BIGGEST FUCKING NEWS IN THE WORLD!!!!

In the spirit of coming up with the most amazing shit in the world, EMLL has announced this weekend that they will have a show today (12/16) where they will RE-ENACT THE BIRTH OF BABY JESUS!!!! FINALLY!!! I have seriously been waiting for years for this day (12/16/2004, apparently) to come! Alan Stone is playing Joseph, Xiomara is Mary, Brazo de Plata Jr. is the Archangel Michael and Sagrado will be Gabriel. Brzao de Plata, Hijo del Gladiador and Tony Rivera play the 3 Wise Men. There's also going to be an "Angels vs Demons" match with Loco Max, Ringo Mendoza, Veneno and Volador Jr. taking on Averno, Damian el Terrible, Mephisto, Pierroth and Satanico. This is probably the best wrestling news, nay, the BEST NEWS I'VE HEARD IN MY LIFE!! Thank you, EMLL, for teaching us all the true spirit of Christmas.

Shit, it's hard for any news to compete with that. ZIPANG announcing a reunion show in my backyard would even have a hard time. Good thing that the rest of the news is either incredibly stupid and/or fake.

Stupid and/or Fake News

It seems that Ric Flair and Mick Foley got into a fight backstage at RAW. The only wrestling book I've ever read is that copy of Chyna's autobiography that I bought for $1, so I can't verify this, but apparently the two of them didn't have anything terribly nice to say about one another in their respective books. Foley has said in interviews that Vince wants to use this to set up an angle for a match at Wrestlemania 21, but he has always refused as he doesn't want to . . . I'm not sure why he's refused. Is he against those "worked shoot" angles, or something? I mean, he seems to have had no problem pretending to be a fucking amnesiac roaming the streets of Cleveland, so why would a feud based on two old dudes not liking each other pose a problem for him? Regardless, he's claimed to refuse to turn this into an angle to set up WM 21, but has no problem to use it to set up a feud against Ricky Steamboat in Ring of Honor. HMMMM. Yeah, I really don't believe that this story is real, and imagine that it is setting up a match for Wrestlemania.

"But why would WWE set up an angle with a fake backstage altercation that wasn't filmed, especially since they claim to not even care what fans on the internet think," you say! AHAHAHA!!! Why the fuck do they do anything they do? I stopped trying to make sense out of WWE some time ago. I mean, hell, this is the company that hired a continuity consultant a few months back, then fired him when he pointed something out that went against the continuity!!! NOTHING THEY FUCKING DO MAKES SENSE!!! I mean, does anybody seriously think that Gene Snitsky deserves a prominent role in a pro-wrestling company? Yet, here he is!

In possibly more real, and therefore even stupider news, tape-bootlegger, bad haircut-haver and rumoured pedophile Rob Feinstein has the following piece on his news page:

Christmas for people you hate, I guess. If you want a nice chuckle, try reading the rest of his news update. He seems to like his grammar the same way he likes his dates. AT A 5TH GRADE LEVEL!!!!!

Oh man, that was bad. At least I didn't FUCKING RECOMMEND BUYING THE CHYNA/X-PAC SEX TAPE FOR CHRISTMAS!!!! Goddam that's fucking gross.

I haven't had a chance to watch any wrestling this week, with the exception of a rather lackluster RAW, so no UFBR. WHAT?!?! Jon doesn't write something he claims he's going to write?!?! SHOCKING!!!

Something Like a Smackdown Spoiler

In Other Spoiler News:

So, this week's WON Newsletter says that, before being let go from the creative team, Paul Heyman recommended that WWE hold an "ECW Reunion PPV" sometime next year and that Bradshaw defend his title against Big Show in a barbed-wire match sometime next year. While that's really not that big of news, apparently Vince has agreed to the ideas!! What the fuck's up with that? I sincerely doubt the ECW PPV will ever happen, as the WWE has supposedly been wanting to move towards a slower, more mat-wrestling oriented style for some time now. Letting Super Crazy and Tajiri go out there and have some super-fast paced spotfest, while very fulfilling, would not really help this cause. Furthermore, a show of this type would most likely mean bringing in some former ECW guys for the night, and there's probably some law of physics against New Jack ever receiving a paycheck from Vince McMahon. you know, quantumn mechanics and such.

As for the JBL/Bigshow match, who cares? A feud like that spells HOT no matter how it ends!

WEEKLY VISITOR ROUND TABLE

This week's (eeriely appropriate) question: With WWE's newfound interest ECW, as seen in the DVD release, Chilly Willy's signing and an inexplicable CW Anderson appearance, which former ECW superstar should they sign/re-sign since they fired them, and why?

Super Asia: To begin with, I was tempted to select one of the lovable but relatively untalented folks like the Blue Meanie or Nova, but ... the ECW personality I miss the most would probably be Phil Alfonso. Unfortunately, a by-the-book HEEL referee angle probably wouldn't get noticed in a league where a certain TV taping I attended had a nut-shot Dairy Queen in the frickin' main event. To be fair, the WWE's really cherry-picked the best talent that spent any time in ECW: All of the Radicalz, Tajiri, Paul Heyman, Al Snow, RVD (yeah, he only gives 60% on a good night, but that still totals more than Luther Reigns), Steven Richards and, as naturally follows Richards, Tazz.

All they're missing is the one man who could single-handedly save any show. Though Smackdown needs more help, I think his place is on Raw. A man who generates excitement wherever he goes. A man who can get people excited about even collector coins. Yup, it's gotta be Joey Styles. Let's face it: Raw's commentary team makes me not feel so bad about working Monday nights. They try their hardest to ruin Christian for me by jeering him despite being a heel commentator or miscalling his finisher. The less said about the women's matches the better (and how!). Joey Styles could convincingly lose his shit over the same browning apple that would have Tazz and Josh Mathews in stitches.

So, yeah. Him or Alfonso. Or maybe one of them crazy Mexicans or Japenese whose names I don't remember. So racist, so forgetful. This contribution probably illustrates that while I did see some of the best of ECW ("I HAVE THE JEWEL! And the treasure that comes with it!" comes to mind), I didn't really see that much of ECW.

JG: They should rehire Louie Spicolli to be Kane's love interest. Because he likes sleeping with corpses. Or, if you prefer, Big Dick Dudley could give it to Triple H (dressed as Kane) extra-hard, which results in anal bleeding. In bed.

Next Mideon: Shane Douglas. RAW needs some good backstage announcers. Too many vapid broads and Todd Grishams. Dean Douglas (now with tenure!) could don his tweed jacket and horn-rimmed glasses and be all "OohHooHooHoo! Gene Snitsky, what are your opinions on infants???" Then he would grade Eugene's term paper with a frowny-face sticker and get chocolate milk poured all over his heaving bosoms. Also, he'd always be shouting the name of the wrong city, and he'd have a lot of old man fights with Ric Flair. Hooray!

My choice for runner-up would be Big Sal, assuming he's still alive. Even if he's not. Nunzio has nothing to do and could use a fat (dead?) guy to climb on top of.

ME: My God, if there's anything I need to see as much as Mexican wrestlers RE-ENFUCKINGACTING the BIRTH OF OUR LORD!!!! it's New Jack bursting in on the set, stabbing the shit out of JR's honky-ass head, falling off of something very tall and knocking himself out for the remainder of the show. Next week, he can be repackaged in some stupid gimmick where he's a gardener who got hit in the head with a rock and thinks he's the Prince of Monaco, or something, and job to Tyson Tonko on HEAT.

Conversely, a return of the old, violent, cursing Rhino would be cool. Somebody needs to come out and tell Orton he's a fucking faggot-ass, cock sucking, motherfucking cunt bitch ass homo faggot, and then piledrive him through a table.

Boobermonkeys: Sid, for obvious reasons.

God, I can't believe they haven't already hired the new, THIN Blue Meanie as a "before and after" sidekick of Simon Dean's. Stevie should beat the fuck out of both of them, and then kiss Funaki right in the ring. It's all very complicated.

Also, all the dead ECW guys should come back.

SOFA: Ahem. Tajiri. Or rather, ECW Tajiri, or the Tajiri he still resembled around his first WWF match when he kicked Crash Holly so hard that he later died of a drug overdose. I'd like to see a return of the Tajiri where you honestly feared for the life of his opponent. As much as I enjoy goofy racist gimmicks, if Tajiri could return to his former form (and perhaps regain his first name), that would really be something special.

Your Japanese Indy pic of the Week:

Last Resorts

Fangoria is reporting that Kane's movie's name has changed from Eye Scream Man to Goodnight. Ugh. Also, it's apprently being directed by some dude named Gregory Dark, who, aside from directing videos for the Mo' Thugs family (Powder P!!!!), has had an illustrious film career. The Creasemaster??? Jesus Christ.