It's been, what, a month since I wrote anything for this site? I've been way to responsible as of late, so I may as well stay up doing a column tonight.

JG was blown away in a hurricane or something, and, rather than make lame jokes about natural-disaster themed wrestlers I figured I would do some sort of a Smackdown rebeak, so let's get this started.

411 is down right now, as the PPV ended and apparently nobody ordered it or they all ordered it and are confused about what to think about HHH vs. Goldberg, so they must turn to Keith to find out. Regardless, I turn to our old friends at Lords of Pain for a Smackdown refresher.

Why in the hell do they not have a Smackdown recap? JG, you got some 'splaining to do. Fuck, just for that I'm unlinking their name up there. Tito can write a shitty column a day, but they can't get someone to recap Smackdown by Sunday? They're making us look almost professional. Well, I guess we'll go see what Wrestling Observer has to say. I wonder how smarmy their recaps our.

BUT FIRST

I just saw a commercial for Unforgiven on tv. It is 10:19, central time. Fucking WWE. Let's get to this damn rebeak already.

Something a lot closer to a Smackdown rebeak

Ok, this is by Jeremy Wall (italics his) and . . . I can't read this crap. It sums it all up in one paragraph. A really long one, but just one, regardless. Fuck this recap. Jesus. I always thought there was a whole world of wonderful recaps online, but apparently it's just us. I'm running out of wrestling websites here. Let's try 1wrestling. Beware of the pop-ups, though.

And it's gone the way of 411, i.e. not working because of everyone wanting to read Unforgiven recaps. Ok, well there goes my ability to rebeak either show, for now. Instead, let's do something else.

WAAAAARRIOOOOOOOOOR! COME OUT AND PLAAAAAAA-YAAAAAAA!

Warrior came to my school on Wednesday to give a talk on behalf of the College Republicans. Now, if I was trying to attract new memebers to my group, I normally wouldn't invite a crazy man to ramble for an hour, but I've never been accused of winning people over to my side in the first place. Anyway, an occasion such as this certainly justifies taking off work for the afternoon. In fact, I was gonna stay home that day, due to a Throw Rag induced hangover (this was the best ban dI've seen in quite some time. And all the kids were at the Dropkick Murphy's show, so it was just a handful of very drunk older kids (or young adults, if you prefer), all having a very good time. Check this guys out if you get the chance.), but one only has a few oppurtunities to see men such as Warrior. I've learned my lesson the hard way. WARNING: THIS IS VERY REMINISCENT OF A SIMPSONS JOKE, BUT IT'S TRUE When Dolemite came to the mall like 7 years ago, I decided to just sit around the house instead, thinking he'd be back through town some other time in my life. I don't believe that's going to happen. I made sure to see Kreskin when he was at my school in New Jersey, and I made sure to see Warrior.

I knew the day was going to be interesting when I was on the train on the way out to school. I was sitting there with my head down, and caught a familiar face otu of the corner of my eye. It was this guy I went to high school with (Fred somethingrather. His eyes were all twitchy, which is how I knew it was him). I didn't know him well, having never talked to him and all, and I was hungover and just wanted to sleep, so I figured it best if I just went about silently building hate for the two dorks in front of me talking about Underworld or something. However, since I was moving fairly slow, once again due to hungoverness, I noticed that Fred whatshisface was reading an issue of WWE Magazine. Who the fuck reads WWE Magazine?!?! On the train, no less. Oh yes, today would be special.

So, I finally made it to school to attend my one class of the day. My intro level Poli. Sci. class. I'm in my 5th year of school, currently am taking my Senior Seminar in Political Science, but I have to take an entry level class because I never felt like it before. However, this apparently is not weird, as HALF OF MY SENIOR LEVEL CLASS IS IN THE ENTRY LEVEL CLASS WITH ME! What the fuck kind of school do I go to. Class, too, was odd, A few "conservatives" in class were trying to downplay the significance of slavery. They were trying to act like treating human beings as cattle was really not that big of a deal, and is blown out of proportion. Jesus. I really don't understand some people. And now, it was time to see Warrior.

I didn't really take very good notes, so this is a bit vague, but if it wasn't vague, I imagine our heads would explode. In case you didn't know, Warrior is a nut. In case you really didn't know, he used to be the Ultimate Warrior, but legally changed his name to Warrior some time after leaving the WWF. Let me repeat: HE LEGALLY CHANGED HIS NAME TO "WARRIOR." WARRIOR! What the fuck is wrong with him? His wife and kids' last name is Warrior. WARRIOR! That's crazy enough, but he has taken up this insane "Warrior Lifestyle," which seems to be nothing more that rambling about some weird concept of God and how you shouldn't help anyone else out. To be fair, that's only a small part of it. The rest is currently being deciphered by the top Egyptologists in the country.

Wait a minute. His website is www.ultimatewarrior.com. That doesn't make any sense at all. Wait, I guess the judge must have awarded him the copyright, seeing as he was WILLING TO CHANGE HIS FUCKING NAME TO WARRIOR! He probably just wanted his nutty ass out of his courtroom. Oh yeah, and if you can't get into the website, it's because you have to click right in the middle of the shield. It took me like 2 years to discover that.

Ok, so I get out of class and head off to see the Warrior. I get to the room he's gonna' be in and see two or three people from my Senior Seminar. I've only been to that class like 2 times, but I already don't like them. They, much like the guys in my class earlier that day, are wussy little wannabe "conservatives," and I hate them for it. Seriously, if you're taking a Senior Senimar in Political Science, I would assume you've studied some Political Science, and would have a fucking clue as to what you're talking about. And they're wussies. Two of them are younger, and one day Affirmative Action came up. I could tell they were against it, but they didn't want to say so, and I can only assume it was because of the black man sitting right next to them. Just say it, pussies. Jesus. The one I really don't like, though, is this really fat fuck. I mean, he's really fat. The back of his neck sticks out like 5 inches. During the break in the middle of class, he went out and called someone to find out if the State Senate overrode the Veto on the Concealed Weapons Bill (they did). Who the fuck wants to carry a concealed gun that bad? He was so happy about it, too. He was talking about how he was gonna' run right out and buy one. I was going to a party that weekend. Different strokes for different folks.

Anyway, the crowd is kind of creepy, or what little crowd there is. The front row is an ethnically diverse group of dorks who are talking about wrestling history and stuff. Some guy dressed in a Hardy Boyz-ish outfit is here. Does he even know what the Warrior is all about? It ain't about being a fag, that's for sure. Some lanky black man who looks kind of . . . odd starts a video. I guess he's with the College Republicans.

The video has very dramatic music and is all clips of him from the WWF. If he's so against it, why is he using it to advertise for himself? It also has some quotes from his website. I wonder if the WWE knows he uses this footage, anyway? I ain't no snitch, though.

Ok, some lady comes on stage and introduces him nothing much, then they are gonna' show an intro video.

And. . . it's the same one. Except it goes on for like half an hour. I could make a real smarky joke about how they gotta' pad this out because he'll "blow-up" (smark term #1) 5 minutes into his speech, but I'll leave it to the professionals.

And he begins. For the most part, he just talks about his past, with something about family values and liberal corruption thrown in here and there for good measure. It's really quite boring, actually. He goes over his dislike of the current WWE stuff, how he had to struggle for the first two years of his career (which doesn't make a lot of sense to me, cuz he talks about how he was doing well as a bodybuilder or something, then turned to wrestling when somebody mentioned it to him, thus implying that he wasn't interested in it before, so why would he do it if he was starving as a result?), and on and on about not much in particular. Finally, he starts to read from his notes/paper/word jumble he has in front of him, and it gets a bit interesting. It sounds just like one of his pieces online, so just read one of those to know what he was saying. He's not a very good public speak, actually, as he talks way too fast. When you're spouting out stuff like:

If my primary goal is what I say it is, (i.e., keep my own kids and grandkids from growing up in a world governmentally run by Liberalism and its liberals as both are ideologically identifying themselves today) then it will be what I can contribute toward the restoration of what is traditional that contributes most; historically traditional about this country; historically traditional about what man has done to be legitimately effective in his life and as a consequence be legitimately effective in evolving mankind. (taken from his latest post on his website)

you really need to stop a moment and let the audience catch up to what you just said. And yes, he does seem to talk in parenthesese.

At some point, a creepy looking guy shows up late and sits behind me. He looks just like the type of guy who snaps and starts shooting people. Plain button up shirt tucked into tight jeans, cropped hair and glasses. Never trust these types. Don't trust them especially if they show up a talk by Warrior and start writing furiously. Is he transcribing this whole thing? I certainly hope not.

Warrior: "You can't live in fear of 'judge not lest ye be judged'." Did he just say "fuck the Bible?" Awesome.

He finally wrapped it all up and went to a Q&A session. The first guy to get up is that creepy guy from behind me. Great. He asks something about school displays for Septmber 11 (mentioning that he goes to a school that is like 6 hours drive from here. He came all the way up to St. Louis in the middle of the week just to see Warrior?!?! He is definitely insane.), mentioning that UMSL didn't have one, and was therefore inherently evil. Now, I think my feelings about the drawing out of the events of September 11, 2001 are known, so I don't need ot go into them here, but I really don't think it's necessary for a school to do something special on that day. Hell, the President made what was essentially a campaign speech that day. Anyway, that really fat fuck from class piped in that UMSL had an anti-American speaker that day. Intrigued that such a quiet, bland school as UMSL would have an anti-American speaker on September 11, and that there would be absolutely no mention of this anywhere in the media, I decided to see just what was done on Sept. 11. And, it was nothing. UMSL's website lists nothing on that day. I can vouch that there were no signs or anything around campus for any speakers that day, unamerican or not. So, either he is mistaken, or just fat. I'm gonna' go with fat. I don't remember what Warrior's response to this was, but I can bet it was disgust of some sort.

Nobody else really wants to ask a question. That weird, lanky black dude asks one, but I can't remember it, and Warrior talked for like 20 minutes afterwards. He started talking about how we all have to take charge of our own lives and whatnot, then called the fat dude fat! It was awesome. Apparently, they met beforehand, as Warrior knew his name and siad they were friends, but he called him fat! hahahaha. you fat fuck.

Final Thoughts: "The whole ridiculousness of it was just absurd to me" - Warrior.

Wow, that turned into the ventings of an inane and baseless hatred of a fat man really quick. Ah well. It happens all the time. Let's do Smackdown and Unforgiven now.

Something much closer to a Smackdown Rebeak

Alright, as remembering that fat fuck (he wasn't in class last week. I guess seeing Warrior wore him out) has made me full of hatred for everything, I'm gonna' use Scott Keith's recap. That, and I noticed that PK guy also recaps Confidential. I don't trust anybody who could watch that each week.

Did this really start off with a match?: pregnant mothers in mexico give birth to stillborn monster babies hideous deformed two-headed monsters vivisected for your magazine essay c'mon, c'mon c'mon to the violent world with me & IT'S NOT A TUMAH! vs. In 20 years, the smarks will laugh hysterically calling me "Whyno" & Holy shit all these names are way too long

God, that's ridiculous. Anyway, this match was fun and short. Saw the mist, which is always nice. Mysterio pinned Rhyno. So, were these guys like "Fuck, Eddie left, we gotta' find a Mexican to fill his spot, QUICK!"?

Now, I know that they didn't do two matches in a row: "this is a flash site. you know, object-oriented scripting drafted by macromedia which surpassed HTML? heh, if you didn't know that, you'd be so . . ." vs. it's a missile girl in a missile world & he loves evil sex, she has lost control, they are growing old

haha. I entertain myself. Anyway, Shaniqua demanded this match after what happened last week, and promptly beats the two. A big bunch of nothing much, but Shaniqua's powerbomb is pretty sick.

Scot Keith: "Elsewhere, the Vince McMahon clan tries to get Steph to quit. I still don’t get why Vince can’t just fire her - he hired her in the first place!"

Uh, he said he didn't want to, but thanks for trying.

There were probably commercials in here somewhere. The days of HHH humping some jobber are over.

Oh yeah, remember how we used to have Tag Titles on this show?: we'll go where eagles dare! i ain't no goddamn son of a bitch; you better think about it baby vs. pregnant mothers in mexico give birth to . . . nevermind

So, you have an hour long match on the show, yet have time for another match that can go to commercial in the middle? It was good, though, with the Gurreros winning the titles after a sick drop on the white one. Haas, I guess. Oh yeah, before the match, John Cena was inexplicably rapping to a cameraman on the roof of the arena earlier in the day. Apparently they removed a line about John Ritter. Whatever.

Wait, Scott Keith gave up halfway through a Smackdown rant to go see Def Leppard? That seems very uncharacteristic of him. And he saw Poison and Vince Neil a week earlier?!?! Jesus. Just . . . Jesus.

This match is indeed 60 minutes long: Tazz calls me a "Manster" vs. It does not rhyme with Mangina!

Before the match, we saw the HEELS are sitting around and taking bets with the FBI (except for O'Haire, who just sulked) and the faces all siting around . . . and taking bets with the APA. Hey, there's Ultimo! And who is that girl with Orlando Jones?

No, I'm not about to rebeak this entire thing. A fucking hour. But it was a damn fine matchup. Here's something weird: before the match started, I went to the bathroom (that's not the weird part) and thought to myself "I wonder if there's ever been an Iron Man match where the HEEL uses a chair at the very beginning, giving up a fall to gain more in the long run." True story. Didn't say it was funny, or even interesting. And I guess it really isn't that weird, either. Oh well. Anyway, in case you don't know by now, Brock eventually wins, after the situation I described above occured.

Final Thoughts: Why would you want to order Unforgiven after this week's tv?

Speaking of Unforgiven, I can only assume nobody has rebeaked it, so I may as well list the winners. No, I did not get it. I'm not drunk all the time, you know.

Did anybody else notice Kane's hand on the ads for this?

Not just RAW's, but America's Tag Titles: Back to TNN for now vs. FREEDOM. Boo-yah!

Bischoff took Spike out because he was injured (a decidedly un-HEEL move), but Austin put the titles on the line for some reason. Well, I know the reason. In an incredibly shocking move, the Dudleyz win the belts. I guess it's because they forgot for them to win them a month ago.

Speaking of feuds that drag along: This guy (w/ her) vs. This other guy

Blarg. Test wins, cuz this feud keeps the crowd hot! So, expect test to make Steiner do something wacky last night. It seems that Stacy accidentally hit Steiner with a chair, allowing Test to win. Then she cried. I imagine that will all be forgotten in a week or two, so maybe you don't need to pay attention to it.

OVERRATED: I swear I wasn't checking Maven out vs. Who's the gay one now?

Some called this the best match on the card. Some also are eagerly anticipating Limp Bizkit's new album. Flair helps Orton cheat 2 for the win. Sounds decent.

Let's see, so far every match has ended predictably. The only hard one, really, is the IC match and the Women's tag match. I'm going with RVD and who cares?

Speaking of who cares: wacky nickname #1 & 2 vs. wacky nickname #3 & 4

Actually, the women have some of the best matches on RAW, but I could care less about this match. One would assume Lita would go over, and she did. It sounded pretty good, though.

Seriously, did anybody but me see that fucking hand?: I'm topless now vs. he's topless now

Let's just see what the crazy bump was. Wow. It sounds as if there were a few of them. Nice. I might have to get this match. Kane wins in the end.

I've been typing for hours and don't feel like making up names anymore: Christian vs. Jericho vs. Rob Van Dayom

Hard to tell how good the match was, but it probably ain't bad. Anyway, Christian retains, which makes as much (if not more. I am willing to admit it.) sense than RVD winning.

But who announced this match: Old White guys vs. Not quite as old white guys

Really, who did? As predicted (to my friend. Fuck you) Al Snow and Coach win. I guess Sofa's not too upset about not seeing RAW anymore, as his favorite part of it is gone now.

Just get it over with: Why hasn't anybody gotten an Anti-semitic gimmick to feud with me? vs. Well, I certainly wouldn't be able to do it

hahaha. woo. Anyway, 411's recapper seems to get really excited about this, but I don't see how. Goldberg wins pretty clean. It is truly the dawning of a new error. BOO-YAH! HAHAHA! TAKE THAT!

Final Thoughts: I probably shouldn't be so hard on something that I didn't watch, but seriously, are you saying I should watch Gigli too?

Jesus, that took forever. Good thing there's not very much interesting news of late. There was that fight between Hurricane and Rodney Mack, but that's not much. Oh well. I'll be back when I'm back. Somebody should be doing RAW this week. Not sure who, but somebody.