So, since I live in Japan for the time being and watch wrestling, I figured I'd start a column about it. Hopefully, this will be weekly, with me writing it every Wednesday afternoon (which is like 5 in the morning back in the motherland). More than likely, I will half ass this one and then never do it again.

First Things First

So, last night I got drunk and watched Smackdown. Here's what came of that:

Now, I know that most of you are saying "Doesn't WV already have a Smackdown rebeaker?" I've scratched out a million different "humorous" replies to that question, finally deciding that a simple "yes" will do. However, and this might be the biggest "however" I've used in my life, does WV, or any site for that matter, have a rebeaker of the Japanese version of Smackdown, which is not only edited, but also 2 or 3 weeks behind? If you're up at 1:45 AM after an early day at school and a night of drinking a big ass jug of cheap wine, I think you know where I'm coming from. So, this might be a regular thing. I'm loathe to say "weekly," as I doubt I will have the gall to do this every week, much less deal with the really annoying hosts of Smackdown. Regardless, this is this, and you've read this far so you might as well continue.

Before we begin (as if I haven't taken up enough time before that), I'd like to point out that reading the WWE rebeaks is much like if you read any of the japanese rebeaks I do. Especially Smackdown. They're filled with guys I haven't seen in quite some time or with guys I've read about but have never seen. After I wrote that, I realized it has little, if any, to do with this rebeak. I think you'll find that to be a common theme.

One last thing: I doubt that anybody's noticed, as I save most of my bitching for personal interactions, and since I tend to not interact with other persons most of it is directed towards my Ultraman toys, I've complained quite a bit about how fucked up Japan is. However, that has all changed tonight. Any country where at the end of the news, they recap the baseball scores already given earlier in the night is a great country. I think we can finally start the rebeak now.

Pre-show: I think I've said enough. Besides, it was just commercials.

STARTO!: Rock really is bald.

We are very not live from somewhere in Tokyo. It's a place kind of similar to The World, except not closed. Japanese people are saying Japanese things. I'm a bit too drunk to care.

1st Impact!: Mysterio & some guy with hair and stuff vs. Matt Hardy & Shannon Moore

Annoying lady: "Se No! Justo Bringu It!" I hate that. Michael Cole says we are a few days away from Wrestlemania. Sweet. Didn't Lesnar and Angle have a match on this show? This can't be bad then. Anyway, Mysterio's partner is Brain Kendrick, who does not fit into either the "haven't seen in awhile" or the "haven't seen but have read about" category. He's probably some WCW guy I should recognize, but I can't for that very same reason. Oh Shit! Matt Hardy's entrance does rule! And here I thought he was just as boring as when I saw him last.

Moore and Kendrick to start. Lots of stuff happens. Kendrick does a Giant Swing and Mysterio dropkicks Moore's head. That was cool. If this match wasn't half as good I could probably rebeak it a lot better. Tonight is also Nathan Jones's in ring debut! That's enough of a joke for me. Taz calls a crucifix powerbomb a "splash mountain bomb." Haha. Then he called a neckbreaker a "silly crazy move." By the by, there's about 107 moves and tags I haven't mentioned here. Matt Hardy finally wins with the Twist of Fate, but they announce Shannon Moore's name first. weird. We then clip to Hogan right outside the ring, but then go to

Commercials: A monkey shakes a soda. That's about it.

I was doing good up until about 2 minutes before the show started, but then Carlo Rossi kicked the door down.

We're back, and Hogan's in the ring. The San Diego crowd goes crazy. Or piped in crazy, at least. The Japanese crowd is fairly apathetic. Hogan says some stupid shit to set up the Wrestlemania match. At least this segment isn't the main event, like it was last week. I think they forgot to add crowd noise after Hogan's entrance. The crowd seems really dead, especially for an edited crowd.

Some fag talks to Brok Lesnar. Seriously, this guy makes Cole look like Charles fucking Bronson. Then we cut to Undertaker and Nathan Jones. These two are stupid. For some reason, there's an unconscious man on the floor of Jones's dressing room, and this means he doesn't have a match now. Whatever.

2nd Impact! Benoit & Rhyno vs. Big Show and Albert

I've heard they call him A-Train now. There will be a lot of changes to get used to when I get back to America. Before the match begins, we have to have Japanese doing Japanese things. Then my tv fucks up so I have to stand up and hit it. Then, the HEELs say something to Nathan Jones. None of that was necessary.

The match finally begins. Albert & Rhyno start. Sweaty stuff. Seriously, why doesn't Albert have to shave? That's just fucking gross. Taz says "(A-Train is) a breakout guy." hahaha. He's only been in the federation for, what, 4 years? 5 years? Tag to Benoit after some stuff, which leads to some more stuff, then a tag to the Big Show. Sometimes, I enjoy Big Show matches. Now is not one of those times. For some reason, Taz keeps talking about meat. Well, I guess there is a lot of meat in the ring. Big Show did something and I swear Taz said "Look at this veal!" All this talk of meat will make Big Show go all slobbery, which might make the match entertaining. Benoit's selling like a bitch, but that doesn't help this match go any faster. Tag to A-Train. Why do I bother mentioning the tags when I don't mention any of the moves? C'est la vie. Here's one: Benoit hit a nice german suplex on Albert. Then a tag to Rhyno. I've fallen back to my old ways. Then, for no apparent reason, Nathan Jones runs in for the DQ. But he's a face. I hate stupid shit like that. All the "bad ass" faces that are no different from the HEELs. The WWE really is stupid. Anyway, the Japanese reaction was more apathy.

Japanese people talk about A-Train, and fuck knows what else.

Are these commercials?: It cut to them really weird, and it's for some Hulk Hogan DVD. Ok, I guess they are. "Biku, biku, biku, biku, Bic Camera!" That's all that matters.

I had to piss, and came back on Rikishi being clubbed by somebody. That's John Cena? Didn't he used to wear wrestling gear? Then we cut to

More Commercials: Why didn't they show these with the other ones? Then, I would know for certain if that was John Cena or not, and if that was a match or not. At least one of the commercials is with those weird, fat Power Ranger type guys.

We're back. Outside clubbering. If Cena's fighting Brok now, then why was he fighting Rikishi like 2 weeks ago? Did Rikishi get another push? Fun fact: In Japanese, "Rikishi" means "history." Cena puts Rikishi in a choke and makes silly faces. The crowd reaction sounds very fake. After lots of shit, the ref gets knocked out. Then Cena uses his bling to knock Rikishi out. Ref's back up. Rikishi kicks out at 2 despite me calling him knocked out. Cena then hit a DVD for the win, which was pretty cool. After the match, Cena makes it abundantly clear that he is calling Brok out. Brok does not respond, so Cena goes to find him. Then we cut to Cena and Brok fighting backstage, and Angle hits Brok with a piece of wood. They showed that at the beginning of this week's and last week's show.

Commercials: Even pasta gets advertised on tv here. I think. Who knows what that was a commercial for.

That's it? Fuck that. Rikishi doesn't main event. Anyway, back with the Japanese people, one of the guys spits right in the girl's face and calls it "mist." That was funny.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Rikishi really didn't main event, did he? And what happened to my Brok vs. Angle match?

Other Things

Everyone's talking about how Sasuke won a seat in the Diet, and how he's gonna' keep his mask on and stuff. heh. I accidentally typed "mack on." I guess he'll do that too. Anyway, while this is cool and all, I just can't get too worked up about it. I don't know why. It was cool when he gave his acceptance speech in a wrestling ring, though, and one of the caveman guys from M-Pro was with him.

Bob Sapp is back in the States now, possibly getting surgery on his eye. He went to a doctor there, but I don't remember what he said. Anyway, he plans to fight at the K-1 show in May that's gonna' be in Las Vegas.

Fuck, it's almost 5, I'm very hung over and very hungry. That's all the puro shit for now.