So, since WV has become WVmania!, or at least we all said it would, I don't really know if this is gonna be a tape review or a column. Hm, that first part if the sentence has absolutely no bearing on the second part. Anyway, I'll make this a column, since I've only written two since I said I was gonna start doing them weekly 2 months ago and only one of those made it online. Right now I'm watching some tape about Fujinami, but I doubt I will mention it again after this point. Also, I haven't started drinking yet, but it's bound to happen soon.

It's been rainy today, and I've been in a bad mood because of the rain, being dirt poor, having to pay my $200 for my phone use for the past two months and having to come up with $4000 in about a month, and since I didn't feel like going into town to by a black light for the party this Saturday to replace the one I smashed my head into at the last party, I spent the afternoon fucking around online. As usually happens, I run out of interesting stuff to read about wrestling pretty quick, and end up reading something by Scott Keith. It was his latest RAW report, and, as usual, it filled me with hate for somebody I've never even met. Not that it isn't common for me to hate complete strangers, but I really try to keep it to a minimum. Anyway, he starts off by saying he took some IQ test that FOX showed on tv or something. Intrigued (or just killing time), I decided to take the test (http://www.testonfox.com/) and immediately realized that Scott Keith is a fucking idiot. Now, I'm no expert on IQ tests, as I've only taken one in my life, and that was back in 2nd grade (which they never gave me the results to. That has always bothered me, as I could have done really well, so the govt. is following me aronud and stuff now to see what I do, or I could have done really bad, and they didn't want to make me cry. The latter would explain a lot of things about my life, actually.), but this test doesn't seem to test your IQ at all. It was more like a vocabulary quiz. It would have a word, then ask you to pick what word was similar in meaning to it, and stuff like that. I quit after I had to start waiting 20 seconds to go to the next question, so I guess it could have changed later in the test, but it still didn't test you IQ at all. It was just memory and stuff. Einstein painted his door red so he could remember which house was his. Scott Keith, however, does not have that problem, as he rarely leaves the house, and when he does his mom always remembers the way back home. BOO-YAH!

Later in his "rant," which looks suprisingly like a tv recap to the untrained eye, Keith mentions wanting to get with a girl who works at a porn shop, and wonders how to casually drop by without seeming like a pervert. He then says "[t]hese are the kinds of situations that I sometimes think I should write down in case I ever find myself with a sitcom based on my life." A) You just did write it down and B) you're fucking lame. you write your shitty little sit-com about all your wacky misadventures in your mom's basement, and I'll write some kick ass ninja movie about me doing drugs in the middle of the jungle in Thailand with some weird Kurtz type figure from Chesire who made it very clear that he could have me killed at any moment while two East Germans (WTF?!) injected something into each other's spines. I'm sure yours will make M*A*S*H look like Homeboys in Space. NOTE: I, like everybody else on the planet, never actually saw Homeboys in Space, and M*A*S*H sucked..

Seriously though, Scott, I'll help you out. Go rent a video or two, and say to her "I've got some Night Train back at my place, why don't you stop by for a bit when you get off work?" Just make sure it's not lesbian porn, cuz then she can act all into it and pretend she's gay when you pitifully try to make a move for her. Of course, she'll probably do that anyway. Actually, the easiest thing would be to pick up the damn phone and call her, but you'd have to not be a pussy, and you wouldn't have an excuse to write about your OH-so hilarious situation which is really nothing more than an attempt to impress your "fans" by proving you actually talked to a girl, who's probably like your new next door neighbor who was just going around and introducing herself to everyone, or something.

It's beer time.

"Go for 2006!" I think that might have something to do with the World Cup, but, being an American, I can't say for sure. That was also the them of the Kirin Cup, which I actually watched the other night. I was gonna watch PRIDE at this sports bar, but when me and my friend got there, it was full. We went to another bar down the street to see if they were showing it, but they were instead showing the Kirin Cup. We stayed there until some friends arrived, and then ended up staying until 1 AM. I spent like $70 on beer, and did some serious damage to my liver. I still wasn't recovered two days later, when I had to go to work. After teaching the kid, the dad insisted I stay for some beers, and he began to either energetically praise or criticize the way I taught the child. I couldn't tell which he was saying.

To bring this back to wrestling, I went home and watched Smackdown!, which sucked.

I'm not watching some All Japan tape about tag teams from 1980-82. This should rule. There's very few japanese people in it. OH! I think it's about the tag leagues from those three years, and the three complete matches are gonna' be the finals. It's all The Sheik and Abdullah the Butcher and the Funks creating chaos. Every match has ended in DQ or countout.

I'll probably start rebeaking this when the 2nd match starts, then promptly give up. I was gonna rebeak Smackdown! last night, but about 2 minutes before it started I really stopped feeling like it. Beer and lack of sleep probably played a large role in that. I haven't slept well since the night of the Kirin Cup. The day after that, I woke up around noon with a fairly bad hang-over, watched an episode of Charlie's Angels, fucked around, then fell asleep watching NOAH. That night I couldn't sleep for the life of me. I got like 2 hours sleep or something. Yesterday, I stayed up to watch Smackdown!, but didn't sleep too well after it, and today I fell asleep in the afternoon, only to be woken up by a plane flying so low I thought it was gonna crash into me. I was gonna' go back to sleep after that, but noticed Boy Meets World was on. I watch anything on tv that's in English, so I've been quite into this lately. I think it was the last episode. Corey and Topenga got married. Anyway, I'm not gonna' be able to sleep tonight, which sucks ass as nothing good is on after Battle of the Planets (or is it Battle for the Planet? It's Gatchaman over here.). Not that anything terribly good is on before it . . . Anyway, here's what I wrote about Smackdown!:

Pre-Show: Japanese tv sucks. Sasuke was on some show, then it turned into some guy video taping a girl in her bedroom, but it was very obviously a sound stage and they didn't show her face. The some other girl had to seduce a mannequin in the same room. Then the two girls were doing Kendo in there. At that point, I gave up and played video games. God I miss Jenny Jones.

So, recently some new guy took over production of Smackdown!, or something, which was supposed to make it better. I watched it last week, and would have to disagree. It ended with Piper ripping that kid's leg out of his leg, and instead of Michael Cole and Tazz commentating it was dubbed over by the Japanese guys. However, Dick Togo was doing color commentary. Regardless, I was my MC & Tazz. I'm just gonna' refer to them as MC Tazz from now on.

Of course, it is highly unlikely that I would have mentioned Cole or Tazz again. Also, it was not Dick Togo, but that guy from DDT that doesn't really look like Dick Togo, but for some reason I always think he does. There was one entertaining part on Smackdown!, though. After the main event of Mr. America vs. Sean O'Haire (which put O'Haire in a fairly elite club of "guys who've beaten Hogan in a singles match." I guess it has become a little less elite in the past year, as I think the number of guys who've beaten him in that time is the same as the number of guys who've beaten him in the previous 10 years, or maybe even 15, but still, Benoit's never beaten him. Or me, for that matter.), the commentators showed a picture of Torrie in an itsy-bitsy, teenie-weenie, (non) polka dot bikini, and talked about what type of food the groinal area looked like. Groinacular region. Also on the show, they had a segment where that girl that I hate explained the whole McMahon/Mr. America feud (McMahon hates our freedom!), and she said that "Hogan came back as Mr. America." Now, I realize that everybody knows that Hogan is Mr. America, but I don't think they've ever come out and said this in America. Anyway, the Japanese people seemed very apathetic to the whole thing, but can you blame them?

This tape is half over, and they're still on the first of the three complete matches on the tape. Of course, while writing that, The Funks lost by countout. I think. It also appears that the ring ropes broke. Oh yeah, I probably should have mentioned that it was the Funks vs. Giant Baba and Jumbo Tsuruta.

We're now in 1981. That would be the year I was born. The Sheik's wearing pointy shoes now. Clips of all the different matches. Here's the real one. Wait, is it just the same two teams as before? haha. Sign: "Texas Broncoes. The Fanks." That reminds me of the two really lazy signs I saw on Smackdown! for Eddie Guerrero last night. I don't have a joke for that, just pointing out that I saw two really lazy signs. Fuck no it ain't the same match, it's

The Funks vs. Bruiser Brody & Jimmy Snuka (w/ Stan Hansen)

This should rule. I think one of the commentators just said "The Funks are kind of old." Just wait 20 years, dude.

Snuka and Terry to start. Some pretty cool stuff. Maybe I shouldn't have decided to rebeak this after all. Both men tag. Some stuff. Nice dropkick by Brody. Tag to Terry. Dropkick to Terry misses.

I stopped for a minute to call my girlfriend. This match is slowly teetering towards chaos of the best sort, but it ain't there yet. Terry just kicked out of the top rope splash. Then he tagged Dory. Shit! Top rope body splash to Snuka on the outside of the ring by Terry! Wait, maybe it was Dory, as Dory just suplexed Snuka back into the ring, and Brody was doing something in the crowd. I'm gonna assume he was fighting Terry in there, but maybe he just wanted to sit down for a minute. Dory tags Terry. Terry throws Snuka to his corner and tells Brody to tag in. "Much obliged, guvna'!" Punches are traded, with Terry coming out on top. Lock up. They move to the corner. Kick by Brody. Tag to Snuka. Terry breaks a headlock by kicking Snuka in the balls, who sells it by doing the Charleston. Tag to Dory. Stuff. Spinning Toe-Hold! Terry and Brody spill outside. Hansen hits a huge clothesline on Terry. Snuka remembers he has full use of his other leg and kicks Dory off. The clothesline appears to have killed Terry, so Dory goes to check on him. Back in and he's all over Snuka. Tag to Brody, and they go outside. Ok, they come right back in. Punchery by Dory, then kickery by Brody. Tag to Snuka. Yeah, I think Terry is dead. Body slam to Dory. Top rop head butt! 2 count! Tag to Brody. Suplex. 2 count. Backbreaker. 2 count. I think I see a pattern emergins here. Terry is still dead. Tag to Snuka. Running body splash. Blocked! Dory with knee breaker. Spinning toe-hold! Snuka manages to reach up and tag Brody, which Dory did not see. Brody comes in with a top rope judo chop. Running knee drop. That's it.

While it did not decend into chaos, it did rule.

I was taking a piss, but something happened that resulted in Baba and Tsuruta beating the shit out of Hansen. Terry is still dead.

Backstage: Hansen curses up a storm.

Baba and Tsuruta come out for the "Commending Ceremony." Not much happens. The last match was The Funks vs. Brody and Hansen. The Funks won by DQ, which struck me as really weird for such a big match. Terry bled a lot. It ruled.

I guess that's about it for now. It was fun while it lasted. Maybe I'll do it again soon. HAHAHA. There's some Japanese band called "The NaBs." The NoBs.