October 8, 2005: Reports Of My Penis Size Have Been Greatly Exaggerated
By: The Next Mideon
Donald West: "Time for another rip-roaring edition of Impact, old chum! Man, we are all over this shit. Gimme some! Gimme some!"
Mike Tenay: "Gametime, money. You and me. Block down on lockdown."
Donald West: "Got your Aquafina ready?"
Mike Tenay: "You motherfucking know it."
It was a Saturday night like any other until a phenomenally braggadocious young fellow made a boast he would not soon forget.
AJ Styles: "My penis is this big. 'A.J.' stands for 'Astonishing Johnson.' True story."
Shelton Benjamin: "Man shutcho mouf white boy, don't come in here all talkin' that Six Sides Of Sass. Yo' penis ain't shit, an' I hit yo' ass with a rock and rolled yo' hoodie to prove it. White boys in hoods 'A.J.' yeah right more like 'KKK' if you ask me. I have placed my hands all up on my hips to demonstrate how perturbed I am."
Primetime: "Haha, you damn tootlin'! His penis is not 'Above Average' Mike Sanders by any means! Talk about your Three Point-Oh inches, am I right, my brothaman from the mothaland???"
Shelton Benjamin: "Nigga plz, clam up yo' face before you make me act afool. The only haas you ever built was a doll haas because you are a homosexual. Also, I have changed outfits and crossed my arms to further express my level of irritation."
Donald West: "OH MY GOD!!!!! DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS????? IT'S SHELTON BENJAMIN SHETLAND PONYMAN FROM THE WWE COMPETING WRESTLING ORGANIZATION!!!!! WHAT'S HE DOING HERE IN THE IMPACT ZONE?!?!?!"
Mike Tenay: "*MELINA SCREAM*!!!!!"
AJ Styles: "Give me back my hoodie, you brute! I left my hacky-sack in there!"
Shelton Benjamin: "Cracka, I's about to kick you in the hacky-sack kickin' ballz like Pele comin' to get it awwwwwn."
Don West: "SON OF A JESUS WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT?!?! STAY TUNED!!!!"
Mike Tenay: "THE TAPE MACHINES ARE ROLLING BECAUSE SHELTON BENJAMIN HIT THEM WITH A ROCK!!!"
Meanwhile, a COMMOTION(!!!!!) has erupted in the backstage area!
Randy Orton: "Hey. Nothing you can say. Can keep me from coming to TNA."
Suddenly, Orton hears an "Oohoohoo!"
Shane Douglas: "Oohoohoo, Randy Orton, what are you doing on Impact?! And did you cum here in a limo, by chance??? Oohoohoo!"
Randy Orton: "I am in search of Larryland, for I wish to spit on the Human Board Of Chess. Might you give me directions, pray tell?"
Shane Douglas: "Oohoohoo, certainly! What you wanna do is you wanna get in a limo, see, and turn left at..."
When who should wander by but the Root Beer Barons themselves!
"Wildcat" Chris Harris: "Jesus Christ I am so fucking bored."
Jeremy Borash: "HAY EVERYBODY I AM STILL EMPLOYED FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON LOL I DUNNO"
Ash Ketchum: "Jesus Christ I am so fucking bored."
"Cowboy" James Storm: "*THE STINKEYE*"
Randy Orton: "Hey, looky-loo, what are you lookin' at?! You ain't gotta look at me like that!"
"Cowboy" James Storm: "*LAZY*"
Randy Orton: "OH WHATTHEFUCKEVER, DUDE, MY PAPPY IS THE ONLY COWBOY AROUND HERE! He invented the whole concept of Cowboyism! Back in the 1800s, they just chased tumbleweeds around all day and were called 'Astronauts!' You and me are gonna take our beef to the squared... uh, hexagon! RIGHT NOW!"
"Cowboy" James Storm: "*MELODRAMATIC DOUCHE POSE, I RECKON*"
Shane Douglas: "Oohoohoo, wait up, Randy Orton! You can't use the ring right now! Shelton Benjamin is in the process of telling A.J. Styles his penis is this small, oohoohoohoohoo!!!"
Randy Orton: "What? The uppity Shelton Benjamin, my bosom companion, is in the middle of a confrontation? I shall hasten to his side!"
Back to the ring!
Donald West: "OHHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYY GODDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S AN IMPROMPTU TAG MATCH HERE ON IMPACT, AS AMOS 'N RANDY HAVE TEAMED UP TO FACE THE PHENOMENAL COWBOYS!!!!!! THE ULTIMATE BATTLE FOR PENILE SUPREMACY!!!! I SPIT WHEN I TALK!!!!"
Mike Tenay: "*listening more closely than he has ever listened to anything in his entire life*"
Shelton Benjamin: "'Sup my nigga let's do this like we do in tha durrty souf"
Randy Orton: "It was hard growing up in East St. Louis because of all the negroes."
Crowd: "ORRRRANGEBERRRG, ORRRRRANGEBERRRG!"
AJ Styles: "Now is the time for dirty pool."
"Cowboy" James Storm: "*MUTTLEY SNICKER*"
Donald West: "WTF AJ STYLES' HOODIE IS FULL OF TINY FOREIGN OBJECTS!!! ARE THOSE... THUMBTACKS?!?!?"
Mike Tenay: "I hate women."
Randy Orton: "AW SHIT MY BACK IS COVERED IN TACKS!"
Shelton Benjamin: "White people ain't no good."
Shelton takes matters into his own hands! And by "matters," I mean "his penis!"
Shelton Benjamin: "THE POOOOUUNCE!!! I'M RICK JAMES, BITCH! STOP LOOKIN' AT MY GHETTO BOOTY, MIKE CHIODA!"
Randy Orton: "THERE ARE NO SMALL PENISES ON THE SHELTONGETI!"
Donald West: "SHELTON AND RANDY HAVE WON THE MATCH OH GOSH I JUST CRAPPED MY BRITCHES!!!!!"
Mike Tenay: "Hey, Sting, whassupwichu, man?"
Careful there! Randy Orton spazzes out and takes a tumble!
Shelton Benjamin: "Goddamn, son, why u trippin'? You 'bout broke yo' noggin on that barricade right there."
Randy Orton: "Haha, whoops! I'm such a klutz! Thanks for 'helping a brother out,' Shelton! You're always there for me!"
Elsewhere!
Brother Devon: "*sigh*. Tell me again why we came to this company, mah brutha from anutha mutha."
Brother Raye: "I don't know, Brother Devon. I just don't know."
Primetime: "Hey guys, wanna hang out???"
The Deadly Boys: "Please stop talking to us."
Winner: Shelton Benjamin's penis
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