Your favorite weekly news recap is back. Um. Let's get started?

What if they held a PPV, and nobody came?

Then you'd have to let all the military people that live on the nearby base get in for free. That's right, TNA held their 2nd Sunday evening PPV, Turning Point, on Sunday night, and I think most people forgot about it. The main event was a cage match between America's Most Wanted and XXX, which was supposedly pretty good, but the real news was the 6 man tag. Savage was either beaten up backstage or something before the match, which of course means he has to run in and pin the Jarrett at the end after Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles do all the work.

While Savage getting a pin over Jarrett to set up the WWA Main Event that never happened isn't too suprising, what happened next is genius. According to some other website, which I've since forgotten, Savage demanded that he win the title at the next PPV. When TNA management refused (as giving the title to an out of shape psyco is generally not the way to save your failing company) SAVAGE WALKED!!!! This is the 2nd time he's walked out of TNA, in just ONE MONTH!!!! The worst part is, I don't think anybody's terribly suprised! When a company thinks that Savage, Hall and Nash are its saviors, it deserves to die. On the positive side, this means that by the Spring, ROH will finally be able to deliver the Jimmy Rave vs. AJ Styles match that they've been leading to for the past few months.

News about people you care about

WWE has released the posters for the Royal Rumble, and I'm speechless. The only thing gayer than Broadway Musicals is wanting to be a Broadway Musical. In blog style fashion: I sell tickets over the phone for a "living." The company I work for mainly sells tickets for the big theater in town, so I mainly deal with Broadway Shows. Anyway, Rent is coming to town soon, and a lady called the other day, asking my friend what the show was about. He read the description on our computer (which is delightfully vague, as to not scare customers off), but I guess the lady had some idea what the show was about, as she asked "Does it have any HOMOSEXUAL FLAIR?" AHAHAHA!!! Does a Broadway Musical have Homosexual flair??!?!! None the less, one written by a dude that died of AIDs???? AHHAHAHAHA!!! God damn, I love stupid people. Anyway, compare these posters to this other poster, and imagine what could have been.

In other ugly merchandise news, TNA is planning on releasing some new T-Shirts in JUNE!!! AHAHAHA!! FUCK!!! Whoever knew that wrestling news was a laugh a fucking mintue?? I'm sure they'll sell well, as I've been looking forward to the eventual release of those Fish Police T-Shirts. Anyway, here's a link to some pictures of the shirts. Just because I'm a wrestling fan doesn't mean I'm fucking retarded, ok? See what could have been?

Killing two birds with one stone, I've decided to incorporate the Ultimate Fight Battle Report into the Stiff Kick and No-Sells. So, here we go with that.

Tennessee Street Fight: Tommy Rich & Eddie Gilbert vs. Phil Hickerson & The Spoiler

This is from that 5-disc Wrestling Classics DVD that I picked up for like $15 a few months ago and haven't gotten around to watching. That said, I have no idea what year or federation this is from, but safe money has it being in Tennessee. Jim Cornette and Dave Meltzer introduce the match from what appears to be Dave's bedroom. And, I think they just got him out of bed. And he's supposed to be more proffesional than WV?

Cornette: "[The teams are battling in] a Tennesse Street Fight, where anything, and we do mean anything, is legal." Like marrying your cousin.

And here we go. Well, you can't see anything because of these stupid black bars on the screen. Ok, they're gone now, and we have all four men brawling all over the place to start. I don't want to be a SPOILER (LOLOLO!!!11!), but I imagine that a lot of this match is going to be like this. The announcer just said that you win the match by stripping the clothes off of your opponent. I certainly hope that is not the case.

Tommy Rich is already bleeding as the HEEL team is doing the beating down. Rich teases the Hogan No-Sell for a minute, but then decides against it. I do believe that Phil is wearing a watch. As predicted, the teams continue to brawl all over the place. Rich and Hickerson are outside the ring. Atomic Kneedrop on Hickerson. I've always hated that move.

Gilbert's trying to rip the Spoiler's mask off, but gets hit with a low blow. This makes me think of that awesome Liger vs. El Samurai match from '92 I was watching the other day, where Samurai's mask gets all ripped up (which seems to happen during a lot of El Samurai matches, actually) and Liger HEELs the hell up, acting like a total prick. Ahh, memories. Anyway, back to reality, and Rich is absolutely covered in blood. It'd be better if he bothered to act like he was suffering from the effects of a brutal beating as well, but maybe I'm asking for too much. The Spoiler takes off Gilbert's boot and uses it as a weapon. I love it when that happens. Getting beaten with your own shoe has to be up their with watching your girlfriend fuck multiple dudes in front of you in terms in humiliation. That's why I always wear Converse. The canvas burns a little, but doesn't do much permanent damage. And it's why I only date ugly chicks. Back to the match, and Rich is all "I didn't know this was a casual affair" and takes his boot off too. No word on the status of his girlfriend.

Gilbert and Spoiler go outside, and spoiler gets piledriven on the floor. Piledrove? I'm quite sure that killed him. Inside the ring, Tommy Rich is putting a mask on? What the hell? The commentators (one of whom sounds just like Joe Bob Briggs) say "it must be loaded with a piece of steel." Yeah, I'm sure it is. There's a huge fucking piece of metal in the front of that tiny cloth mask.

Rich climbs up to the 2nd rope. Gilbert holds up Hickerson so Rich can deliver the kind-of-half-assed-jumping-off-the-2nd-rope-but-landing-on-the-ground-first-then-headbutting-the-guy headbutt. Hickerson sells as if he was just hit with a piece of metal that is hidden somewhere. Gilbert covers him for the win. Hickerson does that kick-out just after the pin thing that I love, except when you're supposed to be selling getting hit in the head with a piece of metal. Joe Bob dude: "Vic-tooooeeee-reee!"

All in all, a pretty good match. Short and chaotic enough to not be offensive.

Something Like a RAW Rebeak

Apparently Lita had a really good match, which I am reluctant to believe. It also sounds like Snitsky wasn't too impressive, which seems to be the case lately, which makes me reluctant to lead into the:

WEEKLY VISITOR ROUND TABLE

This weeks question: Is Gene Snitsky the only reason to watch RAW, or just the main reason?

Super Asia:Snitsky gets props for taking Lita down a peg. She's been more defeatist now that she's been de-fetused. He's often compared to Heidenreich, which isn't bad considering he doesn't have Paul Heyman to carry his verbal slack. I think they'd make a fine duo, Snitsky and Heyman. They'd have great tension in that Paul's cherubic cheeks would remind Snitsky of a baby's ass.

That introduction aside, I say Snitsky's not the only reason to watch RAW. There's also the hope that Scott Steiner will return, maybe with a new Steiner System. Just apply the special growth compound, add water and within days backne will bloom!

JG:I don't think Gene Snitski is the main reason to watch RAW. In fact, I don't consider him a reason to watch RAW at all! Are you outraged by my shocking comments? Does my anti-Snitski stance offend your delicate sensibilities? Seriously, the guy was fun when he was murdering babies, talking about murdering babies, and punt-kicking pretend babies. But while we wait for the inevitable showdown with Kane, the baby-killing momentum has slowed to a crawl. Recent inovations in the Snitski character have been limited to a new and admittedly sweet "crazy bloodshot eye," and a spontaneous (though understandable) hatred of Maven. The Maven feud has led to some amusingly clumsy matches, but it just isn't building on Snitski's core characteristic of infanticide. The solution? Maven has to get pregnant. For extra drama, Snitski could be the father. Natural paternal instinct vs his inner need to kill babies...it's like Hamlet without all the tights! Oh wait, I guess wrestling has tights too. So...it's exactly like Hamlet.

Next Mideon:Just the main reason. I also like Edge's crazy expressions where his fish eyes get really huge. And Steven Richards going deep in battle royals, although something tells me that won't be a weekly occurence. I still enjoy Jim Ross calling anyone remotely Canadian "Chris Jericho," even though he's been doing it for about seven years now. Finally: Batista. Especially when he swears.

I'm still pissed off that Snitsky didn't get a week in charge of RAW. Baby On A Pole, Hell In A Crib... so many possibilities. I wish that Heidenreich On Ice guy had written all the fired wrestlers out by having Snitsky go back in time and abort them as fetuses.

ME: If I did watch RAW on a regular basis, it would probably be mainly because of Snitsky. However, I have been led to believe that his interest in poetry has not been followed up on, so I don't seem to be missing much.

HOWEVER, I think this might be a good thing. Snitsky was hilarious at first, because it was so obvious that the WWE thought he was what a wrestler should be! When he started to get too weird, it was entertaining, but I much prefer him going out there and actually believing that THAT IS WHAT PRO-WRESTLING SHOULD BE!!! And, he had a half-way decent match with Maven a few weeks ago, which is no small feet. This man is amazing! or was, as WWE tried to push him too hard as some sort of kitschy "so bad he's good" wrestler, which is just obnoxious. It's like when you watch some low-budget movie that tries to be bad because it has no budget, and therefore hopes for some forced "cult" following. It just comes across as smarmy.

Boobermonkeys:(Quoting me): "No fat chicks!"

Well I'm out.

SOFA:I find his mic work abysmal to the point where it's hilarious, and ridiculous shit like punting babies and enjoying Heidenreich's poetry also earn him high marks.

However, my friend Zach thinks that Snitsky is awesome because he's actually a credible "old school" (his words, not mine) heel. I find this explanation rather lacking, and more or less attribute Snitsky's entertainment value to his awful-ness, and relative 'being in the right place at the right time' factor.

So, to answer the question, he's a good reason to watch RAW, if you're a staff member of Weekly Visitor. Or really weird.

Your Japanese Indy pic of the Week:

Last Resorts

Paul Heyman was released from the Smackdown writing team last week. Apparently, the ratings have been up for the past 2 months or so, and apparently he was added to the writing team 2 or so months ago. Really, how can a company make money when it makes such stupid fucking moves? I'm not the biggest Heyman fan, as I've thought Smackdown (and WWE in general) has been fucking terrible for the past 3 or 4 months, and as a college grad with 1 semester of statistics under his belt, even I realize that correlation does not prove causation, but it doesn't mean you go fucking with things for no reason!! I mean, fuck! How can a company that seems to want to fail still make money?

I was gonna' write some more, but it's late and I think I have to work in the morning. I'm not sure, but I better show up. Just in case.