In case you didn't know, Triple H is supposed to be returning to WWFE programming on the January 7th edition of WWF RAW isn't WAR. And, if by chance you didn't know that, then you might not know that he has been taken out of action sometime mid-last-year. . .ummm. . .oh, after Wrestlemania, 'cause he was teamed up with Austin. During a match on RAW, ironically enough, Triple H tried to deliver the devastating push maneuver on Chris Jericho, but tore something-or-other in his leg, and then he went away. Now, some. . .half a year later, Triple H is all up in our face once again, and he's not even said anything new yet.

The point is that I can't stop hearing about Triple H - not even when I'm watching channels that don't carry WWFE programming. So, since everyone won't shut the fuck up about him, and since he's being hyped up bigger than the second coming, I've decided to break down how next Monday's episode of RAW should be played out in classic Internet wrestling columnist fashion. Each of the following eight paragraphs will encompass each fifteen minute timeslot the WWF has between commercials.

Slot #1 - RAW opens with that God damn U2 vignette of Triple H falling over and excising, culminating with something to the effect of "Triple H returns NOW!" We then skip the opening footage shit, whatever those things are called - openings, I guess - and go right to the arena. A three minute pyrotechnics display goes off, following by Triple H's music. Triple H goes through his usual minute and a half walk to the ring, and then grabs a microphone. He uses the remaining ten and a half minutes to remind us how he's the game and he's here to beat up everyone and then win all the belts. Just before going to commercial, Triple H's old music hits and Stephanie walks out onto the stage.

Slot #2 - Stephanie starts speaking, and fills up the next seven and a half minutes about how she's been treated badly by her father and Ric Flair, how she coerced Ric Flair into resigning her, and how she has a job again. Triple H and Stephanie then fill up the remaining seven and a half minutes reminiscing about the good times they had and about how they're going to get back at Vince McMahon for being mean to Stephanie.

Slot #3 - Triple H enlightens us to the fact that he's put together a half hour presentation about all the people he beat up in 2001. He takes the first five minutes to go over Austin, whom he single handedly obliterated at No Way Out in, what he reminds us, was the voted best match of 2001. He then goes on to Undertaker, and gives us a ten minute presentation about how, despite losing to him, he technically beat him because of some stupid contrived reason. The fans cheer because they're stupid.

Slot #4 - Triple H then informs us that he's set aside the last fifteen minutes for the Hardyz, specifically Jeff Hardy. He goes through his two matches with Jeff for the IC belt specifically, painstakingly showing us how Jeff Hardy didn't get (wasn't allowed to get) any offensive moves in edgewise. The recap segment abruptly ends with Edge's music hitting and challenging Triple H to an impromptu match.

Slot #5 - Triple H and Edge to at each other for the IC title. The match is highly reminiscent of the matches Triple H had with Jeff Hardy last year. Triple H simply beats the living hell out of Edge for ten minutes straight, then pins him and takes his belt. Christian then comes down and makes an instant face turn, trying to defend his brother's honor. He gives Triple H a no DQ match for his European Title. During the match, Edge tries to get involved, but gets a concussion for his trouble. The match ends five minutes later with Triple H piling Edge on top of Christian and pinning them both, thus gaining the European Title.

Slot #6 - Triple H calls out the Dudley Boyz for a semi-mixed tag team match for the Tag-Team Titles with Stephanie as his partner. The match lasts about twelve minutes and doesn't once involve Stephanie. Lawler also reiterates that fact to everyone at the end. During the course of the match, Triple H kicked out of two Dudley Death-Drops, the first one at a one count, but eventually wins the match and the Tag-Team Titles. The last three minutes are used to get show brief fan interviews outside the arena what they think about Triple H. Only the ones that praise him are aired.

Slot #7 - Triple H calls out The Undertaker and talks for five minutes about how this is payback for actually beating Triple H straight up at Wrestlemania. Undertaker comes out and, after ten minutes of back and forth wrestling, Triple H captures the Hardcore Title. Before leaving to commercial, Chris Jericho comes down to the ring, and Triple H challenges him.

Slot #8 - The match immediately begins and after fifteen minutes of intense fighting, Triple H pins Chris Jericho with five pedigrees and becomes the second undisputed champion. Stephanie then pulls out a potato sack and Triple H loads all his belts into it, slings it over his shoulder, and leaves the arena as his music plays.

This, or something like this, is about the only reasonable option the WWF has left now that they've billed Triple H out to be as big and ferocious as he is now. Even my mom said she's sick and tired of hearing about Triple H's return, and she doesn't even watch wrestling. She also says he's ugly, for the record. To have him not do half of what I've mockingly predicted would be to undercut all the hyping they've put into his return and to probably lose all the potential fans they'll receive due to the massive advertising they've done for this upcoming RAW. The bottom line is that the WWF has been bad about over hyping things before, and if you think that the same bookers that fumbled and fell on their ass with the invasion angle aren't going to fuck up this, then you deserve everything that's coming to you on January 7th.

Man, it was nice to get that off my chest.