arrived, or something. The point remains, a year and half ago he was practically bragging about he kicked her ass (in between desperate pleas for her to come back), whereas now she's kicking his ass all around the house straight Riki-O style. No Remorse, motherfuckers! As if that's not embarrassing enough, it had to happen in front of Jeff Meecham! Curious as to who he is? Neither am I, but, as a JOURNALIST I researched it anyway. I guess he's some radio host. And it's actually "Jeff Meacham," not "Meecham." Eh.

Could this all be a ruse just to garner interest in The Surreal Life? Possibly. I wouldn't put anything past these two. However, I'm hoping it's not, and Chyna, in an emotionally unstable state, falls right into the arms of a suprisingly tender and compassionate Mini-me. That, ladies and germs, is television at its finest.

Is that it?

Fuck no that ain't it! My God, has this week been kind, in a wrestling-news related way. I was all worried about having to come up with some filler essay about how having your HEEL write poetry is offensive to all of us poety writers, but not anymore JACK! Let's news it up!

The WWE has standards when in comes to mediocrity, you know!

It seems that, realizing how stupid it is to work for TNA, both Abyss and Simond Diamond (who goes by an even shittier name now, which I can never remember) have asked for their release. Or not. Abyss seems to have asked for a raise, or something, and made it seem as if he will be leaving the company soon, as he's catching the train to Maathon Heidenriski land! "I heard their hiring pasty white boys out East, ma'." Simond (wait, is that "d" supposed to be there? Who knows. Spellcheck was not "eXtreme.") Diamond, on the other hand, apparently wants to be unemployed. Can't say I blame him, either. We both work shitty jobs that are marginally related to the entertainment industry (very streched ZING~!), and not a day goes by that I don't envision myself going out Johnny Paycheck style. Instead, I'll probably end up going out "your job's been replaced by a computer" style.

I guess people have been saying Abyss would be a good addition to the WWE roster for some time now, as he's a huge dude that can actually work. Wait. Seriously? People have been saying that some bland ass guy who's gimmick is a ripoff of two guys from the WWE would be a good fit there? Wait. People have been saying Abyss can work?!?!

If I could be serious for a minute, which will not be easy as I am discussing a fake sport that involves grown men getting half naked and rolling around, TNA is seriously fucked. Abyss is one of, oh, maybe 2 guys in the entire promotion that is taken seriously, and is one of, oh, maybe 2 guys in the main event scene that doesn't have the stigma of "WWE reject" around him. Although his gimmick doesn't help. Regardless, this puts one of the main matches at the PPV on hold (yeah, yeah. I just called Abyss v. Jeff Hardy one of the main matches at the PPV.), fucks up the AWESOME t-shirt they had for him, and it's gonna' look really awkward when they release their toy line in May or June or whenever, and one of the main guys hasn't been around in months. Not as awkward as the fact that the promotion hasn't been around for nearly as long, but awkward, nonetheless.

More McMania News

This appeared on Meltzer's Thursday update:

--WWE just announced that CFO Phil Livingston, who doubled as a member of the Board of Directors, has just left the company. Frank Serpe, who acted as intermin CFO after long-time CFO August Liquori left a few years back, will be back in the spot until they can find a replacement. By the end of the week, there will be other names at the major executive level whose names will become known that have left.

This is one of those things that Meltzer will probably have like a billion words written about in this week's newsletter, going on and on about how this is one more example of how DOOOOOOOOMED the WWE is, only for it to be completely forgotten about in a week or two. By "one of those things," I mean absolutely nothing. I just imagine that he's done this before, as I like to put Meltzer down as a way to make myself seem more impressive. FUCK HIM!!! COME TO ME FOR NEWS!!!

Unless, of course, one of those other names turns out to end in "McMahon," in which case that will be very big news. I doubt that will happen, though. In fact, I'd wager the name ends with "Richards," and the first name rhymes with "TeeVee."

Did I mention that TNA is fucked?

"American Dragon" Brian Danielson vs. X-Pac, or Syxx, probably

I know I said I was gonna' do that insane lucha match from HUSTLE-3, but I figured I would do this instead, in honor of X-Pac getting beat up by a girl. Also, I hadn't watched this yet.

This is from one of those Inoki dojo shows out in L.A. When? I don't know. At least, I think it's the Inoki dojo. Looks more like a garage somewhere. With no lights on. And sounds like it, too. X-Pac is all Jimmy Wang Yu-ed out in his swank karate gi. If only it said "Suck It" on the back. You've already disappointed me, and the match has yet to start.

Match starts with Dragon REFUSING to shake the hand! I guess he's seen the videos, too. Collar-and-elbow tie up results in a clean break, which leads to the obligatory, smarky "clean-break applause." X-Pac scores with a single-leg takedown into a leglock, which Danielson eventually wrestles out of. ACTION!

X-Pac comes back with a headlock to a hammer-lock to a takedown to that thing where you unnecesarrily spin around on the other guy's back to a slap to the back of the head, stands up, steps on the back of Danielson's head into a muthaphuckin crotch chop! That was the coolest thing I've seen X-Pac do in my entire life. Mainly because I hope it results in Dragon tearing the shit out of him.

Dragon gets a takedown now, and here we go! Sort of a weird, half standing STF, ending with a face rake. Eh. I hope that's just a preview of what is to come.

European uppercuts are traded, with Danielson ending up in the corner. X-Pac brings a HUGE chop. Dissapointingly, it was not of the karate variety.

Dragon back on offense, but nothing particularly special. X-Pac comes back with some KARATE kicks, which send Dragon outside. X-Pac runs to the ropes. Oh Shit! Somerault plancha! I did not expect that at all. They both seem to be dead on the other side of the ring, now.

Both men back in, and X-Pac gets a HUGE sitout powerbomb for 2. I do not remember any of his offense looking this nice, ever. I don't remember any of his offense, unless it was called "X-something" or involved his genitals. Dragon fights back with MORE European Uppercuts (it's suddenly become a proper noun), only to EAT MORE FEET for another 2 count.

Dragon now gets an abdominal stretch, and turns it into a double-underhook suplex. 3 count? What the fuck?

After the match, X-Pac is standing around, trying to relive past glory. Oh Shit! That's Chyna jumping up and down and clapping! DID THEY JUST KISS!?!?!? Oh man, this just got painful. Ah, now here's Chad Collyer to ease the pain.

Something Like a Smackdown Spoiler Rebeak

Even more desperate for attention

And for my next piece of stolen news: Antonio Inoki announced today that he wants to book Akebono vs. Brock Lesnar for New Japan’s next show at the Tokyo Dome on 5/14 and he wants those two men to be big pieces of his plan to spread New Japan across the world. Inoki also mentioned Kazuyuki Fujita & Bob Sapp as two other key pieces of the puzzle as he wants to have shows this year across the world, as Inoki thinks that 2005 will be a breakout year for New Japan. Inoki thinks there is a great chance that Lesnar will sign with New Japan after his WWE contract runs out in March. (courtesy KrisZ, and the DVDVR message board)

Jon Hunt announced today that he wants to book his cock vs. both of the Bush daughters' snatches at my next night off of work and he wants these women to be big pieces of his plan to spread his seed throughout the families of very powerful people. Hunt also mentioned John Kerry's one hot daughter and Nikki Hilton as two other pieces of the puzzle as he wants to spread his seed all across the country, as he thinks 2005 will be a breakout year for his cock entering into attractive women from filthy rich families. Hunt thinks there is a very good chance the Buch twins will be all over his nuts after their father's corrupt administration comes tumbling down in March.

As you can see, I believe every word that comes out of Inoki's frighteningly large mouth.

WEEKLY VISITOR ROUND TABLE

This week's question (from JG): How can the WWE remove the title from Bradshaw without it seeming hugely anti-climactic?

Super Asia: This question's phrasing is a little different from how I view the situation. I imagine I'll climax when he does lose the title. At least I would, but there's nobody on the roster I don't hate that's over enough and hasn't lost to him already. Cena's an option, but a worse one than keeping Bradshaw. Besides, since they gave him a new retardo-belt he's gotta have at least another few months as champ, right?

Maybe they can build Orlando Jordan into Orlando Judas. They can do the fishbowl trick again, but this time OJ puts "snakes" on every piece of paper!

Or, they could do a switcheroo and have somebody from RAW win the Royal Robble and demand a shot at the WWE champ instead of the world champ. Really anything, anything other than the Puder Jesus push. Wait, never mind, the Jesus push now involves having one DQ loss before jobbing at your PPV debut in the "color not allowed" match against Cena.

JG: Considering that I suggested this question, I really should have thought of a funny answer by now.

Maybe he could just die. Then they could have a championship tourney. The question, then, is how do we kill him? I suggest it involve the revenge of Farooq. Farooq, as we all know, was sent to the lovely planet Seti Alpha 6 with the rest of the Nation of Domination (who were far too dangerous to leave unmoored) to live in peace. But a catastrophic planetary disaster (perhaps caused by Taker and Heidenreich exploding) changed the climate, and Farooq's wife Jacqueline died. With the best wrestler in the world's corpse in his arms, Farooq swore revenge.

Meanwhile, JBL's longhorn limo has been sent to investigate reports of a still functioning Sega Genesis. John Cena got one for Christmas, but he never even opened it cause he was Nintendo 4 life. Somehow JBL and OJ get stuck on the Genesis planet. It's where Phantasy Star and all those Sonic games were set. JBL screams "ROOOOON!" so loud you can hear him from space. Then he eats all the food in terror.

It all ends up with JBL's limo limping into a gaseous nebula (he ate too much ohohoho) to escape from Farooq's crew in...um...the truck from Sanford and Son. *insert Sanford and Son theme music.* You know what, I may be able to salavge this for another seekrit project. So...let's just say Ron Simmons comes back and kicks Bradshaw's ass. None of us really want that and it won't happen, but on a gutteral level it would be a nice slice of poetic justice for the mutant Ted Dibiase/"Outlaw" Ron Bass hybrid that is JBL.

Damn.

Next Mideon: I think they should grease him up with lard and slowly squeeze the title off of his big fat midsection.

Back-up plan: The triumphant return of Ron Simmons.

Semi-seriously, though, I don't know what the fuck to do. Big Show sucks. Kurt Angle is what I like to call "a cripple," and he hangs out with really shitty guys. You can't go home again with Eddie. I don't think the fans really give a damn about Booker T. The Undertaker is The Undertaker. And Josh Mathews feels that the title is beneath him. I guess what I'd do, and this is going to make me really popular around here, is give it to Cena. Probably too late to set that up for WrestleMania, but you wait a few months, let Bradshaw kill off the rest of the Iraqis, and make sure Cena isn't going to embarrass himself like a certain third-generation army deserter. Then give him the WWE Championship and let him put bumper stickers and shrinky-dinks all over it. What do I care?

JG's going to beat me up now.

ME: IMPOSSIBLE! IM-FUCKING-POSSIBLE! Actually, despite what I wrote last week, I actually like Bradshaw. Well, maybe "like" is too strong of a word, but I don't actively dislike him, which is rare for the WWE, especially when you get close to the main event level. Yes, I am that damn smarky. In fairness, I never liked Bradshaw before he was anywhere close to the main event scene, so I guess this is one of those rare occasions where I've actually been influenced in a way conductive to the WWE's business plan. The only other occasion that comes to mind is when I would light up fatties, but that was mainly to make Godfather tolerable.

Anyway, as is obvious to even the dumbest of WWE fans, which is saying something, getting the belt off of JBL will not be easy. Rumours have Orton or somebody jumping over to Smackdown after the Royal Rumble, which doesn't make any sense either. While that's never stopped the WWE before, I think there best option is to bring in a new challenger. Namely, Chilly Willy. Give him the gimmick of a wounded soldier who's pissed that Bradshaw hates the troops. The Smarks LOVE that shooty stuff (o-ho-ho). Add that to their love of Chilly Willy, and we're talking moolah. By which I mean samalians.

Boobermonkeys:Remove the title from Bradshaw?!!? Why would they do that, EVER? FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS! The real answer is a returning Ron Simmons, running as a pro-masturbation Libertarian in the Nation Of Islam. With Ahmed Johnson and D-Lo as the Bashams. And Sunny as Amy.

P.S. Clarence Mason as the Secretary Of Rape.

SOFA: The title will be removed from Bradshaw via an insidious plot from the Evil Liberal Media, which will involve Jesus being taken away from us at every turn, in our courthouses, our schools, and our Velocities. (HAR HAR) So, I guess the answer is Chris Nowinski. I really didn't think my humorous reply through all that well.

Your Japanese Indy pic of the Week: