November 28, 2005: Encyclopedia Brown

By: The Next Mideon

You'd think there would be no libraries on The Serengeti. You'd be wrong.

There is but one, and Monty Brown rules it with an iron fist.

Monty Brown: "I AM A VERY WELL-READ BLACKIE FROM AFRICA!"

Lion: "*ROAR*!"

Monty Brown: "Silence!"

Howler Monkey: "*HOWL*!"

Monty Brown: "SILENCE!"

Rhinocerus: "*SWEAR*!"

Monty Brown: "SILENCE!!!"

Lieutenant-Commander Georgi LaForge: "Butterfly in the sky! I can go twice as high! Take a look! It's in a b..."

Monty Brown: "I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"

Captain Jean-Luc Picard: "GAH! RUN LIKE A LEMUR!!!"

Eric Young: "OH SHIT OKAY"

Shane Douglas: "OOHOOHOO, MONTY BROWN!"

Monty Brown: "PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO READ!!! LOWER YOUR VOOOOIIIIIIC-UH!!! PERIOD!!!!!"

Shane Douglas: "*whispering* Oohoohoo, Monty Brown, I am just DYIN' to know... Where do you keep the nudie magazines?"

Monty Brown: "You mean National Geographic? Back left corner, next to the Babysitter's Club section. IN PERIODICALS, PERIOD!!!"

Shane Douglas: "Oohoohoo! I thank you."

Suddenly, a strange noise breaks the silence! SILENCE!!!

Strange Noise: "*HOWL*!"

Monty Brown: "DON'T MAKE ME COME UP THERE, HOWLER MONKEY!"

Howler Monkey: "Wasn't me!"

Kevin Nash: "YOU KNOWWWWW..."

Monty Brown: "Oh, okay."

Kevin Nash: "So, Librarian Brown, I hear you have 'The Book.' I would be very interested in gaining possession of this 'The Book.'"

Monty Brown: "What, 'The Jungle Book'? YOU WILL NEVER GET MY GAY STRIPED COAT!"

Kevin Nash: "I have no interest in AAAAAHHHHH OWWWWWW OH MY GOD CALL 911!!!"

Monty Brown: "WTF? Kevin Nash has been murdered!!!"

Shane Douglas: "*SO SHOCKED THAT YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE HOW SHOCKED HE IS*!!!"

Monty Brown: "It is a mystery for me to solve! Encyclopedia Brown is on the case, period! And I blame COLORED PEOPLE!"

Monty collars the usual suspects!

Monty Brown: "Professor Plum, I find you to be stocky! DECEPTIVELY stocky!!!"

Mike Tenay: "I could not be the culprit because I was busy masturbating onto a lucha mask at the time!"

Don West: "Yes, I can confirm this."

Monty Brown: "Colonel Mustardfa, YOU stole the cookie from the cookie jar on The Serengeti!"

Sabu: "WHO, ME?"

Monty Brown: "YES, YOU!"

Sabu: "COULDN'T BE!"

Monty Brown: "THEN WHO?"

Sabu: "*points up*"

Monty Brown: "Stop trying to blame everything on Jesus, Sabu."

Matt Hardy: "Step aside, Brown! The Hardy Boyz will solve this case! Jeff has more sleuthing ability in his little pink pinky than you have in your entire black body!"

Jeff Hardy: "I AM A FANCIFUL UNICORN! FLUTTER FLUTTER"

Monty Brown: "Mr. Pink! Did you kill LAPD Officer Marvin Nash???"

Jeff Hardy: "Mr. Brown? That sounds too much like Mr. Shit lol"

Matt Hardy: "Hardy fuckin' har."

Monty Brown: "*THE POUNCE, PERIOD*!"

Monty Brown: "Idiots."

Just then, Encyclopedia Brown spots a clue!

Monty Brown: "A pair of sunglasses!!! I'm gonna write this down in my HANDY-DANDY NOTEBOOK, PERIOD! HERE'S THE ALPHA MALE, HE NEVER FAILS!!!"

Monty Brown: "*sniffs out the trail*"

Blast off for adventure!

Monty Brown: "Jeff Jarrett, did you shoot Kevin Nash with one of your crazy ray guns???"

Jeff Jarrett: "Now why would I do that, Monty Brown? I didn't kill that man on the way back to his home planet! Look, them sunglasses ain't even flashin'!"

Stymied by Jeff Jarrett's rock-solid alibi, our hero jets off to Kentucky or Quebec or wherever the fuck.

Monty Brown: "Rob Conway, do you or do you not wear sunglasses?"

Rob Conway: "I plead the fifth. FIVE AMENDMENTS HOW COOL"

Monty Brown: "And have you or have you not visited The Serengeti, or at the very least, The Con-Go? TELL ME WHAT KIND OF A TRIP IT WAS!!!"

Rob Conway: "Well, I HAVE been around the world..."

Monty Brown: "YOU KILLED BIG SEXY IN THE CON-SERVATORY WITH THE CON-DLESTICK!!! CON-FESS!"

Rob Conway: "Monty Brown, just look at me. And know that I am innocent."

Monty Brown: "I believe your Test-imony."

Test: "Hey ladies I got a hung jury IN MY PANTS!!!"

Having contracted the African disease of bein' rude and arrogant and shut up, Monty Brown has but one last lead to follow.

Monty Brown: "CHRISTIAN CAGE!!! YOU ARE NOT TOO CAGEY FOR THE ALPHA MALE!!! These sunglasses are rather wacky, wouldn't you say?"

Christian Cage: "Pssh. I've seen wackier."

Monty Brown: "DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME! I READ SHAKESPEARE IN MY DOWN TIME FROM EATING ZEBRAS!!! I ONCE SHOT AN ELEPHANT IN MY PAJAMAS!!!"

Christian Cage: "Why was an elephant wearing your pajamas?"

Monty Brown: "I thought it'd be funny. Y'know, like in Kangaroo Jack?"

Christian Cage: "I see. Regardless, I have to go now. Go over here."

Monty Brown: "FREEZE, CHRISTIAN! ASSUME THE MISSIONARY POSITION! I EAT PEOPLE LIKE YOU FOR BREAKFAST IN A POT!"

Strange Noise: "AWOOOO!"

Monty Brown: "WHAT??? There are no Wolfpacs on The Veldt!"

Kevin Nash: "DUH-HUH! YOU CRACKED THE CAPER!"

Monty Brown: "IT WAS A SWERVE!!!"

Kevin Nash (or Bryan Adams?): "*kissyfingers*"

Christian Cage: "That's right, Monty Brown! Kevin Nash faked his own death to lure you in so that I might poach your exotic fur! It will fetch a pretty penny here in Canada, where black people are creatures of myth and legend! Now prepare to get nekkie in a hurry! BECAUSE..."

Monty Brown: "IT'S 4TH AND GOAL, AND THE ROUGHRIDERS ARE COMIN' ACROSS THE MIDDLE! I MUST SEPARATE MIND FROM BODY AS INDICATED IN MY TEXTS ON FAR EASTERN PHILOSOPHY!!!"

Monty Brown: "*THE POOOOOUUUUUUNCE*!!!"

Kevin Nash: "Eh, I'm leavin'."

Monty Brown wins the day! Back to the homestead for some well-deserved rest and relaxation! But all is not well!

Shane Douglas: "OOHOOHOO, thanks for the great deal on this gently-used Real Doll, Alex Shelley!"

@Lx Shelley: "Sure thing. Now Geordi, I understand there was something you wanted me to take a L@@K at?"

Monty Brown: "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, ALL OF YOU!!!"

Christopher Daniels: "*sneaking about*"

Monty Brown: "Hey, buddy! You owe a late fee on that invisible copy of the Necronomicon!"

Christopher Daniels: "AW, RASPBERRIES!"

D'Amoral Of D'Story:

Scott D'Amore: "I can go ANY-WHERE! Friends to know! And ways to grow! A Reading Rainbow! But you don't have to take my word for it!"

Book Review:

Petey Williams, Age 8: "Peter Pan: Where Are Wendy's Brothers?" is a story about why black people don't eat at Dave Thomas' restaurant. The main character is some faggot in tights who refuses to grow up because he cannot bear to face the harsh realities of the cruel world in which we live. In many respects, he is like Eric Young. I like Captain Hook because he is a captain. He gets eaten by a crocodile, which is an allegory for the bottom-feeding system of American government. In conclusion, pirates are totally awesome."

Winner: Pirates!

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