January 5, 2006: The War On X-Mas
By: The Next Mideon
Some jokes stolen from: Super Asia
Act One - War Were Declared
What's that? You say X-Mas has already come and gone?
Frankie Kazarian: "I believe I can be of some assistance here! Set the dial to December 24, 2005, and hold on to your hats!"
@Lx Shelley: "OH GOD, WAIT! MINE IS NOT AFFIXED PROPERLY!"
Time Warp!!! Goin' all doot-doo!!!
Captain's Yule Log: Stardate 6.Sides.How.Cool
'Twas the night before X-Mas, and all through the Zone,
Not a caller was dialing on Joe's telephone.
The big X was hung from the rafters with care,
But not THAT much care, since it fell down from there.
AMW were passed-out all snug in their truck beds,
While visions of hard liquor danced in their heads,
And Gail in her hotpants, and me in my glasses,
That festively flash when I tap Asian asses.
Klaxons: "REEEURRR REEEURRR"
Jeff Jarrett: "Space Invaders! You have been summoned to my Ready Room for a mission of utmost importance."
Eric Young: "I'M READY"
Bobby Roode: "We know you are, Showtime. We know you are."
Jeff Jarrett: "I don't like the X-Mas Division! Buncha little Elfin midgets shakin' their jingle bells and prancin' around like the reindeer of the same name! It takes the focus off of where it oughta be, which is on me and all my steamy affairs with sexy sluts! What's more, those little jerks are always comin' up to me sayin' 'Merrrrry X-Mas!' WELL MAYBE I DON'T WANNA MARRY X-MAS! WHY BUY THE COW WHEN YOU CAN GET THE MILK FOR FREE, AM I RIGHT, BOYS???"
James Storm: "I am familiar with this analogy."
Jeff Jarrett: "It's time to draw a line in the sand on top of Serengeti Mountain which is all covered in cheese because D'Amore's always eating nachos! We're Space Invaders, and we don't celebrate X-Mas because our hearts were made two sizes too small in some sort of horrible shrink-ray accident!"
Scott D'Amore: "My pants are two sizes too small. =("
Petey Williams: "I myself am two sizes too small. =("
Jeff Jarrett: "None of them jumpy little nutjobs are gonna forcibly wish shit upon us no more! IF WISHES WERE SPACESHIPS, BEGGARS WOULD ZOOM ACROSS THE COSMOS! We have evolved beyond such things here in the 24th Century! Religion has no place in this dark, dystopian future full of Deadly, Deadly Killing Machines! To Hell with Jesus! Ain't I greater than Jesus?"
Bobby Roode: "YEAH! The least they could do is say something all-inclusive like 'Happy Holidays' or 'SEASON'S GREETINGS FROM BEYOND THE CRAB NEBULA'! It's only polite!"
Monty Brown: "I CELEBRATE KWANZAA, PERIOD!"
Gail Kim: "And I'm probably Buddhist or some shit like that!"
James Mitchell: "I am affiliated with Satan, as far as I know. Count me in."
Scott D'Amore: "Canada is very liberal! Merry Christmas? More like MARRY GAY MEN AHH AHH AHH AHHHH!!!
Team Canada: "HOMMMMMOOOS!"
America's Most Wanted: "SPRING INTO ABORTION!"
Jeff Jarrett: "It's settled, then! The Space Invaders declare... A WAR ON X-MAS!"
John Cena: "WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! WE GOIN' TO WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Jeff Jarrett: "You get the hell outta here, John Cena!"
John Cena: "*pout*"
Eric Young: "H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEYSTICKS LOL"
Jarrett's troops have taken up arms against the god-fearing midgets of the X-Division! Word of the impending Space Invasion spreads like "Wildfire" Chris Harris!
Cassidy Reilly: "YO YOU DEALIN' WITH THE O'REILLY FACTOR! OMG WAR ON X-MAS! UFOS EVERYWHERE! I DON'T LIKE THE WAY THEY ARE SPINNING BECAUSE THE IMPACT ZONE IS A NO-SPIN ZONE!!!"
But Earth's not going down without a fight! Christian soldiers, assemble!
Christian Cage: "Naturally."
Sting: "OWWW!!! GOD IS GREAT! WOOO!!!"
The Deadly Boys: "Say, Brutha Raye, whatever happened to that guy who used to carry around my collection box?"
AJ Styles: "Hay, open up your hearts to the Lord, ya faggets."
Christopher Daniels: "So, do I like Jesus, or...?"
Sabu: "*points at You Know Who*"
Matt Bentley: "My cousin turned me on... to the Good Book, that is! The Bentley Shane Michaels Hickenbottom family has denounced its sinfully homosexual ways! I even have a girlfriend now!"
Traci: "Hey Matt, wanna make out?"
Matt Bentley: "God, no!"
Chris Sabin: "Maybe I'll rename my finisher the 'Sabin Grace' hahaha oh god somebody please kill me."
Shark Boy: "GRRR JESUS FISH"
Christopher Daniels: "So what's the plan, Captain?"
Christian Cage: "He who controls the TNA Nativity Scene controls the universe. We must protect it at all costs."
AJ Styles: "Now if I might be allowed to say a few words about my abnormally large penis..."
Sting: "OWWWWWWW!!!"
Christian Cage: "What?"
Sting: "Stubbed my toe."
Christian Cage: "This isn't going to go well for me, is it?"
A third party has taken an interest in the coming war! Intriguing!
@Lx Shelley: "Hey Joe, check it out, we're like The Three Wisemen. But in TNA's case, I guess it'd be The Three X-Men. I call Nightcrawler. Not like call as in borrow your telephone, but, y'know, like dibs. Check this out, Joe, I'm gonna teleport. BAMF BAMF BAMF JOE YOU'RE NOT L@@KING!"
Samoa Joe: "*NOT LOOKING AT YOU*"
A star has appeared in the heavens to herald the arrival of a tasty new infant! The Sourdough Babyburger, only available at Hardee's.
@Lx Shelley: "Whaddaya l@@kin' at Joe, a star? Yeah, stars are pretty good. But check out the sweet tricks I can pull off on this girl's bicycle!"
Girl's Bicycle: "*ring-ring*"
@Lx Shelley: "Whee! L@@K, Joe, no hands! Hey Joe Hey Joe Hey Joe Hey Joe Hey Joe"
Samoa Joe: "I swear to God, I am going to eat that baby."
Roderick Strong: "You heard the man! To the nativity scene, on the double! This is the two-minute drill, people! TNM has given me a quarterback gimmick for some reason! HUT HUT HUT"
@Lx Shelley: "I will document this great gridiron action for NFL Films! *successful field goal pantomime*"
Roderick Strong: "There is only one photograph of me on the entire Internet, and it makes me look like Matthew Broderick."
Samoa Joe: "Strong, pack our shit. We dine upon babies on the morrow."
Matthew Broderick Strong: "Seriously, Alex, couldn't we set up some Glamour Shots or something?"
Samoa Joe: "HEY! Don't make me turn my eyes in your direction!"
Roderick Strong: "Alright, alright, sheesh. Just let me load the last of our straw onto this camel's back like so... OH GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE???"
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